wednesday, drew told me he wanted to take a break. he said he was starting to just see me as a friend and wanted to relight the spark. he swore this was the last time. i agreed to it. i asked him straight up if this had anything to do with lyssa. he told me it didn't.
thursday, i found out he lied. it was about lyssa the whole time. they're facebook official and everything. i couldn't believe it. i couldn't believe he lied. i couldn't believe he betrayed my trust like that. after everything else had already been overwhelming me, i hit the breaking point. actually, no, i didn't just hit it, i shot right through it like a fucking rocket. i threw up. i cut again. 15 times. 8 times on my wrist, 6 on my hips, and one on my leg. i don't even remember doing it. i just started and couldn't stop. at one point i saw the blue line of a tendon in one of the cuts on my wrist. i went back and dragged the scissors across it again, pressing as hard as i could, until i could feel it hit, tingling up my arm...
friday, drew asked me to go smoke with him before school. we walked off campus to our smoking spot. he kissed me again, a way of saying goodbye for now. he had put back on the bracelet i made him, saying it was a symbol that he was going to come back to me someday. i hid my wrist the whole time. at lunch, i was holding back tears. i didn't know whether to tell him about what i'd done the night before. i felt like i was keeping secrets from him. and really, i was. the guilt hurt so much. it still does. after school, he ended up telling me he still has feelings for me, they were never gone in the first place. his heart is torn between me and lyssa. he begged me to give him another chance in the future. i told him i didn't want to be a backup plan. i told him we'd have to see where things end up. i wasn't guaranteeing anything. as much as i wanted to say the opposite, say "yes, i love you, of course i'll wait for you!" i forced myself to do the right thing. i had to make it clear that he couldn't keep going back and forth.
i wish the boy would make up his mind.
i haven't eaten since wednesday except for the b/p episode. i don't plan on eating again anytime soon. i'm back down to 134, after i'd jumped up to 139 on monday. 5lbs in a week. obviously something's working. i'm not even trying. i just have no appetite. i have no interest in food. guess every cloud has a silver lining.
stay strong, think thin, live ana