i can't do this anymore. i cannot handle eating like a normal person, all the homecooked meals and fast food and fucking shit. screw normality. i want beauty. i want to get rid of this "recovery weight." i won't starve, i won't purge, but i'm sure as SHIT going to start dieting again.
my current plan is to eat 300 calories on days that i work (6" sandwiches are all around 300 cals, i'm not gonna be SUPER strict with it, so i don't get too obsessive), 100 cals days that i don't work, and allow myself one day a week of 500-800cals. i'll also be exercising a healthy 30 minutes daily, i've found some cool workout videos on youtube and cleaned off the treadmill upstairs.
i'm not starving. i'm not restricting. i'm dieting. eating light. there's nothing wrong with that, right?
i just wanna be beautiful. i just want to stop feeling so disgusted with myself. i'm done crying over cupcakes.
P.S.: drew and i are doing fantastic now, i've forgiven him and he's made it clear that if there were ever a choice, he would choose me over lyssa. i'm not worried about that anymore, and it's such a relief. now that that's out of our way, i'm trying to be more open with him about my eating issues. it's a slow process, but hell, it's tough to talk about.