Monday, February 28, 2011

sewn shut


well, i told drew today that i cut again. it was awful. he was dead silent the rest of lunch. when the bell rang, he grabbed his stuff and left without saying a word. i texted him a few minutes later, asking if he hated me. he said he didn't. he said he was just really upset. he said he couldn't help but blame himself. he was about to break down in the middle of class. i felt awful. "you promised me you'd never do that again. i know i've broken promises, but why'd you have to break this one?" he said. i felt terrible about it. but it was just the kick i needed to make sure i stop this now, because i did it last night too and felt like i was on the verge of a really bad relapse. by the end of the day, he was glad i told him instead of hiding it. but if i do it again, he said he might leave for good.

after today, i really don't know when i'm going to tell him about my disorders. i was so close to telling him before all this breakup bullshit started again. that's what the song is about that i posted. yes, this is me, and no, it is not an ana channel, so please leave ana and eating disorder related comments off my videos, i had to do a lot of thinking to decide whether to share my youtube videos with you guys.

i finally got my gma to start buying more fruits and veggies, and she's even going to buy me slimfast soon. until i get the slimfast i'm going to be on a celery and apple diet, probably more celery than anything else. i love negative cal foods.

lyssa's not quite a stick, but maybe if i were at least as skinny as her, drew would want me just a little bit more...

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, February 27, 2011

a week of hell

wednesday, drew told me he wanted to take a break. he said he was starting to just see me as a friend and wanted to relight the spark. he swore this was the last time. i agreed to it. i asked him straight up if this had anything to do with lyssa. he told me it didn't.

thursday, i found out he lied. it was about lyssa the whole time. they're facebook official and everything. i couldn't believe it. i couldn't believe he lied. i couldn't believe he betrayed my trust like that. after everything else had already been overwhelming me, i hit the breaking point. actually, no, i didn't just hit it, i shot right through it like a fucking rocket. i threw up. i cut again. 15 times. 8 times on my wrist, 6 on my hips, and one on my leg. i don't even remember doing it. i just started and couldn't stop. at one point i saw the blue line of a tendon in one of the cuts on my wrist. i went back and dragged the scissors across it again, pressing as hard as i could, until i could feel it hit, tingling up my arm...

friday, drew asked me to go smoke with him before school. we walked off campus to our smoking spot. he kissed me again, a way of saying goodbye for now. he had put back on the bracelet i made him, saying it was a symbol that he was going to come back to me someday. i hid my wrist the whole time. at lunch, i was holding back tears. i didn't know whether to tell him about what i'd done the night before. i felt like i was keeping secrets from him. and really, i was. the guilt hurt so much. it still does. after school, he ended up telling me he still has feelings for me, they were never gone in the first place. his heart is torn between me and lyssa. he begged me to give him another chance in the future. i told him i didn't want to be a backup plan. i told him we'd have to see where things end up. i wasn't guaranteeing anything. as much as i wanted to say the opposite, say "yes, i love you, of course i'll wait for you!" i forced myself to do the right thing. i had to make it clear that he couldn't keep going back and forth.

i wish the boy would make up his mind.

i haven't eaten since wednesday except for the b/p episode. i don't plan on eating again anytime soon. i'm back down to 134, after i'd jumped up to 139 on monday. 5lbs in a week. obviously something's working. i'm not even trying. i just have no appetite. i have no interest in food. guess every cloud has a silver lining.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

fuck fuck fuck

first i accidentally send a text to andrew saying, "i'm going on a liquid diet. exercising every day til i'm about to pass out. i'm fucking done. i want to be fucking skinny." i pulled it off saying it was a forward from a friend that i meant to send to zack. i was gonna tell him today, too. so much for that. i felt so bad, flat out lying. i still do.

so maybe that's why i deserved to log onto facebook and see that him and lyssa have been wall-posting eachother all day. i can't remember the last time he did that with me. he started one of those 30-day-challenge albums, listed 15 facts for the first picture, and one was "lyssa is my bestttt frienddd!!!" i wasn't mentioned at all. i wasn't even tagged. i don't know what to make of any of it. and i don't wanna confront him and end up looking like a controlling jealous psycho. i'm on the verge of tears right now.

on top of everything, molly decided to text me to tell me she still has feelings for me. i essentially told her to piss off, but yeah, just another thing loaded on my plate.

fuck this. i'm going to go vomit.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

weedspo wednesday!

