Wednesday, September 18, 2013
that's all i'm doing. floating through the moments of every day, half there but half unaware. i don't know whether it's my medicine or my sickness, but i get in strange moods where i don't want to be around other people and i don't want to do anything and i don't think about anything and i don't feel like talking or creating or producing any thought. i call these times "feeling quiet." and i've been feeling quiet a lot lately.
i guess after so long feeling quiet last week i had to take something in and push it out, something had to fill the void. so when i went home for a trip to six flags with lauren and my grandparents, i ate. i caved. i ate and puked. then ate a little more, thought "fuck it" and filled up just to purge it back out. i continued on like this until yesterday when i woke up feeling like my insides were rotting and falling apart.
i don't even purge to lose weight, like most people think bulimics do. i do it for the high. i do it for the catharsis. i do it for the privilege of feeling full that must be replaced with the security of feeling empty. i do it to hurt myself. some people cut, some people puke.
i'm a motherfucking mess. there's a sort of dignity to anorexia, but bulimia is an addiction and a disease, just like alcoholism or self-injury, and i have to stop. i don't want to end up dead on a bathroom floor in a pile of my own sick. and i'm tired of crying into toilet bowls. every time i get clean for a few months, i fall back into this pit. and it's tough as shit to crawl out.
i'm going to try planning out my meals every morning, so that way i know that i have something to look forward to and to fuel me, but i won't decide on a spur of the moment to eat too much and have to purge or too little and want to binge five minutes later. i was in the habit of just keeping no food around the house, i let my supplies dwindle until i just had no options other than work food or spending money on binge food (which was supposed to be a deterrant), but it backfired. having no options just made me feel boxed in, and i took control by rebelling against my own punishment, spending money on cheap mcdonalds binges or concocting feasts out of random shit lying around the kitchen, waiting to go home on weekends to get the real goods. but fuck all that. i'm all stocked up on fruits and veggies and oatmeal packets and coffee. i'd rather spend my money on good cigarettes than food. i have got to exercise way more self-control, and so far since i set my mind to this, i have.
i just have to stick to it this time.
stay strong, think thin, live ana
at 12:00 PM
Thursday, September 5, 2013
these past two days have been long. no weed, no food, complete sobriety (other than nicotine of course). too much sobriety. too much thinking. by late this evening my thoughts were swirling around in my head like floodgates were opening left and right, thought whisper whisper thought "Nikki" thought whisper thought thought whisper whisper "Nikki!" whisper whisper thought...
"ARE YOU LISTENING?"
i didn't know how to quiet it. my mind was racing with thoughts that whisked by as quickly as they came, most would fleet away from me but many of them i felt compulsed to record, as if it were so important, as if i were figuring out the whole universe. they would begin narrowly and focused towards myself: my life, my past, my future, my present. what went right and wrong. what should i regret? what should i let go? what opportunities did i miss? what happened to all the people i lost along the way? why do the things happen to me that do? what do people think about me, and how can i get them to think of me the way i want them to think of me? and how exactly is that, what is that perfect image of myself? on and on and on.. thoughts about the people around me, ignorant bitches and childish boys pretending to be men and stuttering theatre professors too nervous to live their dreams of working in film. these observations were obvious to me, based on sole intuition. off my meds (the paxil anyway, the zoloft must not be quite doing it for me) i view myself as a separate being of sorts, alien to the rest of the human population. i see their flaws so clearly, as well as the aspects i envy. i look at the others around me from the outside looking in, skilled in going unnoticed. and yet, i know i am flawed in myself. BAM, cognitive dissonance - tension. increasing anxiety. what is wrong with the world? i break apart the entire system, the societies, the governments, the media, the affluent, and so on all the way down to the shitheads picking coins out of the dirt to get their next buzz on whatever fucked up street drug got them stuck on the bottom. philosophy, what is right? what is wrong? who is right about what? brain buzzing brain buzzing and all the while anytime a thought of food or hunger pops into my brain my mind lashes back with a firm "NO." i was bad. i was being cleansed. i was not allowed to eat. i drank a mountain dew when i felt dizzy and had a headache, but that's all. any chance i was alone and had a little energy, down i went to do at least 30 squats, 35 crunches, 25 pushups, 40 crunches, 35 more squats and finish off with 100 jumping jacks. down went 3 pounds, away went my family dinner binge over the weekend. away went my mind with them.
the bestie fronted me some pot so i feel less anxious, but, as you can probably tell from my writing, it's all still whirling. i was hoping this would slow it down a little. well, it seems to have helped a little. anyways, i have a lunch date with a cute boy tomorrow so i suppose i'll end this cleansing fast then. i can't not eat and look like a freak, but i have to make sure not to let my hunger trick me into grabbing too much food and also looking like a freak. luckily we're eating on campus so i can plan a little. i pray we eat in the caf where i can just hit the salad bar. as long as it's colorful and i get some lite dressing, i bet i can slide away with 150 cals, and that's if i eat the whole thing! pair it with a diet dr pepper of course, and a boy with jolly-rancher blue eyes, and i think it will be worth any damage it could possibly do.
stay strong, think thin, live ana
at 11:26 PM