Tuesday, March 1, 2011

dear drew... again

she gets mad at you for the stupidest reasons. and you just sit there and take it. when i asked you, twice, why you put up with it, your only answer was, "i don't know." why do you stay with her when she treats you like this? it would be one thing if you were with someone else and they made you happy, but from what i've seen she's doing just the opposite. and i know, i KNOW i'm better for you than she is. everyone does. your friends even do. haven't you noticed them all complaining about her? haven't you noticed yourself doing it?

i hold back when i'm about to say something mean. when someone asked me today if i knew where you were, i almost said, "probably sucking lyssa's face." but i didn't. i can feel this anger pent up inside me and i just keep pushing it down. i don't let it show because i want to show you that i'm not like her. i don't start petty drama. i'm not jealous or controlling. but it kills me that the boy i'm in love with is with a girl who treats him like her puppet.

even you admitted, "i deserve better." you admitted that we've never gotten in a single fight. so why are you still gone? do you not think i'm better than her? if i'm not, what the hell am i? i feel like worthless trash and i miss kissing you...

i'm starting to think that maybe there's a reason why the only two people i've ever loved have left me for other people. maybe i wasn't meant for them. maybe i'm just not meant for anyone. maybe i wasn't meant to be here in the first place. maybe i should just leave and (here's the cliche) everyone would be better off without me.

if i could have just five minutes, just five fucking minutes with your arms around me... god it's all i want right now. more than the kisses or holding hands or hearing you call me "babe." more than anything. because when i'm in your arms it's the one place in this world that i feel safe. and right now i feel so fucking vulnerable. five minutes of safety could mean the world to me.

i wonder if you've noticed that i don't even take a bite at lunch anymore. that my jeans are loose again.

i wonder if you notice me at all anymore.

oh, wait, that's right. no one notices. i scream for help every way i know how. but no one gives a shit. no one listens.

maybe when i'm fucking gone, they'll wish they would've listened. i doubt you'd even miss me.

fuck it.

4 comments:

  1. No. Don't go. Our lives would definitely NOT be better without you.
    You've touched so many of our lives with your words, your openess and you heart.
    You are loved, you are, and you deserve to be heard. You yourself deserve to be treated better.
    You really are precious.
    Love Anafly
    xxx

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  2. No no no. Half a day away, half a world away, we're out here listening. Don't give up. You have hope, right? Even just a glimmer? We all need hope.
    Like Anafly said, you deserve better. None of this is your fault. I don't understand why both Molly and Drew have done this to you - but I'd guess that they're equally clueless. My opinion is that you need to talk to him - in-depth, serious type of talking. And maybe you need to tell him completely clearly what you are thinking, about the way he treats you. I think we can become so conditioned to conceal the truth that we don't realise that explaing our thoughts can often be the best way to deal with a situation. You need to let him know that you can't accept this grey ambiguity - because you have a right to live. And if he doesn't want to be a part of that, it's most definately his major loss, and you need to understand that he cannot control your life. I'm sure there is a stunning, amazing world out there, and I don't want anyone to miss it, waiting for something that might never happen.
    Saying that, I'm not at all condeming your relationship. I truely hope it works out for you, and that you can both be happy. I just don't want him to hurt you.
    <3

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  3. The work is not better off without you... Like others have said, we're here, listening, I am, and I'm half a world away. Drew is so much closer. Go talk to him. Not making drama. Just talking. Maybe.

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  4. I would miss you. :(

    I know it's hard, but keep going. You can do it. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live.

    Lots of love from this side of the world. <3

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