Friday, January 18, 2013

the bermuda love triangle


it's been way to long , and again , i apologize profusely . the past couple months have been such a blur , and somehow i ended up here , not sure who i am , what i want , or where i'm going . i feel like i'm stuck in limbo , some inbetween place where nothing really happens . nothing changes . you wake up to a new day and everything's the same . nothing progresses . you haven't lost any weight . you still have the same gigantic to-do list looming over your head . your heart's still too numb to make a choice . you're still breathing , and it still hurts .

drew and i broke up shortly after new years . i couldn't handle his lack of motivation for life , and he didn't deserve a girl who didn't stay faithful to him . what had started as innocent flirting , a simple source of some company and attention soon crossed lines that should have been protected by barbed wire fences . before i knew it i had gotten myself into the love triangle from hell , and i needed to be single to sort it all out .

first i met skater boy . our paths crossed between classes and small talk led to an exchange of phone numbers , which led to an exchange of feelings that soon became a one-way street . he's a sweetheart but has too many issues . even if he weren't so clingy , i know now that i'm too much of a mess to be with a broken boy .

days after skater boy and i started talking , i met bus stop boy (at the bus stop , if you couldn't guess) . he's the total opposite of anyone i've ever dated . he lives a couple buildings down from my place , he's romantic , chivalrous , the "good boy ." this is the kind of boy most girls dream about , and at first , i was really falling for him . i thought that if anyone could get me over drew , he was it . but after a while , those initial sparks began to fade .

despite all the problems between drew and i , i've come to miss some aspects of the relationship i had with him . the distance allowed me to do my own thing while i was at school , i had plenty of time for my friends , my work , and enough time for myself . and when things got too stressful over here , going to see him was my getaway . i liked having MY life and OUR life on separate timelines . this also allowed for me to have more control over my food . i only had to worry about being forced to eat once or twice a week when i made the trip to his house . now , i never know when bus stop boy or skater boy will want to go out to eat . and that makes me very uncomfortable .

i say everything happens for a reason , and maybe this all happened to show me what i really want in a relationship . now that i have that figured out , i just need to figure out if i want that with drew . and either way , i need to figure out how to let skater boy and bus stop boy down easy . but the only person i don't mind hurting is myself , so i have no idea how to go about hurting these boys who have done absolutely nothing wrong to me .

besides , i've known these boys long enough to know that they deserve better than me . a girl who's got her shit together , not one who's falling apart . at least drew accepts my disorder and doesn't try to force me into recovery , and even understands where i'm coming from a bit (he's developed a fear of gaining weight and only eats once a day now) .

this was a rather rambly post , but i just needed to get it all out . i'm in such a mess , and i know it's all my own doing . so it's my job to clean it up , too .

wish me luck everyone , i'll post again soon .

stay strong , think thin , live ana
xoxoNikkioxox
@sickk_nikki

8 comments:

  1. I'm so glad to see you are back, please message me if you need to blow off some more steam girl! I think a lot of people can relate to where you are right now, the love triangle is a scenario which every lady needs to know how to diffuse gracefully, its arsenal in the repertoire of growing up practically!
    I would try letting them cool off in the friend zone for a while, and be as honest as you can. Just tell them that you aren't ready for anything romantic right now. Keeping a friendship will help you feel less lonely, and less guilty rather than kicking them straight outta your life. Except for maybe skater dude who sounds a little bit....unstable? But Ha, aren't we all? None the less, boys who chase girls a little too fast are my number one turn off.
    I'm proud of you for doing this all on your own by the way, Nikki. It really takes courage and strength to stand up for yourself and to not be co-dependant and sort shit out on your own terms. I kinda think that maybe on some level you ended things with Drew because you know that he isn't good for you. It's great that he's understanding about the ED and doesn't put pressure on you, which in one way is kind of enabling, but if he has eating issues on his own, they will eventually just trigger you and that can lead to resentment. Just something to think about!
    LASTLY! Girl if you EVER start feeling that some dipshit BOY (not even a MAN) deserves better than you, you come to me you hear?! That is nothing but total bull crap and you flipping know it! You are such an incredible and inspiring person who deserves at the very least a man that is willing to stand by you as you shine and love you no matter what. Wait until you find someone that gives you fireworks and then never let go. Because the sparkler-effect-feeling is nice, but as you said, it fades. Everyone deserves a man who gives her fireworks every time he kisses you, and you have been through so much, I'd hate to see you settle for less than what you're worth.
    Gain some clarity and we are all here to offer you support in any way and any time.
    love always,
    xoxo

    P.S
    I got a new bong with a percolator, and an ice catch! Its pink and so adorable! My sister gave it to me as a Christmas gift and as soon as I saw it I thought you'd love it! :)

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  2. I would try and stay friends with them. I wouldn't want to date anyone else before sorting my own head out and getting where I needed to be first. Good luck but I think you'll do fine with it all :) xx

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