Wednesday, July 20, 2011

chelsea smile

"it sits in silence, eats away at me
it feeds like cancer, this guilt could fill a fucking sea
pulling teeth, wolves at my door
now falling and failing is all I know
this disease is getting worse.
i counted my blessings, now i'll count this curse
the only thing i really know: i can't sleep at night
i'm buried and breathing in regret..."
-Bring Me The Horizon, "Chelsea Smile"

i just keep coming closer and closer to breaking down. spilling my guts to drew (pardon the irony). sometimes when i'm around him i just feel those tears waiting behind my eyes to spill out when i finally have the courage to let the word leave my lips: help.

i need help. i need him to know that i've relapsed to the point that it's beyond my control. it didn't take any time at all for me to find myself in just as big of a mess as before. every second of the day, all i can think about is foodfoodfoodfoodfood. meanwhile, voices inside are screaming: fat fucking bitch. lardass. fatfatfatfatfat. everything that passes through my lips winds up in the toilet shortly after. every time i take a shower, more chunks of hair fall down the drain.

i don't know how to tell him that i've been taken over by the same old monster once again. i don't know how to tell him how scared i am whenever my muscles twitch from all the purging, or my vision blurs from the lack of food in my system. but in a month i go to college, and i know for a fact that if i don't start to get a grip on this bullshit now, i'm going to absolutely fly out of control when i'm on my own. 

i have to figure out how to tell him. how to ask him for help. how to let myself be vulnerable around him. i know i can trust him, i trust him with my life. but telling him i've relapsed? that's a difficult task.



  1. I'm sorry hon. I haven't told my hubby and I know I need to because I'm going downhill fast. Good luck, love! Be safe!

  2. I love that song, BMTH rocks my socks. I'm really sorry about the relapse. I too am going off to school in about 5 weeks, and I have a feeling instead of gaining the freshmen 15, I might go crazy and see how much I can lose in 4 months..

    Good luck with dealing with it hon, I know it can be tough. Take care though :)

  3. Hey, I'm sorry you're feeling so awful. I hope you find the courage to speak to Drew soon. If you're looking for a path to recovery, maybe you should also think about talking to a doctor? It sounds like you are feeling as though everything will start to get better when you can just tell Drew what's going on, and yeah I think it would make you feel much better and that's a great start, but however wonderful a person he is he's not a professional. It might unbalance your relationship with him and put a strain on him if you look only to him for support to get you through this because that would probably be really hard on him no matter how much he loves you. Good luck getting through this hard patch, my thoughts are with you. xxx

  4. Hi there, I've been reading from the shadows for a while, but this post prompted a blog post of my own. I linked to your site, so I figure it's only fair I give you a link to mine: Good luck.

  5. It may be the hardest thing you do, but it may be the best way to save your life.

    Get some reigns on this beast NOW, before it eats you alive at college.

    Love you <3

  6. I love that song. It fits EDs so well...
    I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time, and i can understand how it's even harder to tell someone that you're having that hard time. Telling people, or even just having people find out on their own, about my ED was always the hardest thing for me. Usually they just found out on their own because i couldn't tell them. *hugs* I hope you have more courage than i do. Tell him! Get the help you need before it really really hurts you even more.

  7. Ana's path might not be for everyone. You probably don't have the self-esteem to handle it right now. God, I sound horrible and I feel horrible for saying that. Love yourself, be ana, but dont kill yourself over beauty. You have someone who loves you AND accepts you. It's what all ana followers want and you have it. My advice is to hint at it with him. Like "Oh, I'm so hungry but I dont feel right eating" or "I cant believe I havent eaten all day"(even though you probably havent eaten anything for 4 days).

    Control is THIN.xoxoxoxo


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