i don't know if you'll ever see this. but there are so many thoughts just racing through my head right now. you did your best to make it hurt less but you still left so many questions unanswered. mainly, why her? what does she have that i don't? that's so cliche, but hell, my life has become a fucking taylor swift song, so what else could i expect? do you really want to date her more than you want to be with me? you told me you loved me... is it just curiosity? you liked her for so long, i find myself thinking maybe you just don't want to live your life always wondering what could have been. or are your feelings for her actually stronger than they are for me? you said i made you happiest, what changed? i know you don't want to lose her, but why do you seem less devastated at losing us? just a few nights ago when you left the first time, you said you couldn't sleep. that you felt like half of you was missing. how does it not feel the same this time? you say i'm gorgeous, you say your heart still belongs to me, you swear you're coming back, but i still don't fully understand why you had to leave in the first place. things were perfect. finally really perfect. i felt like we were going somewhere. but then she came along and tore us off that path before we even knew what was on the other side... i'm still faling in love with you. i still know in my heart that i want you to be the first person i truely make love to. i still know you're right for me and this is fate andwe're right for eachother and i thought you felt the same so dammit why her? why aren't i enough? i would do anything, ANYTHING to make you stay. i was going to tell you everything and now i'm scared that if i do it's just going to make you stay away. hiding things from you is hard, and now you want to hide something from the world together. i'm good at keeping secrets, but it's a lot of pressure. god, i'm scared i'm going to fall in love with you before you're mine again. i'm scared i'm going to feel it and it's going to slip from between my lips and you're just going to think i'm saying it because i want you back when really it'll be the first time i say it to someone and actually mean it. maybe i'm in love with you already and i'm just scared of it and pushing it away. i miss your voice... and god i'd give anything to be in your arms right now because it's the only place i feel safe and i'm just scared of everything now. i wish everything didn't have to get so complicated. this tears me up inside. it's like i don't know whether to be happy with the little things you give me - the things you say and the promises you make and the kiss faces splattered all over your texts to me - or cry because i know you're not mine anymore. you're hers now and that hurts me. i act so strong, i put up my front and i guess i've just gotten so good at faking happiness that even you can't tell a difference. we shouldn't have to kiss in secret. i'm going to miss holding your hand on the way to class. i wonder what things you say to her. i wonder if you tell her the same things. i wonder if i'm special at all. i don't want to have to question it, but i do. what, exactly, am i to you?
i wrote this last night. since then, i've realized i'm in love with him, he's realized that she's manipulated him, but we're still stuck in the same mess. my stomach hurts.
stay strong, think thin, live ana