Tuesday, June 21, 2011

reflections

have you ever just looked back, and realized how fucking insane you used to be?

i've gotten some texts recently from old ana buddies. these people used to be my best friends. i used to talk to them every day, all day long. but after going so long without talking to any of them at all, hearing those typical comments, the willyoufastwithme's and the ihaven'teateninsixdays's, asking me for advice to get out of meals or asking me to teach them to purge, it wasn't the same. in some cases, i was almost ashamed to say i had chosen recovery. i felt like an outsider.

and from the outside looking in, i realize how utterly fucked up i was when i was in the depths of my disorder.

i still have the same fear of food, the urges to purge, the constant worrying over my weight. but i think i've gotten to the point that i don't pride myself in those things, i don't see starvation as a sign of strength or discipline. just last night when i found myself watching thinspo videos on youtube, i felt ashamed. like some sex addict sneaking a peak at porn or something. it felt wrong to me. and when i see pictures of emaciated girls, i don't want to look like that anymore. i still want skinny, but not sick. i still crave the feeling of an empty stomach, but i don't want to fast. i'm at such an inbetween right now. i'm so lost. and i still have no idea how to talk to drew about it.

sometimes i wish he'd just ask. i wish he'd show some sign that he WANTS to know what's going on, that he wants me to open up to him. i don't think he's ignoring me, or that he doesn't care, i think he just doesn't know how to handle it. but there are nights when my stomach is growling and i just can't bring myself to eat, and i just want him to comfort me, to ask me why, to give me some sense of support so i don't have to recover completely on my own. we all know ana's strength over our minds. i'm really not sure if i'm strong enough to fight her alone.

how the hell do i talk to him about all this?

xoxoSammioxox

5 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you're struggling hunny. If you ever need to talk you can always text me... I will be here for you whether you're ana, recovered, or in between. No matter what. I promise.

    Much love hun. Stay strong.Think healthy. Live for you. Because you can, and because you deserve it.

    xxxblakexxx

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  2. I think I know how you feel, a little bit. Sometimes you just feel ashamed about being in recovery - or weak or embarrassed. Sometimes I look at thinspo and I want it all back. But sometimes I would do anything just to be healthy. It's definately hard.
    I can't help with the Drew situation - I've got no good advice for you there :(
    But keep working hard and looking after yourself and focus on getting healthy and living life to the fullest. It will all come.
    Love!

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  3. I feel this way too. Like I'm caught inbetween wanting to just accept my current weight and losing a whole lot more. It's a very tough place to be in. You're true friends will stick by you, no matter what you decide to do :)

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  4. This post hit home in a way very few posts manage to, I feel so lost at the moment, between what I want, what I used to want, and what I should want. I'm so confused toeing the line between illness and perfection, and continually confusing the two. Your thoughts echo my own. I hope you manage to make sense of your thoughts as they endlessly help me untangle mine. xx

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