Saturday, February 12, 2011

"i kinda want to be your first."

drew brought up sex last night. i couldn't believe it. he told me, "i kinda want to be your first."

my head's been running on overload ever since. on top of holding in telling him i love him until tonight, on top of the horrible guilt i've been feeling with him not knowing my disorders, i now have sex officially looming over my head. it's so complicated for me, because i've gone all the way before, but it was with a girl. i didn't have to worry about getting knocked up before. my doctor thinks i have polycystic ovarian disease, which fucks up your hormones and makes it very difficult to get pregnant, but i'm still paranoid. as impulsive as i am, new things make me nervous. i know that i want drew to be my first guy. i trust him so much. i'm just mildly terrified.

i told him that i wanted to, that i wanted him to be the first, but that i was kinda scared about it, and i told him my reasons why. i was scared after i said all that, but his response was incredible. he said it's completely up to me when we have sex, that we'll take the right precautions when the time comes, that he doesn't want to pressure me into anything i'm not ready for, and he was just so sweet about it.

me and molly never really talked about sex beforehand. for us, it felt more like curiosity about going further. the whole time we were together, i never really felt like we were making love. it was always just fucking for the sake of fucking. i have a feeling that it would mean more to drew, that things would be different with him. just out of him wanting to talk about it first and him being okay with waiting for me to think it through showed me that it means more. he knows how big of a deal it is.

i love that feeling of being taken care of. that's how i felt last night when he brought it up, when he said, "i kinda want to be your first." it's like i just wanna let go of everything and give it to him because i know he'll keep me safe.

i'm stuck. i want it, but i'm scared. i feel like such a stereotypical teenage girl. it's just, i've never had to think about this before. most girls are straight, they have from the time they hit puberty til the time they get physical with their boyfriend for the first time to think about it. me? i spent that time period dating a girl and not thinking about sex with guys at all. so now, all of a sudden, i have to think about all that at once. and jeezus, he's 15. i never really think about it, but now when i do, it's like, damn. a 15 year old is more experienced than me. so are most of his friends. so are most of my friends. he's 15 and i'm 17 and i'm acting like a little girl.

i wish i could just poke a hole in my head and pour out some of these thoughts, cuz my head is so full of them and i can't handle it... it's exhausting being so overwhelmed.

and i do remember my deal with myself. even if i want it, i can't have it until i'm in the 120s. could be difficult to get there once drew knows about my ed... gah! it's all tangled up.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

5 comments:

  1. Love your posts, very interesting.
    And it seems like Drew really loves you, but you have to know when you're most comfortable to do it.
    I hope everything turns out well - stay strong sweetie <3

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  2. Yay! I'm glad that you had the courage to tell him you fears - and that he was so sweet about it. That's so lovely.
    Good Luck - I'm sure everything will work out.
    Love!

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  3. Focus on your deal with yourself first. I'm sure the rest will fall neatly into place after that; it'll probably seem less scary when you're more comfortable about your own body.

    I'm glad he's not pushing you into doing anything you don't feel ready for. ;)

    *hugs*

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  4. Blimey! It's a good thing you got some thoughts out here, I can imagine the pressure would be making your head want to explode. And exploding heads aren't fun or easy to clean up *nodnod*

    IT'S PERFECTLY ALRIGHT TO ACT LIKE A TEENAGE GIRL!! You're only 19?!? You make me feel like a fucking nana! Revel in your under-20ness while you can :p

    Damn right it's scary. I always figured myself to be straight, and I was fucking PETRIFIED! All i can say is don't do anything until you're comfortable with the idea of it. Sex with someone who don't give a rats (My first) and sex with someone who wants to enjoy yourself (My second, third and fourth) are entirely different experiences! Drew sounds like a decent bloke and he'll be a right gentleman about things if he is :)

    Keep on being honest about it with him, it will help him immensely to know what's going on in your head in regards to sex with men. (Lol, no glove: no love. Accidents make babies!)

    Best of luck to you! *E-Hugs!*

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  5. Wow! Thats alot to think of. I know how you feel about younger people being more experinced(my 12year-old cousins). But do what makes you comfortable(not trying to cliche) and if you made a promise to yourself and really want to keep it than do it. Goodluck with your choice hon.

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