Friday, March 8, 2013

happy pills

my mother and i pulled into the hospital parking lot . we sat in the car to smoke one more cig before heading up to Dr. C's office for my first psychiatrist appointment . i didn't really know what to expect . i was nervous , and even more nervous because i foresaw the conversation she started after lighting her Marlboro Menthol Light 100.

"you have to be honest with him," she said . she was worried about drug interactions , and even more worried about my heart . she knew what i was doing , i didn't have to lie .

and of course , all i said was , "i'm fine."

while i was filling out paperwork i swear she glanced over when i wrote 105 in careful print in the box labeled "WEIGHT."

*    *    *

i awkwardly greeted the middle-aged indian man who was about to diagnose my sickness based on a short conversation and give me magic beans to plant happy thoughts in my brain . i told him i had anxiety , worried all the time , had no appetite and couldn't sleep . he gave me two brain vitamins , prozac and seroquil , a trailmix of brain boosters and serotonin shooters .

i'm starting to feel better . i'm sleeping . ana isn't so angry all the time . i'm not so angry all the time . i starve out of determination , not guilt .

i got a new job at Crazy Bowls & Wraps , free super-healthy food every time i work , relaxed atmosphere , and friendly customers . i'm going to try to work at subway still too , so i'll be making bank and burning calories out the ass .

it's like as i get closer and closer to my UGW , the rest of my life is falling into place too . i even hooked up with my best friend who i've been crushing on for a while , but that's another story for another day .
(i've always believed this , and it's finally happening)

well , i have to start getting ready for this rave tonight . me and the bestie are gonna be a couple of sexy pretty rave girls . and speaking of pretty rave girls , here's a link to my latest thinspo video : RAVESPO .

stay strong , think thin , live ana


  1. Yay for feeling better! I hope your mood continues to improve.

    Soooo jealous of your job, it sounds so nice and chilled out!

    You've made me want to go to a dance party 0.0


  2. you are incredibly beautiful girl, i just saw those pictures you posted and my jaw actually dropped. Congratulations, I'll see you at the finish line.
    love always,

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  4. I love your ravespo video! It's perfect and such a great idea.

    I'm still so glad you've back come Nikki ♥

  5. Hi Nikki,

    I am not trying to be a hater, but out my love for people in general, you are hurting yourself. Our culture is driven by self-obsession. I don't know what will happen when you reach your goal, but you will just be thin and sickly. That's all. Happiness does NOT come by what you weigh. What do you think you will get by getting skinny? God created you in His image and loves you unconditionally! That is in spite of our flaws- He loves us. I struggled with bulimia for many years, and I was finally able to be free from the bondage I was in when I came to know my worth in Christ. I hope you also can be free of this bondage you are in and know that that you are valuable, precious, and lovely to Jesus.

  6. I just kind of came across your blog after searching for something and I couldn't help but read every single entry. I love the way you write. Being someone who has embraced rather than struggled with my eating disorder, I find your way of voicing your feelings and thoughts really comforting. I just wanted to say that. Your blog is definitely one that I'm going to follow, Nikki. Stay strong. ♥

  7. See my Blog Nikki, Yours has inspired me! Pro ana :)


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