Thursday, November 15, 2012

"i know this pretty rave girl .."

dubstep is more than music to me . and raves are more than techno-parties . dubstep is every powerful emotion you feel - anger , passion , sadness , happiness - turned into sound . it's raw , it's in your face , it's dirty , it's YOUTH . a rave isn't just the new hip scene , it's not just the night all the weirdos show up at the club , it's home to me . i don't even have to be fucked up to feel the warmness rush over me when i step into a rave . i see the lights , feel the bass and the bodyheat , smell the sweat and blunt smoke , and i'm ready to rage my ass off .

my best friend is the one who introduced me to this wonderful world . smoking weed is the basis of our friendship , so i'll just call her Jane or MJ on here . she's , like , definition of "pretty rave girl." skinny as hell too . she's giving me all her old jeans since she just went down a size , so i gotta get these fat legs ready for size 1 skinnies . i wanted to get under 110 by my birthday in december , surely by then i'll go down a jean size !!

i just want so badly to stand by MJ and feel like we're a pair , not like i'm the fat sidekick to the cute hippie chick . i wanna dance at raves without worrying about my thighs wobbling while i'm moving or about looking fat in my booty shorts . i just wanna be free . i just wanna be thin .

now , when i stand , my knees touch , but my calves and thighs don't . it's barely a gap , but it's there . i'm getting there . i'll be happy someday .

stay strong , think thin , live ana
(make sure if you follow me on twitter , tweet to me so i know who my blog followers are !! :) )

Friday, October 26, 2012

RE: "The Ana Oath" Post

in regards to a comment on a previous post , which was a link to a holier-than-thou i'minrecoverysoyoushouldbetoo bitch's blogs , which called me "complete and utter filth" and a "scared, self loathing, suicidal person," and went on to list all the terrifying side effects of anorexia , which i had never heard before and were all completely believable and backed up by reputable sources (can you sense the sarcasm steaming out of my ears?) . 

people like that INFURIATE me . they think recovery is so glamorous , makes them so much better than us . well guess what bitches , you're fatter than most of us too . and you're doing exactly the thing that led us to flee to ana's arms in the first place : putting us down . how dare you talk shit on pro-anas when you KNOW that we clearly have very little self-esteem ? how dare you go around the internet attacking us , rather than focusing on your precious "recovery" and your own lives? calling us filth ,  disgusting , evil , or whathaveyou is only going to make our problems worse . in fact , i was honestly shocked at the brutal language of the introduction to this recoveryfreak's post. 

so , dear "pro-recovery" saints ,




fuck no .

this is a poem that i wrote when i was feeling deeply depressed about my disorder . on that day , i gave up on fighting it . it's not about joining the ana lifestyle , it's about already being there and realizing that you can never escape , so you might as well do what ana says because that makes life a little less miserable when she isn't screaming in your head .

to me , "pro ana" is not about encouraging EDs . when i say that i am "pro ana ," i mean the same thing as i do when i say that i'm an LGBT ally : it's a label that implies membership to a judgement-free community , in this case a community of people with eating disorders . i wrote a paper on the topic for english class last year that i've been meaning to post on this blog , but i'll save that speech for another day . for now , just know this :

i would not wish this sickness , this burdon , this miserable excuse for a life upon a single human soul .

stay strong , think thin , live ana

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

getting there (progress pix in this one !!)

(this is me at around 140lbs)

(this is me at 123lbs , look at the difference !!!!)

i've made a lot of progress since my last post , and not just with my weight loss . i got a new job near my school and apartment , so i can finally get settled here . i feel a little torn between two places since drew is still a good 45 minute drive away , but i'm slowly finding a balance . my roommate moved out so i have the room to myself now (which is great because i can finally exercise and occasionally eat in solitude) , and i've been cleaning and organizing and decorating and making the place all my own .

