Sunday, August 12, 2012

i'm sorry i've neglected you all for so long , i deserve to have a cheeseburger stuffed down my throat for it :( but i'm back again for an update , and when i go to school next week i should have more time to blog .

things got really rough in june . i was on the verge of an emotional collapse . any little thing would send me into a fury or make me burst into tears . the whole situation with drew had finally broken me down . on top of that , my dad got caught cheating again , i had barely any friends , and found out i might not be able to afford to go back to school . everything in my life was derailing , and i was stumbling through the days . every day i'd wake up , see drew , go to work , and come home and pass out every night . we were deep in a k2 binge and i was waiting for him to keep his word and take me back , like he said he would .

he did .

it wasn't like a movie , where the couple gets back together in the end and it's a giant huggy-kissy fest and they have the best relationship forever happilyeverfuckingafter . it took time for us to gain trust in eachother again , i was still weary about lyssa and he had caught me talking to other guys . we'd both hurt eachother a lot , and we'd both changed into harder people . but with a little time , things felt right again . he treats me better than ever before , keeps his promises , wipes my tears , hugs me like he never wants to let go . we've healed eachother , grown closer through our pain . our love is stronger than ever before . i finally feel close to him again , he's my everything , and i know i'm his . his friends are betting we'll get married ; we're betting with them .

i've realized my mistakes and owned up to them . i'm trying to be a better me , a better half of "we" . i feel terrible when i snap on him , i still have a horrible temper problem that i can barely keep in check . and when i don't like what i see on the scale in the morning , or i can't get my hair to look right , or i can't find an outfit i don't look enormous in , it turns me into a crabass for the whole day . i don't know how he puts up with it , but i love him for it . he understands me better than anyone else . he's even tried to understand my food and weight problems .

just the other day we went to the mall so i could get new clothes for school . i went into one of my temper-fits after a pair of jeans i tried on wouldn't button . we took a smoke break , and when he asked why i was upset , i told him . to my surprise , he told me it might've just been a brand that ran small , and that i'd been losing weight so i'd fit into them soon anyways , right ?

i appreciated the support . but little does he know , he's encouraging my own self-destruction . i don't care if he thinks pencil arms and thighs that don't touch are unattractive . everyone has their own definition of "beauty" , and i formed mine years ago the first time my finger touched the back of my throat , the first time i felt the buzz of a hunger high , the first time i discovered thinspo and stared at my computer screen for hours admiring all the perfect bodies . there's beauty in bones , i just have to uncover them .

my battery scale died so i haven't been able to check my exact weight in a while , but i know i'm at my thinnest . i wear a size 3 jeans . my arms look tinier . my spine digs into my chair . my body is weak , but my mind is strong , and i know the difference between feeling and skill .

stay strong , think thin , live ana