(this is me at around 140lbs)
(this is me at 123lbs , look at the difference !!!!)
i've made a lot of progress since my last post , and not just with my weight loss . i got a new job near my school and apartment , so i can finally get settled here . i feel a little torn between two places since drew is still a good 45 minute drive away , but i'm slowly finding a balance . my roommate moved out so i have the room to myself now (which is great because i can finally exercise and occasionally eat in solitude) , and i've been cleaning and organizing and decorating and making the place all my own .
i've noticed lately that i'm thinking more like an adult , or maybe it's just my eating disorder diffusing into the rest of my brain and making me obsessively organized , because i really keep track of my shit now , and i clean like a maniac (which burns calories !!) . i keep a separate planner from the one i use for school to keep track of my weight , intake , exercise and B/Ps . i even record how many diet pills i take in a day and at what time !! i have noticed that over time , less and less space in the squares is filled up by the blue writing that indicates food intake . many of them are blank , other than the diet pills .
i don't plan what i eat , or when/how much i exercise . when i do that , i always deviate from my plan or my school/work/social life conflicts with it or i just plain fuck it up and then i feel like shit about myself . but when i just wing it , i feel pretty good . i have to strategize somewhat to beat plateaus (like the one i'm trying to beat right now) , but i don't even have to try to restrict my eating . i've gotten to the point where food just doesn't appeal to me . if i have to eat , i dread it . i honestly do like the taste of most things (i've lost my appetite for a lot of things) , but i absolutely hate the feeling of food in my stomach . anything more than a handful of food gets rejected if i can find a way (and i do , almost always . i've only "kept" twice in the last 3 weeks or so). if i feel weak , i eat something small , or just drink water or black coffee . i have more important things to do than eat , and more important goals to accomplish than maintaining my health .
now that i'm not driving back and forth from my hometown as much , i have a lot more spare time . i didn't even realize how busy i was until i finally got some real free-time , and it felt STRANGE to me . the first free night i had , i thought i was going to lose my mind because there was absolutely nothing to do !! my apartment doesn't have a TV yet , i was done with my homework , and i ended up going to bed early just to end the boredom . i would've blogged , but i couldn't think of anything to say . but , i'm finally back :) maybe with all this free time i'll start making thinspo videos again or something . i have been tweeting a lot more often , if any of you guys follow me (or want to follow me) .
this was a pretty generalupdateblahblahboring post , and i promise the next one will be more interesting . i have stories to tell y'all :)
stay strong , think thin , live ana