i remembered! it takes a while to find good ones, cuz you can't just google "weedspo," so i'll just be uploading a few every week. eventually make a video. woot!

so, remember mrs. w? my psych teacher who i used to go talk to all the time and knows about my disorders? well i was feeling so depressed and overwhelmed today that i went to talk to her after school. i told her about the mood swings, the anxiety, the guilt over drew not knowing about my disorder, everything going on in my mind pretty much (not the sex part. even with her, the coolest teacher ever, just... no lol). she actually put things in a really different perspective.

as for my depression and anxiety, since it's untriggered and very physical as well as emotional, she thinks it's just my body being used to being depressed and anxious. even though it's been months since i was living in a stressful situation at my old house, my body still hasn't caught up and realized, "it's okay to be happy now! nothing bad is going on!" i'll give it a little more time to test this theory because it makes sense. but it really could go either way. did i become depressed and anxious because of my former situation, or did i develop depression and anxiety disorders because of my former situation?

and as for telling drew, she said my guilt was unnecessary. that he doesn't need to know. "he's your boyfriend, not your therapist," she said. i agree with that completely. i don't want his "help," i just feel like he should know, given as serious as we are. i told her this. and she told me the perfect way to tell him: "i want to tell you something because i don't want to hide it from you and i want to be straightforward, i don't want to talk about it, i have eating problems, i don't want you to worry about me, wanna go bowling friday?" i actually like that format. quick, simple, to the point, and then change the subject at the end. i'm still not sure exactly how or when i'm going to tell him, i still don't know for sure if i need to tell him before we have sex, but i think something along these lines would work pretty well.

i wrote this thingy earlier today that i was going to post, but it's depressing and i just feel too okay right now to post it lol. maybe later. enjoy the weedspo, ladies. haha i can't believe no ones started a weedspo movement before. what can i say, i'm a trendsetter. :D

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, February 13, 2011

"cuz lovers dance when they're feelin' in love..."

well, this is what i looked like last night at the dance. 133lbs. haven't shown you guys pix in a while, so i thought this would be a good way to update. god i'm disgusting...

but it was a lot of fun. didn't eat all day before the dance, took pictures at drew's house, drove around with a couple of his friends and smoked a bowl before we went to the dance, left the dance early and went driving around to random places, told andrew i loved him in a mcdonald's parking lot, it was just a really great night.

all that turned around today. after lunch, i literally went in the bathroom, said "fuck this" out loud, and threw up for the first time in days. violently. i dry-heaved at least ten times before i allowed myself to stop. "the bullshit's over, nikki," a voice whispered in my head. "you're not eating anymore. not. any. more."

at work, some dumbass teenagers came in, and i heard one whisper to the other, "looks like someone could use a subway diet." then laughter. i felt my face get hot. more whispering. more giggling. holding back tears. when i told drew what happened, he said, "you're not fat, gorgeous." i almost poured it all out to him right then and there, so tempted to say, "but i feel like i am. all the time. and you wonder why i never eat." but i held it in. i didn't. i don't want to be stopped.

haven't eaten today. don't plan on eating tomorrow. or the rest of this week. i'm putting it off as far as possible. i don't care what andrew waves in my face at lunch. i will refuse.

fuck this shit. i'm fucking done with this.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Saturday, February 12, 2011

"i kinda want to be your first."

drew brought up sex last night. i couldn't believe it. he told me, "i kinda want to be your first."

my head's been running on overload ever since. on top of holding in telling him i love him until tonight, on top of the horrible guilt i've been feeling with him not knowing my disorders, i now have sex officially looming over my head. it's so complicated for me, because i've gone all the way before, but it was with a girl. i didn't have to worry about getting knocked up before. my doctor thinks i have polycystic ovarian disease, which fucks up your hormones and makes it very difficult to get pregnant, but i'm still paranoid. as impulsive as i am, new things make me nervous. i know that i want drew to be my first guy. i trust him so much. i'm just mildly terrified.

i told him that i wanted to, that i wanted him to be the first, but that i was kinda scared about it, and i told him my reasons why. i was scared after i said all that, but his response was incredible. he said it's completely up to me when we have sex, that we'll take the right precautions when the time comes, that he doesn't want to pressure me into anything i'm not ready for, and he was just so sweet about it.

