Thursday, September 5, 2013

the floodgates open up..

these past two days have been long. no weed, no food, complete sobriety (other than nicotine of course). too much sobriety. too much thinking. by late this evening my thoughts were swirling around in my head like floodgates were opening left and right, thought whisper whisper thought "Nikki" thought whisper thought thought whisper whisper "Nikki!" whisper whisper thought...



i didn't know how to quiet it. my mind was racing with thoughts that whisked by as quickly as they came, most would fleet away from me but many of them i felt compulsed to record, as if it were so important, as if i were figuring out the whole universe. they would begin narrowly and focused towards myself: my life, my past, my future, my present. what went right and wrong. what should i regret? what should i let go? what opportunities did i miss? what happened to all the people i lost along the way? why do the things happen to me that do? what do people think about me, and how can i get them to think of me the way i want them to think of me? and how exactly is that, what is that perfect image of myself? on and on and on.. thoughts about the people around me, ignorant bitches and childish boys pretending to be men and stuttering theatre professors too nervous to live their dreams of working in film. these observations were obvious to me, based on sole intuition. off my meds (the paxil anyway, the zoloft must not be quite doing it for me) i view myself as a separate being of sorts, alien to the rest of the human population. i see their flaws so clearly, as well as the aspects i envy. i look at the others around me from the outside looking in, skilled in going unnoticed. and yet, i know i am flawed in myself. BAM, cognitive dissonance - tension. increasing anxiety. what is wrong with the world? i break apart the entire system, the societies, the governments, the media, the affluent, and so on all the way down to the shitheads picking coins out of the dirt to get their next buzz on whatever fucked up street drug got them stuck on the bottom. philosophy, what is right? what is wrong? who is right about what? brain buzzing brain buzzing and all the while anytime a thought of food or hunger pops into my brain my mind lashes back with a firm "NO." i was bad. i was being cleansed. i was not allowed to eat. i drank a mountain dew when i felt dizzy and had a headache, but that's all. any chance i was alone and had a little energy, down i went to do at least 30 squats, 35 crunches, 25 pushups, 40 crunches, 35 more squats and finish off with 100 jumping jacks. down went 3 pounds, away went my family dinner binge over the weekend. away went my mind with them.

the bestie fronted me some pot so i feel less anxious, but, as you can probably tell from my writing, it's all still whirling. i was hoping this would slow it down a little. well, it seems to have helped a little. anyways, i have a lunch date with a cute boy tomorrow so i suppose i'll end this cleansing fast then. i can't not eat and look like a freak, but i have to make sure not to let my hunger trick me into grabbing too much food and also looking like a freak. luckily we're eating on campus so i can plan a little. i pray we eat in the caf where i can just hit the salad bar. as long as it's colorful and i get some lite dressing, i bet i can slide away with 150 cals, and that's if i eat the whole thing! pair it with a diet dr pepper of course, and a boy with jolly-rancher blue eyes, and i think it will be worth any damage it could possibly do.

stay strong, think thin, live ana


  1. I'm not a hater or a troll, just someone who truly wishes you will get help. You're destroying yourself, please get help, professional counseling can help you feel may not know it, but you are killing yourself- this is not a lifestyle, it is a disease, a serious disease...

    1. i'm aware that it's a disease, it's one that i've had for many years and my bouts with relapse and recovery are up to me, not you. i have to want help to be helped, and i don't want to be healthy, i want to be sick.


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