Sunday, May 27, 2012

come on, skinny love, just last the year..

i tell my love to wreck it all,
cut out the ropes and let me fall. 
my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
right in the moment, this order's tall.

"Skinny Love"   - Birdy

[WARNING: i'm fucked up on weed, k2 and 80mg of Vivance [which makes me talkative as shit and type like a secretary who's been working for 30 years typing bullshit], have a metric fuckton of stuff to bring you guys up to speed with and a lot of pent up emotions. so i don't know where this is gonna go, how sad or depressing or maybe even boring it's gonna be, if i'm going to sound like an idiot, but whatever. i'm finally blogging again. i need this. this is for me, definately, but it's also for all of you. i feel terrible about my absences from this blog and from the pro ana community in general; i used to be a big dog in this game.. so, before you even set foot off the sailboat, i want you to be assured, 100 PERCENT that i am going to keep up with this blog this time. i'll try to post little things here and there when i'm busy, but i'll have a meaty post summing up the main events at least once a week. if something major happens, expect to find me here. i mean, i have thinspirational quotes on my phone's background. i'm really back in the game.]

i don't know what exactly brings me back to this blog. after all the times i've promised to keep writing and haven't, it wouldn't surprise me if most of you have forgotten about me. i deserve no less, for abandoning all of you. i feel like i became one of those girls who just disappeared. blogging one day, gone the next. we never know what happens to them, whether they ended up in rehab, chose recovery, got hospitalized, maybe even died. so many wonderful voices, powerful writers who i admired so have slipped into those shadows. not this voice.

i am here. i am alive. and i am empty.

empty. for the first time in so long, i have gone days and days running on little to no food. the voices slowly returning, telling me to put down the cookie, smoke a cigarette instead, i don't need food. i'm distancing myself from it again, i no longer have the desire to eat. nothing even tastes good. all i think about is calories, fat content, sugars, fat fat fat. no taste is worth gaining weight to me. no flavor is worth jeopardizing my mission.

i am going to make myself sick.

honestly, i've nearly entered self-destruct mode. i've been drawn back to the blade, slipped up multiple times, almost became downright addicted again. ana doesn't need to scar me to offer relief from my pain. i find joy in the simple rumble of my stomach, it's acknowledgement of emptiness, just quiet enough not to hurt. i've trained myself out of getting the munchies and throw up what i'm absolutely forced to eat. not because i enjoy the purging, but because i just want it gone. it doesn't feel right. i am not going to become a bulimic, bingeing until my jaws hurt and vomiting until i see blood. no, not this time. this time i am geared up to starve.

i'm starting to feel a little happier. i feel empowered. finally, one thing in my life i can get a grip on. i'm about to start an ana twitter account and possibly switch to tumblr, unless enough people are still reading me here. (so spread the word that i'm back for good!!)

as for drew, which i'm sure you're all interested to hear about, it won't surprise you. he's running around like a leaf in the wind, and i'm stuck in one place like the tree he came from. now that i'm back home, my mom hears me from her sleeping spot on the couch talking about him in my restless sleep, mumbling things like "drew, drew," "please come back," "ferret bitch" (okay, i'm kidding about that one lol) and "twelve seventeen" (our anniversary). one night i had a dream they got married. i was apparently wailing in my sleep and started saying "s'posed to be me" over and over and over. needless to say, i'm a mess. but at this point, with this whole new TurningMyLifeAround thing, i've made a decision. set a date for myself, June 18. if he can't make up his mind in time for what ShouldBeCouldaBeenMightBe our year and a half mark, i'll rip myself away from him like a bandaid off my arm. it'll be scary, i'll probably procrastinate it, and it'll hurt like hell, but i'll do it, and i'll make it somehow. he told me he was pretty sure he was done with lyssa after her latest fiasco of dumping him over text twice in one day. but considering the cutesy pictures on their facebooks, i'm not convinced. i used to think without him, i'd be miserable at best. but lately, and especially as i lose more, i've realized i could get another guy if i really wanted to. he might not be the same, but he could give me the attention i've been starved of for so long.

