Sunday, February 13, 2011

"cuz lovers dance when they're feelin' in love..."

well, this is what i looked like last night at the dance. 133lbs. haven't shown you guys pix in a while, so i thought this would be a good way to update. god i'm disgusting...

but it was a lot of fun. didn't eat all day before the dance, took pictures at drew's house, drove around with a couple of his friends and smoked a bowl before we went to the dance, left the dance early and went driving around to random places, told andrew i loved him in a mcdonald's parking lot, it was just a really great night.

all that turned around today. after lunch, i literally went in the bathroom, said "fuck this" out loud, and threw up for the first time in days. violently. i dry-heaved at least ten times before i allowed myself to stop. "the bullshit's over, nikki," a voice whispered in my head. "you're not eating anymore. not. any. more."

at work, some dumbass teenagers came in, and i heard one whisper to the other, "looks like someone could use a subway diet." then laughter. i felt my face get hot. more whispering. more giggling. holding back tears. when i told drew what happened, he said, "you're not fat, gorgeous." i almost poured it all out to him right then and there, so tempted to say, "but i feel like i am. all the time. and you wonder why i never eat." but i held it in. i didn't. i don't want to be stopped.

haven't eaten today. don't plan on eating tomorrow. or the rest of this week. i'm putting it off as far as possible. i don't care what andrew waves in my face at lunch. i will refuse.

fuck this shit. i'm fucking done with this.

stay strong, think thin, live ana


  1. Kids are so cruel. You don't need a subway diet, hun. Not at all.

    Love the collarbones. :)

  2. You look so beautiful! Those kids sound like idoits, you're lucky to have your boy to make it okay! <3

  3. Oh wow, you look stunning! I'm in love with that dress! And I'm really jealous of your calf muscles.
    And nevermind those kids, who cares about what they think anyway?! Stupid idiots.

    Stay strong and beautiful sweetie <3

  4. You look lovely, darling. I love your dress, your hair is cute, and if anyone called you fat, you can stomp all over them with those cute shoes. I know the stress and all could be getting to you, but just stop a second, light a bowl, and just chill. That's what I did tonight and it was the most relaxed I've been in a while. Screw annoying teenagers and their comments. They don't know you, so what the fuck does it matter. You're amazing hon :) Happy V-Day!

  5. your so pretty. you look awesome just ignore those lame dorks.

  6. Your collar bone is to DIE for you are gorgeous!! And look at how far you've come? Those assholes can shove the subway diet up their asses. YOu are gorgeous <3 stay stong

  7. U look Really pretty BTW can I steal ur shoes?


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