i've noticed lately that i'm thinking more like an adult , or maybe it's just my eating disorder diffusing into the rest of my brain and making me obsessively organized , because i really keep track of my shit now , and i clean like a maniac (which burns calories !!) . i keep a separate planner from the one i use for school to keep track of my weight , intake , exercise and B/Ps . i even record how many diet pills i take in a day and at what time !! i have noticed that over time , less and less space in the squares is filled up by the blue writing that indicates food intake . many of them are blank , other than the diet pills .

i don't plan what i eat , or when/how much i exercise . when i do that , i always deviate from my plan or my school/work/social life conflicts with it or i just plain fuck it up and then i feel like shit about myself . but when i just wing it , i feel pretty good . i have to strategize somewhat to beat plateaus (like the one i'm trying to beat right now) , but i don't even have to try to restrict my eating . i've gotten to the point where food just doesn't appeal to me . if i have to eat , i dread it . i honestly do like the taste of most things (i've lost my appetite for a lot of things) , but i absolutely hate the feeling of food in my stomach . anything more than a handful of food gets rejected if i can find a way (and i do , almost always . i've only "kept" twice in the last 3 weeks or so). if i feel weak , i eat something small , or just drink water or black coffee . i have more important things to do than eat , and more important goals to accomplish than maintaining my health .

now that i'm not driving back and forth from my hometown as much , i have a lot more spare time . i didn't even realize how busy i was until i finally got some real free-time , and it felt STRANGE to me . the first free night i had , i thought i was going to lose my mind because there was absolutely nothing to do !! my apartment doesn't have a TV yet , i was done with my homework , and i ended up going to bed early just to end the boredom . i would've blogged , but i couldn't think of anything to say . but , i'm finally back :) maybe with all this free time i'll start making thinspo videos again or something . i have been tweeting a lot more often , if any of you guys follow me (or want to follow me) .

this was a pretty generalupdateblahblahboring post , and i promise the next one will be more interesting  . i have stories to tell y'all :)

stay strong , think thin , live ana

Sunday, September 2, 2012

The Ana Oath

i pledge allegiance to this disease ,
for Ana has taken over me .
i shall not want ; i shall not eat .
my mind remains strong when my body is weak.
lighter than air ,
purer than snow ,
Ana will perfect me , and put me in control .

stay strong , think thin , live ana

Sunday, August 12, 2012

i'm sorry i've neglected you all for so long , i deserve to have a cheeseburger stuffed down my throat for it :( but i'm back again for an update , and when i go to school next week i should have more time to blog .

things got really rough in june . i was on the verge of an emotional collapse . any little thing would send me into a fury or make me burst into tears . the whole situation with drew had finally broken me down . on top of that , my dad got caught cheating again , i had barely any friends , and found out i might not be able to afford to go back to school . everything in my life was derailing , and i was stumbling through the days . every day i'd wake up , see drew , go to work , and come home and pass out every night . we were deep in a k2 binge and i was waiting for him to keep his word and take me back , like he said he would .

he did .

it wasn't like a movie , where the couple gets back together in the end and it's a giant huggy-kissy fest and they have the best relationship forever happilyeverfuckingafter . it took time for us to gain trust in eachother again , i was still weary about lyssa and he had caught me talking to other guys . we'd both hurt eachother a lot , and we'd both changed into harder people . but with a little time , things felt right again . he treats me better than ever before , keeps his promises , wipes my tears , hugs me like he never wants to let go . we've healed eachother , grown closer through our pain . our love is stronger than ever before . i finally feel close to him again , he's my everything , and i know i'm his . his friends are betting we'll get married ; we're betting with them .

i've realized my mistakes and owned up to them . i'm trying to be a better me , a better half of "we" . i feel terrible when i snap on him , i still have a horrible temper problem that i can barely keep in check . and when i don't like what i see on the scale in the morning , or i can't get my hair to look right , or i can't find an outfit i don't look enormous in , it turns me into a crabass for the whole day . i don't know how he puts up with it , but i love him for it . he understands me better than anyone else . he's even tried to understand my food and weight problems .

