Friday, November 18, 2011

have you ever looked into the eyes of a monster? put your hand against the glass and known that your fate was sealed in it? "i will never leave you," she coos, mocking your struggles to resist the tempting sanctity of her bony embrace. you see her in your reflection and know that she means it. there she is, right in front of you, inside of you, an incurable disease, a goddess of perfection.

a monster.

i haven't written on this blog in so long. somehow, i decided i didn't need it anymore. i felt nearly fully recovered, eating twice a day without much thought about it. the anxiety was rare. i even got a tattoo of the eating disorder recovery symbol, accented in green to represent my rise from the clutches of EDNOS. i was doing okay. college was going great, and i was making new friends, partying hard, enjoying the freedom. drew and i were on a break, but i knew he was coming back soon. we had some ups and downs, but it was all going to be okay in the end. i was making up for my mistakes, and he was making up for his.

then he got back with lyssa.

for four long months i have waited in patient pain. after a while, i gave up on telling him how hurt i was. after losing one of my best friends just because she got tired of hearing me talk about him, i withdrew into myself. kept all the pain, hurt, rage, everything locked away inside of my quiet exterior. and i didn't just throw myself a pity party forever. it took a long time, but a few weeks ago i started trying to move on. i started talking to people, flirting, putting myself out there. i ended up with an amazing guy practically worshipping the ground i walked on, not to mention a few other people eyeing me as well, and that made me happy for a couple short days before i realized it wasn't what i wanted. something was missing it wasn't drew. i started ignoring all of them, and last night when the really sweet guy texted me while i was with drew, he saw it and i let him tell the poor kid to "fuck off." "it's sammi's guy," he said. "the one she's liked and been with for 11 months." i couldn't believe he'd acknowledged that it was the day that would've marked 11 months since he'd asked me out.

but despite these small victories, the pain is still constant. on the rare occasion that i can fall asleep at night, i have nightmares about him, or about him and lyssa. i skip my morning classes all the time to drift in and out of sleep in attempt to make up for my restless nights. when i do go to class, i barely pay attention. i can't focus on anything. and outside of class? forget about it. i blow off homework and studying to either hang out with andrew or get fucked up enough to forget about him.

my emotions are so out of control, and it's taking over my life. HE is taking over my life. i need to immerse myself in something else, something to numb the pain. i miss that constant high you get after a couple days of starvation. and most of all, i fucking miss my old body. i wasn't thin, but i sure as hell wasn't this fat. i'm too embarassed to give the exact number just yet, but i will say that the dreaded Freshman Fifteen is no fucking joke.

so hello, Ana. i'm sure we can figure out away to get around this twomealsaday contract, right?

stay strong, think thin, live ana