Tuesday, March 22, 2011

haitus

good news, i'm only half a pound above my lw as of this morning, and fasted today along with burning a metric fuckton of calories.

bad news, i think i'm taking a break. not from ana, just from blogging. on top of dealing with andrew, i've lost one of my best friends (alex), and my band director died this sunday. keep in mind, i've never dealt with a death before. i really just don't feel like doing anything. i don't even have the energy to smoke cigarettes, and that says a lot.

i'll be back when i'm feeling better. i just wanted to make myself type a quick post so you didn't think i was disappearing on you. i just don't have the energy right now.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, March 13, 2011

winning the game

well, if you've seen my facebook, you already know: i'm officially not a virgin anymore. it was... wow. 'nuf said.



i'm so fucking confused about drew. all of a sudden, today, he was acting beyond sweet. he said "i love you" at least ten times, if not more. he told me he wants to get a tattoo of lyrics from our song. he came in to see me at work (stoned off his ass, but still). yet he's still with lyssa. i really don't know what to make of everything.

running on nothing but coffee and a mountain dew today, and countless smokes at work. it's amazing how much starving and smoking keeps me level.

it's spring break, and my goal is to lose at least 5lbs. it. will. happen.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Monday, March 7, 2011

second best

i'm sorry i left you guys hanging after that depressing post... i'm here, i'm alive. i guess. this situation with drew just keeps getting more and more fucking complicated.

friday night, he told me he was probably going to break up with lyssa. i got my hopes up. my friend who i was with told me i was acting like a little kid who was just told he'd won a lifetime supply of candy and a trip to disneyland. but by the end of the night, he said he was undecided.

saturday we hung out, me, him, and a bunch of his friends. we were cuddling and holding hands in the back of his friends car. we got into tickle fights every five minutes. late that night, i was at work, and one of our friends texted me saying he was almost crying, because he's so torn between me and lyssa. sunday, he was still acting all depressed.

i really don't know what to do. apparently he's planning on having sex with her over spring break, but after all that flirting saturday? and flirting again today at lunch? god, just the thought of them doing that... it makes me wanna fall to pieces.

and there's two other guys thrown into the equation now. one of them wants to ask me out, but i keep telling him i don't want a relationship. i don't even see him that way anymore. this is the same guy who tried to ask me out the last time that me and drew broke up. the other guy... i think we've been flirting lately, but i can't tell if he's just being friendly. i have the tiniest bit of crush on him. i felt that little jolt in my chest when our hands brushed today...

i really don't know.

here's a link to a new vid, btw. check it out.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

dear drew... again

she gets mad at you for the stupidest reasons. and you just sit there and take it. when i asked you, twice, why you put up with it, your only answer was, "i don't know." why do you stay with her when she treats you like this? it would be one thing if you were with someone else and they made you happy, but from what i've seen she's doing just the opposite. and i know, i KNOW i'm better for you than she is. everyone does. your friends even do. haven't you noticed them all complaining about her? haven't you noticed yourself doing it?

i hold back when i'm about to say something mean. when someone asked me today if i knew where you were, i almost said, "probably sucking lyssa's face." but i didn't. i can feel this anger pent up inside me and i just keep pushing it down. i don't let it show because i want to show you that i'm not like her. i don't start petty drama. i'm not jealous or controlling. but it kills me that the boy i'm in love with is with a girl who treats him like her puppet.

even you admitted, "i deserve better." you admitted that we've never gotten in a single fight. so why are you still gone? do you not think i'm better than her? if i'm not, what the hell am i? i feel like worthless trash and i miss kissing you...

i'm starting to think that maybe there's a reason why the only two people i've ever loved have left me for other people. maybe i wasn't meant for them. maybe i'm just not meant for anyone. maybe i wasn't meant to be here in the first place. maybe i should just leave and (here's the cliche) everyone would be better off without me.

if i could have just five minutes, just five fucking minutes with your arms around me... god it's all i want right now. more than the kisses or holding hands or hearing you call me "babe." more than anything. because when i'm in your arms it's the one place in this world that i feel safe. and right now i feel so fucking vulnerable. five minutes of safety could mean the world to me.

i wonder if you've noticed that i don't even take a bite at lunch anymore. that my jeans are loose again.

i wonder if you notice me at all anymore.

oh, wait, that's right. no one notices. i scream for help every way i know how. but no one gives a shit. no one listens.

maybe when i'm fucking gone, they'll wish they would've listened. i doubt you'd even miss me.

fuck it.