drew brought up sex last night. i couldn't believe it. he told me, "i kinda want to be your first."
my head's been running on overload ever since. on top of holding in telling him i love him until tonight, on top of the horrible guilt i've been feeling with him not knowing my disorders, i now have sex officially looming over my head. it's so complicated for me, because i've gone all the way before, but it was with a girl. i didn't have to worry about getting knocked up before. my doctor thinks i have polycystic ovarian disease, which fucks up your hormones and makes it very difficult to get pregnant, but i'm still paranoid. as impulsive as i am, new things make me nervous. i know that i want drew to be my first guy. i trust him so much. i'm just mildly terrified.
i told him that i wanted to, that i wanted him to be the first, but that i was kinda scared about it, and i told him my reasons why. i was scared after i said all that, but his response was incredible. he said it's completely up to me when we have sex, that we'll take the right precautions when the time comes, that he doesn't want to pressure me into anything i'm not ready for, and he was just so sweet about it.
me and molly never really talked about sex beforehand. for us, it felt more like curiosity about going further. the whole time we were together, i never really felt like we were making love. it was always just fucking for the sake of fucking. i have a feeling that it would mean more to drew, that things would be different with him. just out of him wanting to talk about it first and him being okay with waiting for me to think it through showed me that it means more. he knows how big of a deal it is.
i love that feeling of being taken care of. that's how i felt last night when he brought it up, when he said, "i kinda want to be your first." it's like i just wanna let go of everything and give it to him because i know he'll keep me safe.
i'm stuck. i want it, but i'm scared. i feel like such a stereotypical teenage girl. it's just, i've never had to think about this before. most girls are straight, they have from the time they hit puberty til the time they get physical with their boyfriend for the first time to think about it. me? i spent that time period dating a girl and not thinking about sex with guys at all. so now, all of a sudden, i have to think about all that at once. and jeezus, he's 15. i never really think about it, but now when i do, it's like, damn. a 15 year old is more experienced than me. so are most of his friends. so are most of my friends. he's 15 and i'm 17 and i'm acting like a little girl.
i wish i could just poke a hole in my head and pour out some of these thoughts, cuz my head is so full of them and i can't handle it... it's exhausting being so overwhelmed.
and i do remember my deal with myself. even if i want it, i can't have it until i'm in the 120s. could be difficult to get there once drew knows about my ed... gah! it's all tangled up.
stay strong, think thin, live ana