today, at lunch, drew waved a piece of shredded lettuce in my face. "here's your lunch!" he teased. i laughed along, waved it away. outside, i made myself look normal. inside, i was frantic and torn. tellhimtellhimtellhimtellhimnikkiyouneedtotellhim. and after school, when we were sitting listening to my ipod, he put on "creep" by radiohead. the same thoughts went through my mind. i was freaking out on the phone with zack last night, debating and weighing, and obviously zack wants me to tell him. deep down, i know i need to. but i'm scared shitless. i'm not ready to give up ana. nowhere near ready. and i see my friend pixie almost lose her boyfriend over her eating disorder, and see alex and her boyfriend literally yelling at eachother at the lunch table over alex's food, and i just don't want to turn into that. i really don't know what to do.
on another note, molly came over today. one of the first things she said to me was "you look skinnier." she asked if i'd been eating and i said, "more than i used to." when she left, she gave me a hug and picked me up and said, "whoa, you're so light!" because she knows exactly how i got that way, i felt my own little sense of revenge. at the same time, i was confused. because even though the numbers have gone down, i still feel as though i look just as fat as i did 15lbs ago.
only time will tell.
stay strong, think thin, live ana