Monday, February 28, 2011
well, i told drew today that i cut again. it was awful. he was dead silent the rest of lunch. when the bell rang, he grabbed his stuff and left without saying a word. i texted him a few minutes later, asking if he hated me. he said he didn't. he said he was just really upset. he said he couldn't help but blame himself. he was about to break down in the middle of class. i felt awful. "you promised me you'd never do that again. i know i've broken promises, but why'd you have to break this one?" he said. i felt terrible about it. but it was just the kick i needed to make sure i stop this now, because i did it last night too and felt like i was on the verge of a really bad relapse. by the end of the day, he was glad i told him instead of hiding it. but if i do it again, he said he might leave for good.
after today, i really don't know when i'm going to tell him about my disorders. i was so close to telling him before all this breakup bullshit started again. that's what the song is about that i posted. yes, this is me, and no, it is not an ana channel, so please leave ana and eating disorder related comments off my videos, i had to do a lot of thinking to decide whether to share my youtube videos with you guys.
i finally got my gma to start buying more fruits and veggies, and she's even going to buy me slimfast soon. until i get the slimfast i'm going to be on a celery and apple diet, probably more celery than anything else. i love negative cal foods.
lyssa's not quite a stick, but maybe if i were at least as skinny as her, drew would want me just a little bit more...
stay strong, think thin, live ana
at 11:00 PM