i was finally at the point that i was content with myself. 133lbs was okay with me. but when my clothes started getting tighter as i started to actually eat again, i couldn't handle it. once i saw 142.5lbs on the scale, i lost it. i completely fell back into that disordered hole. went days without food. ate hardly anything on the days that i did eat. i couldn't stand food anymore. i feared it. i feared gaining weight like never before.
i didn't know what was tearing me apart more, the guilt i felt about eating, or the guilt i felt that drew didn't know. eventually, i knew i had to tell him. and when he glanced at a text i sent to a friend about it, he made me spit it out, kept asking what was wrong. i couldn't even look in his eyes when i told him, "i've been having trouble eating lately." he just sighed and wrapped me in such a tight hug, asked me why. i told him i'd been feeling self conscious and shit. when i asked him if he was mad, he said "no, just sad." i felt awful...
we still haven't had a full-blown conversation, just snippets here and there when it gets brought up. "you gotta eat," his new catchphrase. he tells me i'm beautiful just the way i am, that he "doesn't give a shit" that i've gained weight. i can just tell by the way he acts and talks when the subject comes up that he cares about me so much... it's the only thing keeping me from complete starvation.
it just still kills me seeing all these skinny gorgeous girls everywhere, wanting to live that dream so badly, knowing exactly how to get there but also knowing that i CAN'T do that to drew, to myself.
i hate my body. but i love him with all my heart. the choice is easy, but ana is so hard to fight. so fucking hard. and i don't even know how to begin to explain to him just how hard it is.
P.S.: btw, thanks to everyone who's been standing up to anony-BITCH. you wanna expose me? go right fucking ahead. i dare you. you're all talk and you haven't done a damn thing, even though you've known about this blog for months. i'm not scared of you.