Tuesday, February 8, 2011

"well, pretty will swallow you forever."

today, at lunch, drew waved a piece of shredded lettuce in my face. "here's your lunch!" he teased. i laughed along, waved it away. outside, i made myself look normal. inside, i was frantic and torn. tellhimtellhimtellhimtellhimnikkiyouneedtotellhim. and after school, when we were sitting listening to my ipod, he put on "creep" by radiohead. the same thoughts went through my mind. i was freaking out on the phone with zack last night, debating and weighing, and obviously zack wants me to tell him. deep down, i know i need to. but i'm scared shitless. i'm not ready to give up ana. nowhere near ready. and i see my friend pixie almost lose her boyfriend over her eating disorder, and see alex and her boyfriend literally yelling at eachother at the lunch table over alex's food, and i just don't want to turn into that. i really don't know what to do.

on another note, molly came over today. one of the first things she said to me was "you look skinnier." she asked if i'd been eating and i said, "more than i used to." when she left, she gave me a hug and picked me up and said, "whoa, you're so light!" because she knows exactly how i got that way, i felt my own little sense of revenge. at the same time, i was confused. because even though the numbers have gone down, i still feel as though i look just as fat as i did 15lbs ago.

only time will tell.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

2 comments:

  1. Awww yay! It's good to get recognition. Drew is going to figure it out anyway eventually. It just depends whether you'd eater tell him than him figure it out. But sounds like he is starting to guess anyway. Ana is hard to manage with parteners. Someimes it helps to say that you are trying to get better but you need them to not push you to eat cause you'll panic and go the other way.

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  2. I've preffered not telling people about my eating when I'm in a relationship but I've never been in a serious relationships.
    He sounds like a smart guy so he will probably pick it up soon... if you tell him it may bring you both closer but you too could become like the couples you mentioned. It's really hard to tell but do what your head and heart agree on.

    Recognition is always great when it comes to weight :)

    Love Anafly
    xxx

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