Wednesday, September 18, 2013
that's all i'm doing. floating through the moments of every day, half there but half unaware. i don't know whether it's my medicine or my sickness, but i get in strange moods where i don't want to be around other people and i don't want to do anything and i don't think about anything and i don't feel like talking or creating or producing any thought. i call these times "feeling quiet." and i've been feeling quiet a lot lately.
i guess after so long feeling quiet last week i had to take something in and push it out, something had to fill the void. so when i went home for a trip to six flags with lauren and my grandparents, i ate. i caved. i ate and puked. then ate a little more, thought "fuck it" and filled up just to purge it back out. i continued on like this until yesterday when i woke up feeling like my insides were rotting and falling apart.
i don't even purge to lose weight, like most people think bulimics do. i do it for the high. i do it for the catharsis. i do it for the privilege of feeling full that must be replaced with the security of feeling empty. i do it to hurt myself. some people cut, some people puke.
i'm a motherfucking mess. there's a sort of dignity to anorexia, but bulimia is an addiction and a disease, just like alcoholism or self-injury, and i have to stop. i don't want to end up dead on a bathroom floor in a pile of my own sick. and i'm tired of crying into toilet bowls. every time i get clean for a few months, i fall back into this pit. and it's tough as shit to crawl out.
i'm going to try planning out my meals every morning, so that way i know that i have something to look forward to and to fuel me, but i won't decide on a spur of the moment to eat too much and have to purge or too little and want to binge five minutes later. i was in the habit of just keeping no food around the house, i let my supplies dwindle until i just had no options other than work food or spending money on binge food (which was supposed to be a deterrant), but it backfired. having no options just made me feel boxed in, and i took control by rebelling against my own punishment, spending money on cheap mcdonalds binges or concocting feasts out of random shit lying around the kitchen, waiting to go home on weekends to get the real goods. but fuck all that. i'm all stocked up on fruits and veggies and oatmeal packets and coffee. i'd rather spend my money on good cigarettes than food. i have got to exercise way more self-control, and so far since i set my mind to this, i have.
i just have to stick to it this time.
stay strong, think thin, live ana
at 12:00 PM