Wednesday, May 29, 2013


i knew that the weight i was gaining was not entirely fat, and i knew it wasn't muscle either. i knew that it was completely unlike me to be unable to control my temptations for ice cream and spicy foods. i knew i wasn't just tired all the time because i was switching medications. i knew deep down, but i took a test anyway, right after wasting $40 on a morning-after pill. and that's when i found out, for sure, that i'm pregnant.

immediately: told the best friend
the next day: drank and smoked the shock into numbness
day three: made appointment for an abortion (this Saturday)
day four: told my mother (who took it well, actually) and got morning sickness for the first time.

and here i am, five days later. i can't believe it's been five days. five more days of this parasite slowly growing inside me. i need to stop it. i want it out.

drew and i broke up for good. i told him we both need to move on, that he'd flipped out and gone crazy on me for the last time. i refuse to give birth to his half-souled child. it's not a baby, it's a monster. and i just want it out.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

something's gotta give

every morning i wake up with the full intention of eating less than a handful of food the whole day, getting back on track and getting back down to where i used to be, and further. while my sinus infection has helped me get over the ravenous appetite that prozac caused, i've still been struggling with the motivation factor. but one thing is for sure, i'm getting absolutely sick of eating.

for now, i'm going to try to get back on track the way i did last time: starting with a mostly liquid diet and cutting down from there. eventually i'll shy away from smoothies in favor of crystal light, always drink my coffee black. for now, i'll just focus on staying the FUCK away from food.

it's the enemy. it makes me fat and lazy and tired. sure, i need fuel to get through work, but that's what egg whites and carrots are for. no more candy, no more fruit snacks, absolutely no more goddamn pizza and mac n cheese. 

i bought my first real bikini today for motivation. i know i won't be able to wear it out in public until i'm 103 again. what's the point in showing off a pudgy body when i could wait and premiere myself with the shadows of bones to hide behind?

i'm going to a massive music festival called Electric Forest at the end of june. i must be a skinny rave girl for the occasion. and i will do anything, whatever it takes. i have to get my willpower back, my careful control. i'm trying to write down everything i eat, and tomorrow now that my scale is unpacked at my new place i'll be able to weigh myself every day. i gotta look good on those hippie skirt days and booty shorts nights.

speaking of my new place and hippie skirts, i should update you all that i'm living away for the whole summer for the first time. i'm officially moved to my best friends ex boyfriend's mom's trailer home. i know that sounds like a really odd situation, but this woman, who i'll call A, is the coolest. she's a 42 year old pot smoking muslim with the kindest heart i've ever known. she's taken me in like one of her own, and accepted my terms of meager rent supplemented with household chores. the only problem is she cooks all the time and shares her food with me.. i'll have to start turning her down from time to time, or take the food in my room to trash after a couple bites (if any).

nikki's back, and she's in it to win it.

stay strong, think thin, live ana