me and molly never really talked about sex beforehand. for us, it felt more like curiosity about going further. the whole time we were together, i never really felt like we were making love. it was always just fucking for the sake of fucking. i have a feeling that it would mean more to drew, that things would be different with him. just out of him wanting to talk about it first and him being okay with waiting for me to think it through showed me that it means more. he knows how big of a deal it is.

i love that feeling of being taken care of. that's how i felt last night when he brought it up, when he said, "i kinda want to be your first." it's like i just wanna let go of everything and give it to him because i know he'll keep me safe.

i'm stuck. i want it, but i'm scared. i feel like such a stereotypical teenage girl. it's just, i've never had to think about this before. most girls are straight, they have from the time they hit puberty til the time they get physical with their boyfriend for the first time to think about it. me? i spent that time period dating a girl and not thinking about sex with guys at all. so now, all of a sudden, i have to think about all that at once. and jeezus, he's 15. i never really think about it, but now when i do, it's like, damn. a 15 year old is more experienced than me. so are most of his friends. so are most of my friends. he's 15 and i'm 17 and i'm acting like a little girl.

i wish i could just poke a hole in my head and pour out some of these thoughts, cuz my head is so full of them and i can't handle it... it's exhausting being so overwhelmed.

and i do remember my deal with myself. even if i want it, i can't have it until i'm in the 120s. could be difficult to get there once drew knows about my ed... gah! it's all tangled up.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Thursday, February 10, 2011

don't you see these secrets screaming behind my eyes?

i'm holding it in. i'm holding it all in like a big hit of weed. every time i'm around him i feel pangs of guilt, and whenever i'm away from him it just comes in waves. at lunch, he dangles pieces of lettuce in front of my face. then shakes a chip bag in my face. pours out chips in front of me, expecting me to eat. puts a smoothie straw to my lips. i can't tell is he's just doing this accidentally, or if he's suspicious. as if he's not sure whether i'm going to eat more than what he sees me eat.

every time he tells me he loves me i just wanna say it back. but it's always over text and i wanna make it in person. so i'm going to tell him saturday. that's not as hard to tell him, but it's just added pressure inside my mind.

idk what to fucking do anymore. goddammit. if i weren't blazed as fuck right now i'd be having a breakdown.

SHIT! YESTERDAY WAS WEDNESDAY! It was supposed to be "weedspo wednesday." dammit... next week. fo shizzle. dammit and i was high yesterday too.

but yeah. this chick at work just out of the blue says she's got a blunt in the car and asks if i wanna smoke. i'm like, "hell yeah mother fucker!" so we did and then these people came in and got sandwiches and one of the guys put his fingers to his mouth and whispered, "did you two just toke it up?" hahahha. shit son.

love you :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

"well, pretty will swallow you forever."

today, at lunch, drew waved a piece of shredded lettuce in my face. "here's your lunch!" he teased. i laughed along, waved it away. outside, i made myself look normal. inside, i was frantic and torn. tellhimtellhimtellhimtellhimnikkiyouneedtotellhim. and after school, when we were sitting listening to my ipod, he put on "creep" by radiohead. the same thoughts went through my mind. i was freaking out on the phone with zack last night, debating and weighing, and obviously zack wants me to tell him. deep down, i know i need to. but i'm scared shitless. i'm not ready to give up ana. nowhere near ready. and i see my friend pixie almost lose her boyfriend over her eating disorder, and see alex and her boyfriend literally yelling at eachother at the lunch table over alex's food, and i just don't want to turn into that. i really don't know what to do.

on another note, molly came over today. one of the first things she said to me was "you look skinnier." she asked if i'd been eating and i said, "more than i used to." when she left, she gave me a hug and picked me up and said, "whoa, you're so light!" because she knows exactly how i got that way, i felt my own little sense of revenge. at the same time, i was confused. because even though the numbers have gone down, i still feel as though i look just as fat as i did 15lbs ago.

only time will tell.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, February 6, 2011

what a weekend


drew asked me back out :)

i don't know the exact details (his cell's been on the fritz so we haven't been able to talk very much this weekend), but apparently the other girl told him she wanted him to ask me back out. so we did. and everything's right again.

and thank god for that, because with all the other shit going on i might've really crashed and burned this weekend.