just the other day we went to the mall so i could get new clothes for school . i went into one of my temper-fits after a pair of jeans i tried on wouldn't button . we took a smoke break , and when he asked why i was upset , i told him . to my surprise , he told me it might've just been a brand that ran small , and that i'd been losing weight so i'd fit into them soon anyways , right ?

i appreciated the support . but little does he know , he's encouraging my own self-destruction . i don't care if he thinks pencil arms and thighs that don't touch are unattractive . everyone has their own definition of "beauty" , and i formed mine years ago the first time my finger touched the back of my throat , the first time i felt the buzz of a hunger high , the first time i discovered thinspo and stared at my computer screen for hours admiring all the perfect bodies . there's beauty in bones , i just have to uncover them .

my battery scale died so i haven't been able to check my exact weight in a while , but i know i'm at my thinnest . i wear a size 3 jeans . my arms look tinier . my spine digs into my chair . my body is weak , but my mind is strong , and i know the difference between feeling and skill .

stay strong , think thin , live ana


Friday, June 1, 2012

when life speeds by

vivance is my new best friend. with the help of a few little pills one of my friends gave me for free, i managed a 4 day water fast to kick off my latest attempt at starvation. yesterday, i slid into size 4 jeans for the first time and felt tears in my eyes as i pulled up the zipper. perfect fit.

5lbs gone. i'd say i'm off to a pretty good start.

stay strong, think thin, live ana.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

come on, skinny love, just last the year..

i tell my love to wreck it all,
cut out the ropes and let me fall. 
my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
right in the moment, this order's tall.

"Skinny Love"   - Birdy

[WARNING: i'm fucked up on weed, k2 and 80mg of Vivance [which makes me talkative as shit and type like a secretary who's been working for 30 years typing bullshit], have a metric fuckton of stuff to bring you guys up to speed with and a lot of pent up emotions. so i don't know where this is gonna go, how sad or depressing or maybe even boring it's gonna be, if i'm going to sound like an idiot, but whatever. i'm finally blogging again. i need this. this is for me, definately, but it's also for all of you. i feel terrible about my absences from this blog and from the pro ana community in general; i used to be a big dog in this game.. so, before you even set foot off the sailboat, i want you to be assured, 100 PERCENT that i am going to keep up with this blog this time. i'll try to post little things here and there when i'm busy, but i'll have a meaty post summing up the main events at least once a week. if something major happens, expect to find me here. i mean, i have thinspirational quotes on my phone's background. i'm really back in the game.]

i don't know what exactly brings me back to this blog. after all the times i've promised to keep writing and haven't, it wouldn't surprise me if most of you have forgotten about me. i deserve no less, for abandoning all of you. i feel like i became one of those girls who just disappeared. blogging one day, gone the next. we never know what happens to them, whether they ended up in rehab, chose recovery, got hospitalized, maybe even died. so many wonderful voices, powerful writers who i admired so have slipped into those shadows. not this voice.

i am here. i am alive. and i am empty.

empty. for the first time in so long, i have gone days and days running on little to no food. the voices slowly returning, telling me to put down the cookie, smoke a cigarette instead, i don't need food. i'm distancing myself from it again, i no longer have the desire to eat. nothing even tastes good. all i think about is calories, fat content, sugars, fat fat fat. no taste is worth gaining weight to me. no flavor is worth jeopardizing my mission.

i am going to make myself sick.

honestly, i've nearly entered self-destruct mode. i've been drawn back to the blade, slipped up multiple times, almost became downright addicted again. ana doesn't need to scar me to offer relief from my pain. i find joy in the simple rumble of my stomach, it's acknowledgement of emptiness, just quiet enough not to hurt. i've trained myself out of getting the munchies and throw up what i'm absolutely forced to eat. not because i enjoy the purging, but because i just want it gone. it doesn't feel right. i am not going to become a bulimic, bingeing until my jaws hurt and vomiting until i see blood. no, not this time. this time i am geared up to starve.