i realized this whenever i met devon. we're nothing official, and i don't plan on letting it get there, just hanging out. it's actually a pretty cute story how we met. see, i was working at subway one day, and it just seemed to be RAINING sexy men. there was so much eye candy, it could have been halloween. my friend elle and one of her friends were up there eating and hanging out (my work is pretty lax when the boss is gone, most of my coworkers like elle. one of the more higher-rank girls [even though we're all at the same fucking starter level shithole at that place] even gives her my employee discount nearly every time she comes in.). we were semi-slow, just short lines of people once in a while, an easy day. then, in walked devon. at first, just another piece of eye candy for the day, some flirting fun. but he was much more direct with his flirtations than most boys i flirt with at work are. he told me to make him whatever i normally make for myself, a high form of flattery for a sandwich artist like myself. so i whipped him up a veggie footlong, loaded up with all my usual fixings. after i rang him out, i told him to come back and see me. he promised he would. but something in my gut told me that this wasn't the end of our encounter. i came up with an idea, and i had to go for it. i called elle's friend up to explain the plan. i showed her my secret weapon, a cookie bag with my number written on it saying "you're sweet. text me sometime:) -Nikki." i told her if i couldn't get off the sandwich line to give it to him myself, that i wanted her to run it to him if he started to leave. sure enough, whenever i saw him start making his way to the door, elle's friend took off with that cookie faster than a little boy running for michael jackson (too soon? sorrynotsorry). when she gave it to him and he realized what it was, he could not stop looking back at subway and smiling. a couple days later, devon texted me. asked me out on a date, took me out for ice cream, and snuck us into a park to stare at the stars.

cute story, huh? but something's amiss, right? you're probably thinking this boy is too good to be true. 

you're absolutely right. i busted his ass living with what he claims is is EXgirlfriend, but i'm not so sure about that first syllable. i can only come over when she isn't home, she flipped shit on him when i gave him a hickey, and he's always on me about birth control. what does that have to do with it? well, he's freaked out about getting me knocked up cuz he's got a bitch at home who would find out. he's 25, how's he gonna explain an 18 year old girl pregnant with his baby? the more i think about it, the more i realize that he's using me as part of his little game and only wants me for sex. i made the mistake of sleeping with him on our first date, which was a big one. i don't think i'll ever have the heart to tell drew, to hurt him that bad. he'd never touch me again. but what he doesn't understand is that what compelled me to accept devon's advances that night was that i get none of those advances from drew. drew likes to focus on the main event. that's it. we rarely even kiss. and it's a very, very rare occasion that a compliment slips out of his mouth between the sarcastic comments he makes. devon gives me everything i've been craving. the sexual and emotional attention. and in his mind, all the time is attention time. i exist. he acts like he can't get enough of me. when we're together, and i'm not thinking about what i've figured out he's doing, we can't keep our hands to ourselves. or our lips. or anything else. we just go crazy. it's such an escape; it makes me feel so good, but somehow, i just don't really like him anymore. maybe i'm using him too, now. but that's okay, because there was one more element to the whole TurningMyLifeAround deal:

i take no shit from people, and i stand up for myself. i've developed this boss-bitch attitude that i'm really starting to like. if i can't find anything to be confident about in the me i've got in front of me now, i sure as shit can in my boss bitch self. i take what i want, look out for myself, and if you fuck with my emotions; i'll break your heart.

that's exactly what i intend to do to devon. everything ties together. in the end, i'm going to tell him i stopped eating because of him, and that i've been talking to drew still the whole time. i warned him not to underestimate me just because i'm young. i'm sick of being hurt by everyone around me. it's time to be the one inflicting the hurt, for once.

and it doesn't stop with devon. i still have to make my family pay. make drew pay. make anyone who ever screwed me over stare through the glass at me as i lie on a hospital bed, emaciated with a heart too weak to pump blood through my bonesandskin body. they will feel pain. they will feel guilt. i will make sure they know that it was the pain they caused me that led me to (nearly) starve myself to death.

i'm done being a pro-ana voice with a wannarexic body. i'm creating a new mold for myself, and i'll do anything to fit into it. as fucked up as it is, i feel like this is my last shot at happiness. already, ana has made me feel more like my old self. i feel myself coming out of my shell a bit more again, not needing to get stoned so often, not feeling so lost. every day, every hour has purpose now: resist food. it's a purpose i can control, a rule i can obey, a task i can succeed in. i'm a self-proclaimed boss bitch and a SoonToBe-skinny bitch. i got this.

keep reading my blog to watch the chaos unfold:)

stay strong, think thin, live ana


  1. So glad to see you are back in the ana community. I've really missed reading your posts. I've been reading your blog from the very beginning. Back when you were with Molly. You've changed and grown so much since then! You are a real thinspiration to me, and I can't wait to read more now that you are back!!

  2. it's great that you're back! now write more.

  3. Let's become monsters and turn this world upside-down together.

  4. Your back! We haven't forgot about you. To tell you the truth I check blogger everyday, just to see if you updated. I hope you are doing better,

  5. I'm so happy you're back! I love reading your words and you're a beautiful inspiration to me. We're all in this same struggle together so we have to make the best of it!

  6. What happened to your facebook love?


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