Friday, July 8, 2011

dear food: FUCK YOU and goodnight.

i can't do this anymore. i cannot handle eating like a normal person, all the homecooked meals and fast food and fucking shit. screw normality. i want beauty. i want to get rid of this "recovery weight." i won't starve, i won't purge, but i'm sure as SHIT going to start dieting again.

my current plan is to eat 300 calories on days that i work (6" sandwiches are all around 300 cals, i'm not gonna be SUPER strict with it, so i don't get too obsessive), 100 cals days that i don't work, and allow myself one day a week of 500-800cals. i'll also be exercising a healthy 30 minutes daily, i've found some cool workout videos on youtube and cleaned off the treadmill upstairs.

i'm not starving. i'm not restricting. i'm dieting. eating light. there's nothing wrong with that, right?

i just wanna be beautiful. i just want to stop feeling so disgusted with myself. i'm done crying over cupcakes.

xoxoSammioxox

P.S.: drew and i are doing fantastic now, i've forgiven him and he's made it clear that if there were ever a choice, he would choose me over lyssa. i'm not worried about that anymore, and it's such a relief. now that that's out of our way, i'm trying to be more open with him about my eating issues. it's a slow process, but hell, it's tough to talk about.

9 comments:

  1. Well, if ana is the path for you, remember we will be here every step of the way. Love you Sammi. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. I support you no matter what you do honey, but please don't deceive yourself. <800 calories may seem like it's healthy to you (I haven't read back very far so I don't know how much you restricted before) but it definitely qualifies as starvation. I do it every day, so I promise you, I'm not judging... but, calling it something it's not is going to cause you to go deeper than you may intend...

    If that's what you want to do, but aren't ready to admit it, I get it <3 but if it isn't, please keep your deficit below 1000 (including BMR/Exercise/etc) and at least try to go at a healthy pace if you can. Even at -500 a day you'll lose 1lb of fat per week (which... seems so slow, I KNOW!) but take a look at how much volume that actually is hunnie! You've worked so hard for recovery, please try to remember why you did it, and have it be your choice rather than the EDs.

    http://cabotrainer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/1lb_fat.jpg

    Anyway, I hope things turn around for you soon <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. Whatever you want, we're here. /nod But I wanted to say pretty much what tobf said above when you called your current plan a 'diet' or 'eating light' and there's 'nothing wrong with it'. People on healthy diets eat 1500cals a day, so 500-800cals on your heavy day is most definitely still pro-ana, never mind 300 or 100.

    If that's what you want, fine. But don't let your ED trick you into deceiving yourself that you're being healthy when you're not. That way lies madness!

    Love xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. I haven't really been involved in the internet version of ana mia but I am a life long member of the real Ana Mia. 800 Calories is ok, last week i did 550 a day and drank an excessive amount of water. I was hungry but i felt AMAZING at the end of it. Sometimes it's really nice to just stop eating crap! I lost 3 pounds that week, now granted i am 5'10 and 125 (now 122) but still 3 pounds is a big deal when you are in a bikini!

    ReplyDelete
  5. i am literally eating a mixing bowl full of gumbo and dinty more beef stew. im 6'2 and i weigh 130 pounds. is it harder to gain weight with stews and such? how can i gain muscle with minimal fat?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I so know how you feel about the whole beauty thing. What's the point of being normal when skipping meals and purging can put you beyond normal, and into the beautiful, superhuman, goddess stage? I totally support you on this, and you've inspired me to do a fast then to restrict to 500 cals a day (I'm quite tall and work out 2 hours a day minimum, so the extra 200 can't be all bad, right??) good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  7. i'm doing the skinny girl diet and today is my 3rd day... i feel good but probably should be drinking more water...it is restaurant week where i live and my bf and i are suppose to go out tonight... what do i get????

    ReplyDelete
  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  9. coffee and smokes and cold diet cokes, that's what pretty girls are made of.. I Loooove this, where is it from??

    ReplyDelete

*** note: hater comments will be deleted ***