i'm starting to feel a little happier. i feel empowered. finally, one thing in my life i can get a grip on. i'm about to start an ana twitter account and possibly switch to tumblr, unless enough people are still reading me here. (so spread the word that i'm back for good!!)

as for drew, which i'm sure you're all interested to hear about, it won't surprise you. he's running around like a leaf in the wind, and i'm stuck in one place like the tree he came from. now that i'm back home, my mom hears me from her sleeping spot on the couch talking about him in my restless sleep, mumbling things like "drew, drew," "please come back," "ferret bitch" (okay, i'm kidding about that one lol) and "twelve seventeen" (our anniversary). one night i had a dream they got married. i was apparently wailing in my sleep and started saying "s'posed to be me" over and over and over. needless to say, i'm a mess. but at this point, with this whole new TurningMyLifeAround thing, i've made a decision. set a date for myself, June 18. if he can't make up his mind in time for what ShouldBeCouldaBeenMightBe our year and a half mark, i'll rip myself away from him like a bandaid off my arm. it'll be scary, i'll probably procrastinate it, and it'll hurt like hell, but i'll do it, and i'll make it somehow. he told me he was pretty sure he was done with lyssa after her latest fiasco of dumping him over text twice in one day. but considering the cutesy pictures on their facebooks, i'm not convinced. i used to think without him, i'd be miserable at best. but lately, and especially as i lose more, i've realized i could get another guy if i really wanted to. he might not be the same, but he could give me the attention i've been starved of for so long.

i realized this whenever i met devon. we're nothing official, and i don't plan on letting it get there, just hanging out. it's actually a pretty cute story how we met. see, i was working at subway one day, and it just seemed to be RAINING sexy men. there was so much eye candy, it could have been halloween. my friend elle and one of her friends were up there eating and hanging out (my work is pretty lax when the boss is gone, most of my coworkers like elle. one of the more higher-rank girls [even though we're all at the same fucking starter level shithole at that place] even gives her my employee discount nearly every time she comes in.). we were semi-slow, just short lines of people once in a while, an easy day. then, in walked devon. at first, just another piece of eye candy for the day, some flirting fun. but he was much more direct with his flirtations than most boys i flirt with at work are. he told me to make him whatever i normally make for myself, a high form of flattery for a sandwich artist like myself. so i whipped him up a veggie footlong, loaded up with all my usual fixings. after i rang him out, i told him to come back and see me. he promised he would. but something in my gut told me that this wasn't the end of our encounter. i came up with an idea, and i had to go for it. i called elle's friend up to explain the plan. i showed her my secret weapon, a cookie bag with my number written on it saying "you're sweet. text me sometime:) -Nikki." i told her if i couldn't get off the sandwich line to give it to him myself, that i wanted her to run it to him if he started to leave. sure enough, whenever i saw him start making his way to the door, elle's friend took off with that cookie faster than a little boy running for michael jackson (too soon? sorrynotsorry). when she gave it to him and he realized what it was, he could not stop looking back at subway and smiling. a couple days later, devon texted me. asked me out on a date, took me out for ice cream, and snuck us into a park to stare at the stars.

cute story, huh? but something's amiss, right? you're probably thinking this boy is too good to be true. 

you're absolutely right. i busted his ass living with what he claims is is EXgirlfriend, but i'm not so sure about that first syllable. i can only come over when she isn't home, she flipped shit on him when i gave him a hickey, and he's always on me about birth control. what does that have to do with it? well, he's freaked out about getting me knocked up cuz he's got a bitch at home who would find out. he's 25, how's he gonna explain an 18 year old girl pregnant with his baby? the more i think about it, the more i realize that he's using me as part of his little game and only wants me for sex. i made the mistake of sleeping with him on our first date, which was a big one. i don't think i'll ever have the heart to tell drew, to hurt him that bad. he'd never touch me again. but what he doesn't understand is that what compelled me to accept devon's advances that night was that i get none of those advances from drew. drew likes to focus on the main event. that's it. we rarely even kiss. and it's a very, very rare occasion that a compliment slips out of his mouth between the sarcastic comments he makes. devon gives me everything i've been craving. the sexual and emotional attention. and in his mind, all the time is attention time. i exist. he acts like he can't get enough of me. when we're together, and i'm not thinking about what i've figured out he's doing, we can't keep our hands to ourselves. or our lips. or anything else. we just go crazy. it's such an escape; it makes me feel so good, but somehow, i just don't really like him anymore. maybe i'm using him too, now. but that's okay, because there was one more element to the whole TurningMyLifeAround deal:

i take no shit from people, and i stand up for myself. i've developed this boss-bitch attitude that i'm really starting to like. if i can't find anything to be confident about in the me i've got in front of me now, i sure as shit can in my boss bitch self. i take what i want, look out for myself, and if you fuck with my emotions; i'll break your heart.

that's exactly what i intend to do to devon. everything ties together. in the end, i'm going to tell him i stopped eating because of him, and that i've been talking to drew still the whole time. i warned him not to underestimate me just because i'm young. i'm sick of being hurt by everyone around me. it's time to be the one inflicting the hurt, for once.

and it doesn't stop with devon. i still have to make my family pay. make drew pay. make anyone who ever screwed me over stare through the glass at me as i lie on a hospital bed, emaciated with a heart too weak to pump blood through my bonesandskin body. they will feel pain. they will feel guilt. i will make sure they know that it was the pain they caused me that led me to (nearly) starve myself to death.

i'm done being a pro-ana voice with a wannarexic body. i'm creating a new mold for myself, and i'll do anything to fit into it. as fucked up as it is, i feel like this is my last shot at happiness. already, ana has made me feel more like my old self. i feel myself coming out of my shell a bit more again, not needing to get stoned so often, not feeling so lost. every day, every hour has purpose now: resist food. it's a purpose i can control, a rule i can obey, a task i can succeed in. i'm a self-proclaimed boss bitch and a SoonToBe-skinny bitch. i got this.

keep reading my blog to watch the chaos unfold:)

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Saturday, March 17, 2012

make your own happiness, whatever it takes.

it's been a while since i made that last post. maybe, back then, i wasn't ready to jump right back into ana's arms. 

but now i am.

i only eat a couple times a week, during those dreaded dinners at drew's house. the situation with him won't surprise you: yes, i still talk to him. yes, i still love him; and no, i'm not done with him. he's my best friend, and it's hard to let that go. even just yesterday when i was having a breakdown over my recent self-injury relapse, he was there, and he knew exactly how to make me feel better. it's going to be hard, and the feelings and flirtations will always be in the air between us, but i'm keeping my distance. because now there's something pulling me in a different direction, away from drew and his games and lies: 

my new boyfriend.

after nearly a year and a half of dealing with drew's bullshit and all the resulting pain, i have finally moved on. his name is brian, he's hot, plays guitar and drums (WELL), he's in a band, and he treats me like a princess. he's the best thing that's happened to me in a really long time.

fate has finally dealt me a couple good cards. i'm getting stronger, slowly detaching myself from drew. i don't intend to separate completely, but just enough to distance myself from the hurt. but you can't expect happiness to be handed to you. you have to do some of the dirty work on your own. i've dropped ten pounds in the past two weeks and i am back in the fucking game. i'm gonna get just as skinny as that rat-faced bitch lyssa, and then even skinnier. i'm going to make myself beautiful. irresistible. even after just these ten pounds i've noticed more guys paying attention to me. i'm going to make drew regret letting me go.

i'm getting my shit together. it just took a little time for me to get back in the swing of this. 

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

quick update

1. DONE with drew and all of his bullshit
2. finally pouring myself back into the ana lifestyle

fuck it, i'm young, it's time to have fun;)

stay strong, think thin, live ana

p.s.: i SWEAR i'm going to keep up with this blog this time!!