Friday, January 18, 2013
it's been way to long , and again , i apologize profusely . the past couple months have been such a blur , and somehow i ended up here , not sure who i am , what i want , or where i'm going . i feel like i'm stuck in limbo , some inbetween place where nothing really happens . nothing changes . you wake up to a new day and everything's the same . nothing progresses . you haven't lost any weight . you still have the same gigantic to-do list looming over your head . your heart's still too numb to make a choice . you're still breathing , and it still hurts .
drew and i broke up shortly after new years . i couldn't handle his lack of motivation for life , and he didn't deserve a girl who didn't stay faithful to him . what had started as innocent flirting , a simple source of some company and attention soon crossed lines that should have been protected by barbed wire fences . before i knew it i had gotten myself into the love triangle from hell , and i needed to be single to sort it all out .
first i met skater boy . our paths crossed between classes and small talk led to an exchange of phone numbers , which led to an exchange of feelings that soon became a one-way street . he's a sweetheart but has too many issues . even if he weren't so clingy , i know now that i'm too much of a mess to be with a broken boy .
days after skater boy and i started talking , i met bus stop boy (at the bus stop , if you couldn't guess) . he's the total opposite of anyone i've ever dated . he lives a couple buildings down from my place , he's romantic , chivalrous , the "good boy ." this is the kind of boy most girls dream about , and at first , i was really falling for him . i thought that if anyone could get me over drew , he was it . but after a while , those initial sparks began to fade .
despite all the problems between drew and i , i've come to miss some aspects of the relationship i had with him . the distance allowed me to do my own thing while i was at school , i had plenty of time for my friends , my work , and enough time for myself . and when things got too stressful over here , going to see him was my getaway . i liked having MY life and OUR life on separate timelines . this also allowed for me to have more control over my food . i only had to worry about being forced to eat once or twice a week when i made the trip to his house . now , i never know when bus stop boy or skater boy will want to go out to eat . and that makes me very uncomfortable .
i say everything happens for a reason , and maybe this all happened to show me what i really want in a relationship . now that i have that figured out , i just need to figure out if i want that with drew . and either way , i need to figure out how to let skater boy and bus stop boy down easy . but the only person i don't mind hurting is myself , so i have no idea how to go about hurting these boys who have done absolutely nothing wrong to me .
besides , i've known these boys long enough to know that they deserve better than me . a girl who's got her shit together , not one who's falling apart . at least drew accepts my disorder and doesn't try to force me into recovery , and even understands where i'm coming from a bit (he's developed a fear of gaining weight and only eats once a day now) .
this was a rather rambly post , but i just needed to get it all out . i'm in such a mess , and i know it's all my own doing . so it's my job to clean it up , too .
wish me luck everyone , i'll post again soon .
stay strong , think thin , live ana
at 2:53 PM