Sunday, February 13, 2011
"cuz lovers dance when they're feelin' in love..."
but it was a lot of fun. didn't eat all day before the dance, took pictures at drew's house, drove around with a couple of his friends and smoked a bowl before we went to the dance, left the dance early and went driving around to random places, told andrew i loved him in a mcdonald's parking lot, it was just a really great night.
all that turned around today. after lunch, i literally went in the bathroom, said "fuck this" out loud, and threw up for the first time in days. violently. i dry-heaved at least ten times before i allowed myself to stop. "the bullshit's over, nikki," a voice whispered in my head. "you're not eating anymore. not. any. more."
at work, some dumbass teenagers came in, and i heard one whisper to the other, "looks like someone could use a subway diet." then laughter. i felt my face get hot. more whispering. more giggling. holding back tears. when i told drew what happened, he said, "you're not fat, gorgeous." i almost poured it all out to him right then and there, so tempted to say, "but i feel like i am. all the time. and you wonder why i never eat." but i held it in. i didn't. i don't want to be stopped.
haven't eaten today. don't plan on eating tomorrow. or the rest of this week. i'm putting it off as far as possible. i don't care what andrew waves in my face at lunch. i will refuse.
fuck this shit. i'm fucking done with this.
stay strong, think thin, live ana
at 11:39 PM