Sunday, August 12, 2012

i'm sorry i've neglected you all for so long , i deserve to have a cheeseburger stuffed down my throat for it :( but i'm back again for an update , and when i go to school next week i should have more time to blog .

things got really rough in june . i was on the verge of an emotional collapse . any little thing would send me into a fury or make me burst into tears . the whole situation with drew had finally broken me down . on top of that , my dad got caught cheating again , i had barely any friends , and found out i might not be able to afford to go back to school . everything in my life was derailing , and i was stumbling through the days . every day i'd wake up , see drew , go to work , and come home and pass out every night . we were deep in a k2 binge and i was waiting for him to keep his word and take me back , like he said he would .

he did .

it wasn't like a movie , where the couple gets back together in the end and it's a giant huggy-kissy fest and they have the best relationship forever happilyeverfuckingafter . it took time for us to gain trust in eachother again , i was still weary about lyssa and he had caught me talking to other guys . we'd both hurt eachother a lot , and we'd both changed into harder people . but with a little time , things felt right again . he treats me better than ever before , keeps his promises , wipes my tears , hugs me like he never wants to let go . we've healed eachother , grown closer through our pain . our love is stronger than ever before . i finally feel close to him again , he's my everything , and i know i'm his . his friends are betting we'll get married ; we're betting with them .

i've realized my mistakes and owned up to them . i'm trying to be a better me , a better half of "we" . i feel terrible when i snap on him , i still have a horrible temper problem that i can barely keep in check . and when i don't like what i see on the scale in the morning , or i can't get my hair to look right , or i can't find an outfit i don't look enormous in , it turns me into a crabass for the whole day . i don't know how he puts up with it , but i love him for it . he understands me better than anyone else . he's even tried to understand my food and weight problems .

just the other day we went to the mall so i could get new clothes for school . i went into one of my temper-fits after a pair of jeans i tried on wouldn't button . we took a smoke break , and when he asked why i was upset , i told him . to my surprise , he told me it might've just been a brand that ran small , and that i'd been losing weight so i'd fit into them soon anyways , right ?

i appreciated the support . but little does he know , he's encouraging my own self-destruction . i don't care if he thinks pencil arms and thighs that don't touch are unattractive . everyone has their own definition of "beauty" , and i formed mine years ago the first time my finger touched the back of my throat , the first time i felt the buzz of a hunger high , the first time i discovered thinspo and stared at my computer screen for hours admiring all the perfect bodies . there's beauty in bones , i just have to uncover them .

my battery scale died so i haven't been able to check my exact weight in a while , but i know i'm at my thinnest . i wear a size 3 jeans . my arms look tinier . my spine digs into my chair . my body is weak , but my mind is strong , and i know the difference between feeling and skill .

stay strong , think thin , live ana



  1. Wow, what a rollercoaster. I'm glad you two managed to pull through and become stronger.

    I fucking HATE the brands that run small as much as the ones that run big. So much disgust and rage at the trickery. I don't WANT to think I'm a 12 when I'm a 14 FFS! That'll just let me get fatter and think it's ok!

    Take care and stay awesome. Check back in again soon, ok? Missed you!

  2. We wanna see new pictures of you sweetie, your progress inspires me so much and I think you are absolutely lovely.

  3. Do you have a tumblr?

  4. thanks for the support guys !! i'm posting progress pix soon as i get a chance . and no , i don't have a tumblr :/

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  6. wow 128lbs! i'm working on getting down to 130 :) what have you been doing/using lately? are there any specific methods? i've been having a lot of black coffee but i don't know if its working...


    I thought you might like this blog <3 I LOOOOVEE it. It's about a girl who has an eating disorder, which gradually grew into sex addiction and a drug problem. It's really good! .

  8. You sound like you're doing really well. I'm glad drew is being so lovely. :) I hope you're still doing well, as it seems this post was from quite some time ago. Update again soon and let us know how you are, ok? Love and hugs!

  9. Hey can you follow back on twitter when you get a chance? I just followed you @catnips3 I need to privately message you xoxo


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