Monday, June 27, 2011

"you should've known that word 'bout what you did with her would get back to me"

lyssa let my friend onto her facebook. he read every single one of her messages, including messages between her and drew. from when they were going out. from when they fucked. if i wasn't stoned out of my mind, i probably would have screamed. marched down to that slut's house and beaten her fucking face in. i KNOW that she was the one trying to talk him into fucking her. they hadn't even been together for a month.

but i just can't believe he lied. he swore he wouldn't do it.

at least when i confronted him, he didn't try to get out of it. he just fessed up and apologized, swore he would make it up to me. i forgive him, but now it's a matter of trying to forget. i don't think i'm going to be able to sleep with him for a really long time, cuz i know that all i would think about the whole time would be them fucking. doesn't matter cuz i'm grounded indefinately, but whatever. neither of us want our pasts to tear down our future.

i'm pretty sure that lyssa let my friend on her facebook on purpose, so that he would see that and tell me about it. but it looks like her plan failed, because it didn't turn me against him. all it did was make me break down and purge for the first time in weeks, and hate her even more.

i'd love to see her reaction if she found out that WE fucked while THEY were together.


Tuesday, June 21, 2011


have you ever just looked back, and realized how fucking insane you used to be?

i've gotten some texts recently from old ana buddies. these people used to be my best friends. i used to talk to them every day, all day long. but after going so long without talking to any of them at all, hearing those typical comments, the willyoufastwithme's and the ihaven'teateninsixdays's, asking me for advice to get out of meals or asking me to teach them to purge, it wasn't the same. in some cases, i was almost ashamed to say i had chosen recovery. i felt like an outsider.

and from the outside looking in, i realize how utterly fucked up i was when i was in the depths of my disorder.

i still have the same fear of food, the urges to purge, the constant worrying over my weight. but i think i've gotten to the point that i don't pride myself in those things, i don't see starvation as a sign of strength or discipline. just last night when i found myself watching thinspo videos on youtube, i felt ashamed. like some sex addict sneaking a peak at porn or something. it felt wrong to me. and when i see pictures of emaciated girls, i don't want to look like that anymore. i still want skinny, but not sick. i still crave the feeling of an empty stomach, but i don't want to fast. i'm at such an inbetween right now. i'm so lost. and i still have no idea how to talk to drew about it.

sometimes i wish he'd just ask. i wish he'd show some sign that he WANTS to know what's going on, that he wants me to open up to him. i don't think he's ignoring me, or that he doesn't care, i think he just doesn't know how to handle it. but there are nights when my stomach is growling and i just can't bring myself to eat, and i just want him to comfort me, to ask me why, to give me some sense of support so i don't have to recover completely on my own. we all know ana's strength over our minds. i'm really not sure if i'm strong enough to fight her alone.

how the hell do i talk to him about all this?


Monday, June 13, 2011


i was finally at the point that i was content with myself. 133lbs was okay with me. but when my clothes started getting tighter as i started to actually eat again, i couldn't handle it. once i saw 142.5lbs on the scale, i lost it. i completely fell back into that disordered hole. went days without food. ate hardly anything on the days that i did eat. i couldn't stand food anymore. i feared it. i feared gaining weight like never before.

i didn't know what was tearing me apart more, the guilt i felt about eating, or the guilt i felt that drew didn't know. eventually, i knew i had to tell him. and when he glanced at a text i sent to a friend about it, he made me spit it out, kept asking what was wrong. i couldn't even look in his eyes when i told him, "i've been having trouble eating lately." he just sighed and wrapped me in such a tight hug, asked me why. i told him i'd been feeling self conscious and shit. when i asked him if he was mad, he said "no, just sad." i felt awful...

we still haven't had a full-blown conversation, just snippets here and there when it gets brought up. "you gotta eat," his new catchphrase. he tells me i'm beautiful just the way i am, that he "doesn't give a shit" that i've gained weight. i can just tell by the way he acts and talks when the subject comes up that he cares about me so much... it's the only thing keeping me from complete starvation.

it just still kills me seeing all these skinny gorgeous girls everywhere, wanting to live that dream so badly, knowing exactly how to get there but also knowing that i CAN'T do that to drew, to myself.

i hate my body. but i love him with all my heart. the choice is easy, but ana is so hard to fight. so fucking hard. and i don't even know how to begin to explain to him just how hard it is.


P.S.: btw, thanks to everyone who's been standing up to anony-BITCH. you wanna expose me? go right fucking ahead. i dare you. you're all talk and you haven't done a damn thing, even though you've known about this blog for months. i'm not scared of you.