Tuesday, December 3, 2013

struggling

dare i describe how it felt to be pressed between a bed and a girl, drunk and delirious while he fucked her on top of me? i felt such a rush of power, i felt desirable, all i had to do was lay there and let them do what they wanted, take some pictures, booze me up, give me some money and a ride home. my ventures into the adult industry have only fueled my desire to be thin, if i'm going to do this, i want my body at its best. the better i look, the more money i'll make. jobless and single for an unforeseeable chunk of my future, this is my only option. people can judge, but most won't know. and when i'm rolling in so much cash i don't know what to do with it, i can finally give back to all the people that i've been forced to mooch off of over the years. i can't handle life. i can't handle sobriety. the way i see it, the only way i'm going to be happy is if i have enough money for my drugs and distractions. i'm so lost in life, i don't know who i am or what i really want, i'm so unsure about everything and my emotions are a rollercoaster with or without my medication, i just have to pick which one i want to ride out. i'm still talking to drew and it kills me because i see him like a brother and he'll always see me as a lover. i'm still struggling to make friends and meet boys. that's all it ever is, struggling.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox