Friday, August 5, 2011

sex burns 360 calories per hour

no wonder i've finally managed to lose another 2lbs.

but at the same time, i'm worried as fuck.

a few nights ago, my drew and i were high as fuck, and a few minutes after making me OG for the first time, he convinced me to let us try going without a condom. we didn't do it for very long, but only because i finally made him stop. we'd agreed to only slip it in once, and he did that... but then we just kept going. pressed skin to skin, fingers digging into eachothers backs, i'd never felt so close to someone in my life. my eyes watered, just from feeling so completely in love with him. i don't regret a moment of it.

but at the same time, i know, what the fuck was i thinking?

and feeling so close to drew has just made me feel even worse about keeping my relapse a secret from him. i was so sure that he would find out anyway considering the healing scabs on my knuckles and hand, but he's apparently oblivious. my bulimia has gotten completely out of hand, i barely have a gag reflex anymore, i cough up blood, and i've almost fainted a couple times. i want to lose weight, absolutely, but not like this. like my friend said last night, "just not eating isn't as bad as throwing up." i'd much rather take that route.

i know i've been saying this forever, but i really feel the walls closing in on me now. i have to tell him.

stay strong, think thin, live ana