Friday, October 26, 2012

RE: "The Ana Oath" Post

in regards to a comment on a previous post , which was a link to a holier-than-thou i'minrecoverysoyoushouldbetoo bitch's blogs , which called me "complete and utter filth" and a "scared, self loathing, suicidal person," and went on to list all the terrifying side effects of anorexia , which i had never heard before and were all completely believable and backed up by reputable sources (can you sense the sarcasm steaming out of my ears?) . 

people like that INFURIATE me . they think recovery is so glamorous , makes them so much better than us . well guess what bitches , you're fatter than most of us too . and you're doing exactly the thing that led us to flee to ana's arms in the first place : putting us down . how dare you talk shit on pro-anas when you KNOW that we clearly have very little self-esteem ? how dare you go around the internet attacking us , rather than focusing on your precious "recovery" and your own lives? calling us filth ,  disgusting , evil , or whathaveyou is only going to make our problems worse . in fact , i was honestly shocked at the brutal language of the introduction to this recoveryfreak's post. 

so , dear "pro-recovery" saints ,

LEMME MAKE THIS CLEAR :

I DO NOT BLOG TO GLORIFY ANOREXIA , AS YOU CAN CLEARLY READ IN MY DISCLAIMER AT THE BOTTOM .

this post was not meant to tell other people , "HEY !! LOOK AT ME !! THIS IS EXACTLY HOW YOU SHOULD THINK AND WHAT YOU SHOULD DO !!!! JOIN THE RANKS AND DESTROY YOUR LIFE JUST LIKE ME !!!!!!!"

fuck no .

this is a poem that i wrote when i was feeling deeply depressed about my disorder . on that day , i gave up on fighting it . it's not about joining the ana lifestyle , it's about already being there and realizing that you can never escape , so you might as well do what ana says because that makes life a little less miserable when she isn't screaming in your head .

to me , "pro ana" is not about encouraging EDs . when i say that i am "pro ana ," i mean the same thing as i do when i say that i'm an LGBT ally : it's a label that implies membership to a judgement-free community , in this case a community of people with eating disorders . i wrote a paper on the topic for english class last year that i've been meaning to post on this blog , but i'll save that speech for another day . for now , just know this :

i would not wish this sickness , this burdon , this miserable excuse for a life upon a single human soul .

stay strong , think thin , live ana
xoxoNikkioxox
@sickk_nikki

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

getting there (progress pix in this one !!)

(this is me at around 140lbs)



(this is me at 123lbs , look at the difference !!!!)

i've made a lot of progress since my last post , and not just with my weight loss . i got a new job near my school and apartment , so i can finally get settled here . i feel a little torn between two places since drew is still a good 45 minute drive away , but i'm slowly finding a balance . my roommate moved out so i have the room to myself now (which is great because i can finally exercise and occasionally eat in solitude) , and i've been cleaning and organizing and decorating and making the place all my own .

i've noticed lately that i'm thinking more like an adult , or maybe it's just my eating disorder diffusing into the rest of my brain and making me obsessively organized , because i really keep track of my shit now , and i clean like a maniac (which burns calories !!) . i keep a separate planner from the one i use for school to keep track of my weight , intake , exercise and B/Ps . i even record how many diet pills i take in a day and at what time !! i have noticed that over time , less and less space in the squares is filled up by the blue writing that indicates food intake . many of them are blank , other than the diet pills .

i don't plan what i eat , or when/how much i exercise . when i do that , i always deviate from my plan or my school/work/social life conflicts with it or i just plain fuck it up and then i feel like shit about myself . but when i just wing it , i feel pretty good . i have to strategize somewhat to beat plateaus (like the one i'm trying to beat right now) , but i don't even have to try to restrict my eating . i've gotten to the point where food just doesn't appeal to me . if i have to eat , i dread it . i honestly do like the taste of most things (i've lost my appetite for a lot of things) , but i absolutely hate the feeling of food in my stomach . anything more than a handful of food gets rejected if i can find a way (and i do , almost always . i've only "kept" twice in the last 3 weeks or so). if i feel weak , i eat something small , or just drink water or black coffee . i have more important things to do than eat , and more important goals to accomplish than maintaining my health .

now that i'm not driving back and forth from my hometown as much , i have a lot more spare time . i didn't even realize how busy i was until i finally got some real free-time , and it felt STRANGE to me . the first free night i had , i thought i was going to lose my mind because there was absolutely nothing to do !! my apartment doesn't have a TV yet , i was done with my homework , and i ended up going to bed early just to end the boredom . i would've blogged , but i couldn't think of anything to say . but , i'm finally back :) maybe with all this free time i'll start making thinspo videos again or something . i have been tweeting a lot more often , if any of you guys follow me (or want to follow me) .

this was a pretty generalupdateblahblahboring post , and i promise the next one will be more interesting  . i have stories to tell y'all :)

stay strong , think thin , live ana
xoxoNikkioxox
@sickk_nikki