finally got to weigh myself this morning. still 133lbs. god dammit. it probably (certainly) has something to do with me eating a metric fuck ton of bread last night at a friend's house (we had garlic bread for dinner. for some reason, i allowed myself to eat as much as my friend did. ugh.). i didn't eat much today, just a small scoop of ice cream at daisy's birthday party (she's 1!!). and i worked a long shift, so i had to have burned a lot of calories. fuck, i need to get that damn battery for my scale! after eating nothing monday thru friday cuz of the whole thing with drew, i had to have been lower than 133 before the bread... gah, i'm rambling. my apologies. anyways, back to restricting under 300 cals this week, and working out whenever i have time.



had to deal with tina (my "mom") today, cuz of daisy's birthday party. after i'd been there a few minutes, she came up behind me saying, "do i get a hug?" not bothering to even look in her eyes, i said "no," and walked away. and did my best to hold in the laughter.

i'm such a bitch, but god, that felt good.

well, this post was pretty bipolar. but i've had a long weekend, running on 4 hours of sleep, and, well, yeah you get the point. lol. time for nikki to have her cigarette and go to bed. good night.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Thursday, February 3, 2011

dear drew


i don't know if you'll ever see this. but there are so many thoughts just racing through my head right now. you did your best to make it hurt less but you still left so many questions unanswered. mainly, why her? what does she have that i don't? that's so cliche, but hell, my life has become a fucking taylor swift song, so what else could i expect? do you really want to date her more than you want to be with me? you told me you loved me... is it just curiosity? you liked her for so long, i find myself thinking maybe you just don't want to live your life always wondering what could have been. or are your feelings for her actually stronger than they are for me? you said i made you happiest, what changed? i know you don't want to lose her, but why do you seem less devastated at losing us? just a few nights ago when you left the first time, you said you couldn't sleep. that you felt like half of you was missing. how does it not feel the same this time? you say i'm gorgeous, you say your heart still belongs to me, you swear you're coming back, but i still don't fully understand why you had to leave in the first place. things were perfect. finally really perfect. i felt like we were going somewhere. but then she came along and tore us off that path before we even knew what was on the other side... i'm still faling in love with you. i still know in my heart that i want you to be the first person i truely make love to. i still know you're right for me and this is fate andwe're right for eachother and i thought you felt the same so dammit why her? why aren't i enough? i would do anything, ANYTHING to make you stay. i was going to tell you everything and now i'm scared that if i do it's just going to make you stay away. hiding things from you is hard, and now you want to hide something from the world together. i'm good at keeping secrets, but it's a lot of pressure. god, i'm scared i'm going to fall in love with you before you're mine again. i'm scared i'm going to feel it and it's going to slip from between my lips and you're just going to think i'm saying it because i want you back when really it'll be the first time i say it to someone and actually mean it. maybe i'm in love with you already and i'm just scared of it and pushing it away. i miss your voice... and god i'd give anything to be in your arms right now because it's the only place i feel safe and i'm just scared of everything now. i wish everything didn't have to get so complicated. this tears me up inside. it's like i don't know whether to be happy with the little things you give me - the things you say and the promises you make and the kiss faces splattered all over your texts to me - or cry because i know you're not mine anymore. you're hers now and that hurts me. i act so strong, i put up my front and i guess i've just gotten so good at faking happiness that even you can't tell a difference. we shouldn't have to kiss in secret. i'm going to miss holding your hand on the way to class. i wonder what things you say to her. i wonder if you tell her the same things. i wonder if i'm special at all. i don't want to have to question it, but i do. what, exactly, am i to you?

i wrote this last night. since then, i've realized i'm in love with him, he's realized that she's manipulated him, but we're still stuck in the same mess. my stomach hurts.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

well, he made his decision


well he kinda picked both of us. i can't say much because there are people who read this blog that go to my school and know the people involved, and i've been sworn to secrecy for a lot of it. but i can tell you this: he's going out with her for a little while just to get her to calm the fuck down. he really wants to stay with me, but she's threatening to cut him out of her life completely if he doesn't pick her, and he doesn't wanna lose his best friend. he's promised he'll come back. he still talks to me as if we're going out, calling me "gorgeous" and putting :* faces all over his texts to me. the rest of it i can't tell a soul. we've put a LOT of trust into eachother. it's a good thing i'm the master of keeping secrets.

oh, and btw, guess who's 133.4lbs? THIS CHICK! new lw. fuck yeah. must've burned a shitton of cals at work last night. it's only my second day, and they let me stay til close, working 6 hours total. and no one cares if i smoke at work, even though i'm underage. can you say, "best job ever"?

life isn't perfect, but it's getting better.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox