Friday, July 29, 2011

youtube findings

i found a couple things on youtube tonight that i just thought i'd share. first is this song, brought me straight to fucking tears. one of the singers in the band wrote it for his girlfriend who struggled with eating disorders and depression. if you pay attention to the lyrics, it really hits home for us anas. it's just one of those songs that you wish a guy would sing to you.

next, i don't know if you've seen this video before because it's pretty popular, but i just found it today. this girl is ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS, and i just loved her story. she's so relateable, it's nice not to feel so alone. and somehow, listening to her talk about how little she ate, how good the hunger felt, just started pulling me even farther back into ana. as of tonight, part of me just wants to lay low for the next few weeks, and then stop eating again when i go to school. meanwhile, the recovery side of me says, "you're going to spin out of fucking control. you have to tell andrew, so he can keep tabs on you. you're going to make a wreck of yourself." anyways, i'm rambling...

this last one is just for the fuck of it, because i'm obsessed with this song. this chick is SO badass. i wanna learn how to rap now!

well, that's all for now, ladies. i'll be back in a few days after most likely fattening up on my 3 day vacation. 3 days with no cigarettes, no weed (mind you i've only had one sober day in the past 2 weeks, and usually smoke multiple times a day), and no chances to purge. fml. i'm pretty sure i'm going vegetarian again. fuck it.

good night!

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

bitch, gtfo, HEY!



my friend brought her, without giving me any form of a head's up. i was shaking with anger and holding back tears as i made her stupid fucking sandwich.

then, guess who shows up?


if i wasn't on the clock, shit would've gone down. but i had to keep my cool, and i didn't say a word. apparently, neither did he. he told his friend that he wasn't going to hug her or anything, and then blatently ignored her the rest of the night. looks like chaos was avoided for now.

but it killed me when he asked if i'd eaten and i said no. when i flat out told him i wasn't going to eat the rest of the night and he just kept saying, "but you gotta eat," still concerned even though he was drunk. and after all that, i still locked myself behind that bathroom door, unleashing my nightly silent screams.

my stomach hurts. my throat hurts. she's skinnier than me. everything hurts.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

chelsea smile

"it sits in silence, eats away at me
it feeds like cancer, this guilt could fill a fucking sea
pulling teeth, wolves at my door
now falling and failing is all I know
this disease is getting worse.
i counted my blessings, now i'll count this curse
the only thing i really know: i can't sleep at night
i'm buried and breathing in regret..."
-Bring Me The Horizon, "Chelsea Smile"

i just keep coming closer and closer to breaking down. spilling my guts to drew (pardon the irony). sometimes when i'm around him i just feel those tears waiting behind my eyes to spill out when i finally have the courage to let the word leave my lips: help.

i need help. i need him to know that i've relapsed to the point that it's beyond my control. it didn't take any time at all for me to find myself in just as big of a mess as before. every second of the day, all i can think about is foodfoodfoodfoodfood. meanwhile, voices inside are screaming: fat fucking bitch. lardass. fatfatfatfatfat. everything that passes through my lips winds up in the toilet shortly after. every time i take a shower, more chunks of hair fall down the drain.

i don't know how to tell him that i've been taken over by the same old monster once again. i don't know how to tell him how scared i am whenever my muscles twitch from all the purging, or my vision blurs from the lack of food in my system. but in a month i go to college, and i know for a fact that if i don't start to get a grip on this bullshit now, i'm going to absolutely fly out of control when i'm on my own. 

i have to figure out how to tell him. how to ask him for help. how to let myself be vulnerable around him. i know i can trust him, i trust him with my life. but telling him i've relapsed? that's a difficult task.


Friday, July 8, 2011

dear food: FUCK YOU and goodnight.

i can't do this anymore. i cannot handle eating like a normal person, all the homecooked meals and fast food and fucking shit. screw normality. i want beauty. i want to get rid of this "recovery weight." i won't starve, i won't purge, but i'm sure as SHIT going to start dieting again.

my current plan is to eat 300 calories on days that i work (6" sandwiches are all around 300 cals, i'm not gonna be SUPER strict with it, so i don't get too obsessive), 100 cals days that i don't work, and allow myself one day a week of 500-800cals. i'll also be exercising a healthy 30 minutes daily, i've found some cool workout videos on youtube and cleaned off the treadmill upstairs.

i'm not starving. i'm not restricting. i'm dieting. eating light. there's nothing wrong with that, right?

i just wanna be beautiful. i just want to stop feeling so disgusted with myself. i'm done crying over cupcakes.


P.S.: drew and i are doing fantastic now, i've forgiven him and he's made it clear that if there were ever a choice, he would choose me over lyssa. i'm not worried about that anymore, and it's such a relief. now that that's out of our way, i'm trying to be more open with him about my eating issues. it's a slow process, but hell, it's tough to talk about.