Monday, February 28, 2011

sewn shut


well, i told drew today that i cut again. it was awful. he was dead silent the rest of lunch. when the bell rang, he grabbed his stuff and left without saying a word. i texted him a few minutes later, asking if he hated me. he said he didn't. he said he was just really upset. he said he couldn't help but blame himself. he was about to break down in the middle of class. i felt awful. "you promised me you'd never do that again. i know i've broken promises, but why'd you have to break this one?" he said. i felt terrible about it. but it was just the kick i needed to make sure i stop this now, because i did it last night too and felt like i was on the verge of a really bad relapse. by the end of the day, he was glad i told him instead of hiding it. but if i do it again, he said he might leave for good.

after today, i really don't know when i'm going to tell him about my disorders. i was so close to telling him before all this breakup bullshit started again. that's what the song is about that i posted. yes, this is me, and no, it is not an ana channel, so please leave ana and eating disorder related comments off my videos, i had to do a lot of thinking to decide whether to share my youtube videos with you guys.

i finally got my gma to start buying more fruits and veggies, and she's even going to buy me slimfast soon. until i get the slimfast i'm going to be on a celery and apple diet, probably more celery than anything else. i love negative cal foods.

lyssa's not quite a stick, but maybe if i were at least as skinny as her, drew would want me just a little bit more...

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

7 comments:

  1. You have such an amazing voice. That song is so beautiful, I want it on my ipod! Haha but seriously, you have a real talent.
    I really do hope that you stop cutting, it makes me sad when I hear that you do :/
    I hope you and Drew are going strong.
    Love Anafly
    xxx

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  2. Wow. Your song, really wow. It's really good. I"m sometimes skeptical when people are "Oohh listen to me sing", because sometimes can't. But you have a good voice and are really good at guitar. It almost reminds me of something old Avril Lavigne would do. Awesome job :)

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  3. Wow. Your song is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. And drew can't help blaming himself? Good, because if he wasn't such a douche it wouldn't have happened. He doesn't seem to realise his actions have consequences. Anyway, you are gorgeous, you sing beautifully and we love you.

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  4. You're a lovely girl. With a beautiful voice & amazing guitar skills. You have more going for you than most. Keep your head up & be the creator of your own destiny. Its in your hands, not any boys.

    <3Leena

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  5. That song is amazing and so beautiful. You're incredibly talented.I hope everything works out for you, you can do it just stay strong!

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  6. Wow! So talented!

    I hope things get better with your Beau, but if not, realize that you did the right telling him you're worth more than his flip-flopping.

    carrie

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  7. That song is really good! You are so good. Not just the singing, but the songwriting is amazing. You seem to be a beautiful, talented girl and you have so much to offer. You just don't see it!

    One day you will see that some silly boy is not worth it. Drew probably wants the other girl because she doesn't want him. If you back off you will see he will want you more. Guys always want what they cannot have, when you chase them they don't want you. That's why he wants the other girl. Let them chase you!

    And if, in the end, he doesn't want you after all, you are wayyyy too good to hang around waiting, to be the "Second choice". Be confident in what you have, how gorgeous you are at the weight you are at now, (are you kidding me? Years from now you will look back at your pictures from when you were younger and think, "Why did I EVER think I was fat!?!", you don't need to starve yourself!), and let them chase YOU.

    Don't ever give in for a guy (your eating, your cutting, it's not worth it!), a guy who truly loves you will love you for who you are, the way you are, and nothing else will matter.

    I've been reading anonymously for awhile, (I check back once in a while to "make sure you are okay"), but when I saw how beautiful and talented you really are from this video, I just had to comment.

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