Monday, June 13, 2011

relapse

i was finally at the point that i was content with myself. 133lbs was okay with me. but when my clothes started getting tighter as i started to actually eat again, i couldn't handle it. once i saw 142.5lbs on the scale, i lost it. i completely fell back into that disordered hole. went days without food. ate hardly anything on the days that i did eat. i couldn't stand food anymore. i feared it. i feared gaining weight like never before.

i didn't know what was tearing me apart more, the guilt i felt about eating, or the guilt i felt that drew didn't know. eventually, i knew i had to tell him. and when he glanced at a text i sent to a friend about it, he made me spit it out, kept asking what was wrong. i couldn't even look in his eyes when i told him, "i've been having trouble eating lately." he just sighed and wrapped me in such a tight hug, asked me why. i told him i'd been feeling self conscious and shit. when i asked him if he was mad, he said "no, just sad." i felt awful...

we still haven't had a full-blown conversation, just snippets here and there when it gets brought up. "you gotta eat," his new catchphrase. he tells me i'm beautiful just the way i am, that he "doesn't give a shit" that i've gained weight. i can just tell by the way he acts and talks when the subject comes up that he cares about me so much... it's the only thing keeping me from complete starvation.

it just still kills me seeing all these skinny gorgeous girls everywhere, wanting to live that dream so badly, knowing exactly how to get there but also knowing that i CAN'T do that to drew, to myself.

i hate my body. but i love him with all my heart. the choice is easy, but ana is so hard to fight. so fucking hard. and i don't even know how to begin to explain to him just how hard it is.

xoxoSammioxox

P.S.: btw, thanks to everyone who's been standing up to anony-BITCH. you wanna expose me? go right fucking ahead. i dare you. you're all talk and you haven't done a damn thing, even though you've known about this blog for months. i'm not scared of you.

8 comments:

  1. Oh sweetie. Life gives us shit, but we all get through it somehow. It's really good that Drew is sticking by you though. I hope everything gets better though.

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  2. ive done this so many times :( you can beat this..you are better than all of this. and with drew at your side, you really are unstoppable. naybe your body was meant to be 142lbs, i think you look amazing

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  3. well he sounds like hes being a sweeti :) stay strong girl (trust me ik how the weight prob sits on u we hav similar stats) . xoxo good luck 2 u luv

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  4. "but when my clothes started getting tighter as i started to actually eat again, i couldn't handle it." I SO KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN :((

    hang in there. at least you have somebody physically there who loves you. if it's any consolation, you're not alone.

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  5. You're really lucky to have someone to care so much about you, I know what its like to be torn between trying to please someone, and trying to please yourself, but just think how happy you are with him....it must be worth it.

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  6. You can beat this shit, relapsing is part of recovery I think. You don't learn to ride a bike without falling off, right? YOU CAN DO IT!!

    Lol, anony-bitch ay? Sounds like there are a few good laughs hidden in the comment section. Gonna go back and have a squiz.

    Hope you have a good day tomorrow <3

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  7. i love your blog, its just.... unique and so beautiful! x

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