Friday, November 18, 2011

have you ever looked into the eyes of a monster? put your hand against the glass and known that your fate was sealed in it? "i will never leave you," she coos, mocking your struggles to resist the tempting sanctity of her bony embrace. you see her in your reflection and know that she means it. there she is, right in front of you, inside of you, an incurable disease, a goddess of perfection.

a monster.


i haven't written on this blog in so long. somehow, i decided i didn't need it anymore. i felt nearly fully recovered, eating twice a day without much thought about it. the anxiety was rare. i even got a tattoo of the eating disorder recovery symbol, accented in green to represent my rise from the clutches of EDNOS. i was doing okay. college was going great, and i was making new friends, partying hard, enjoying the freedom. drew and i were on a break, but i knew he was coming back soon. we had some ups and downs, but it was all going to be okay in the end. i was making up for my mistakes, and he was making up for his.

then he got back with lyssa.

for four long months i have waited in patient pain. after a while, i gave up on telling him how hurt i was. after losing one of my best friends just because she got tired of hearing me talk about him, i withdrew into myself. kept all the pain, hurt, rage, everything locked away inside of my quiet exterior. and i didn't just throw myself a pity party forever. it took a long time, but a few weeks ago i started trying to move on. i started talking to people, flirting, putting myself out there. i ended up with an amazing guy practically worshipping the ground i walked on, not to mention a few other people eyeing me as well, and that made me happy for a couple short days before i realized it wasn't what i wanted. something was missing it wasn't drew. i started ignoring all of them, and last night when the really sweet guy texted me while i was with drew, he saw it and i let him tell the poor kid to "fuck off." "it's sammi's guy," he said. "the one she's liked and been with for 11 months." i couldn't believe he'd acknowledged that it was the day that would've marked 11 months since he'd asked me out.

but despite these small victories, the pain is still constant. on the rare occasion that i can fall asleep at night, i have nightmares about him, or about him and lyssa. i skip my morning classes all the time to drift in and out of sleep in attempt to make up for my restless nights. when i do go to class, i barely pay attention. i can't focus on anything. and outside of class? forget about it. i blow off homework and studying to either hang out with andrew or get fucked up enough to forget about him.

my emotions are so out of control, and it's taking over my life. HE is taking over my life. i need to immerse myself in something else, something to numb the pain. i miss that constant high you get after a couple days of starvation. and most of all, i fucking miss my old body. i wasn't thin, but i sure as hell wasn't this fat. i'm too embarassed to give the exact number just yet, but i will say that the dreaded Freshman Fifteen is no fucking joke.

so hello, Ana. i'm sure we can figure out away to get around this twomealsaday contract, right?

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoSammioxox

13 comments:

  1. I can't believe things have gone so up and down for you. I know where your coming from with the boy scenario, although I can't pretend to be able to provide a solution. I just hope that this is whats right for you. I hope your ok <3

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  2. I'm glad to her from you =) And shocked what happened in all the time. I hope you can fix things with Drew.



    I really wanne see your tattoo ;)

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  3. As always dear, welcome back. Never sad to see you feel better... Selfishly never sad to see you come back. But love always. <3

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  4. *Massive hugs*

    Guys can be such utter cocks.

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  5. It's good to hear from you again lovely! but it's sad to hear crap has happened :/ I hope things get better love.

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  6. EDNOS who are truly thin*

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  7. You do realize what you're doing to your body, don't you? Starvation probes your body to eat the muscle mass, as opposed to the fat mass. You were never skinny, more like severely lumpy... even though 135 is a low weight. Your body had been eating up all of the muscle mass, leaving you with retained fat mass. Ever compared a skinny 135 pound girl with a fat 135 pound girl? What do you think the difference is? Google 5 pounds of fat opposed to 5 pounds of muscle. Starvation signals your body to save as much fat as it can. Your body still needs fuel. So it resorts to eating muscle.

    It then takes years to lose the FAT and regain the MUSCLE.
    The only self-deemed EDNOS who are truly thing are those whose fat has gone along with their muscle. Because once the muscle nearly ends, obviously your body will begin to eat the fat.

    Medical school, bitches. Hit the books instead of the scale.

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  8. @The Anonymous right above me:

    You may have been to medical school, but do you know anything about the psychological aspects of eating disorders? Clearly not, if you believe that by listing their negative consequences you can get a sufferer to just "quit."

    Moronic, much?

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  9. I really need you writing! I love it.
    Things will get better.You'll see.
    Keep going.
    Have a good week.
    Stay Strng.
    xx

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  10. lmao.
    The thing is, anonymous 2.0, most of you are fakes until you make it.

    It goes against all human survival instincts. The majority of anorexics are wanna-be-rexics. Samii was never at a LOW weight, nevertheless a starving one! She was still chubby/almost medium.

    The EDNOS shit? That's just teen girls trying to fit into society's image of thinness. You can easily dissociate from it. It's just a mindset. Once you're out of it, you're out unless you choose to be back in.

    Regardless of psychological aspects, and the fact that they are self-imposed, I'm just warning her about her muscle loss. Who wants to be 130 pounds but still chubby because half of what they lost was muscle?!!?

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  11. Hm. I totally understand and agree that most of these girls ARE wannarexics. Still, if they are willing to attempt to starve themselves, then I really don't think that your warning will stop them, although it is nice of you to spend your time trying to help them (no sarcasm, I promise).

    Anyway, I'm sorry if I sounded pissed earlier. I kind of go back and forth on these eating disorder issues since I'm not really one of them. It's sort of twisted, but I, as an outsider, read their blogs. Weird, huh?

    Anyway, good luck with medical school (I'm assuming you're in it from your first post) or your medical practice or whatever. :)

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  12. loooook an ana forum
    http://wannabethindarella.blogspot.com/
    http://wannabethindarella.blogspot.com/
    http://wannabethindarella.blogspot.com/
    http://wannabethindarella.blogspot.com/

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  13. keep your head up, focus on school and recovery <3 men can be such assholes :)

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