Tuesday, December 3, 2013

struggling

dare i describe how it felt to be pressed between a bed and a girl, drunk and delirious while he fucked her on top of me? i felt such a rush of power, i felt desirable, all i had to do was lay there and let them do what they wanted, take some pictures, booze me up, give me some money and a ride home. my ventures into the adult industry have only fueled my desire to be thin, if i'm going to do this, i want my body at its best. the better i look, the more money i'll make. jobless and single for an unforeseeable chunk of my future, this is my only option. people can judge, but most won't know. and when i'm rolling in so much cash i don't know what to do with it, i can finally give back to all the people that i've been forced to mooch off of over the years. i can't handle life. i can't handle sobriety. the way i see it, the only way i'm going to be happy is if i have enough money for my drugs and distractions. i'm so lost in life, i don't know who i am or what i really want, i'm so unsure about everything and my emotions are a rollercoaster with or without my medication, i just have to pick which one i want to ride out. i'm still talking to drew and it kills me because i see him like a brother and he'll always see me as a lover. i'm still struggling to make friends and meet boys. that's all it ever is, struggling.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

14 comments:

  1. i'm sorry you're struggling. i hope life gets better for you. i don't think anyone is qualified to judge anyone else, but i hope that whatever you do, you stay safe and you're happy. take care of yourself, nikki xx

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  2. I used to follow your blog. We texted for a while. But I'm strange and quiet and you're beautiful and intelligent so it fizzled out. I still look up your blog, every few months, to see how you're doing, and this saddens me a bit. You have so much more to give, but I understand where you're coming from. Try stripping, honey. You burn about 1000 calories a shift, the drinks and drugs come free if you're clever, and you'll get called beautiful every day.

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  3. Thinspo For Thigh Gap.

    Thigh gaps cut down on yeast infections! Fat girls are smelly.

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  4. Just ran across your blog, and wanted to say I hope you're doing better. It sounds like you're struggling with life & I hope whatever you end up doing or who you end up with, that you end up happy. I read back a few posts and it seems you've definitely gone through hard times. & I'm here for you if you need a new blog friend, I'm also "dieting" & trying to be thin. We can help each other if you want!
    <3 Kay

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  5. Good evening, Ana, tell me,
    Did I pass the test?
    My mirror lies in pieces
    Even though i tried my best.
    I'm sorry, Ana, that I never get it right;
    So bind my wrists with measuring tape,
    And lock me up tonight.

    Don't leave me, Ana,
    I don't want to be alone;
    These shackles keep me tethered
    To the childhood I've outgrown.
    And in the morning,
    I know I'll still lose the game,
    For the rules are just as broken as
    The heart you try to claim.

    Please help me, Ana,
    Make me something that will shine;
    Help me find some beauty
    In this sullen face of mine.
    And in the storybook,
    The princess never cried,
    For she never felt rejection,
    And her hero never lied.

    Just love me, Ana,
    Will you take me by the hand?
    Now my family can't see me,
    And they'd never understand.
    And if you'll hide me,
    They can't ridicule my choice,
    And if i fade to nothing,
    The might one day here my voice.

    Don't hurt me, Ana,
    Though you told me not to cry;
    You said that only babies scream,
    And hunger passes by.
    But now there is no one left to
    Fix my shattered heart,
    But the girl inside the mirror-world,
    Where all the problems start.

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  6. You are greatly missed... I hope you come back and update soon.

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  7. I wish you'd update. What ever happened to you?

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  8. I've followed you for years. I hope that you can update on how you are. xoxo

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  9. For those of you who are wondering what happened she started a tumblr:

    http://sickknikki.tumblr.com/

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  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  11. The tumblr url isn't working??

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  12. I read your whole blog in like two days. Probably my favorite Ana blog ever. Your writing style reminds me of mine, a little! I hope you're doing great and I wouldn't mind talking sometime, whether you're still pro Ana or not

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  13. Is this a blog supporting disorders? I'm confused

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  14. http://sickknikki-blog.tumblr.com

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