Sunday, January 9, 2011

the worst and the best

yesterday was godawful. i mean really, really awful. i was supposed to have drew, alex and her boyfriend over for a fun double-date night. then drew's grandma wouldn't let him come over, so we changed it to just alex coming and spending the night. then she got the stomach flu. so i ended up spending the night alone. of course, i spent it alone at the worst timing possible. the depression started to hit in 6th period and got progressively worse. by late afternoon, i was sobbing for no reason and had a horrible urge to cut again. i had a full-blown panic attack before i finally calmed down. once i hit that low point, it was an hour that felt like days. and andrew knows nothing about the whole thing.

even though i wasn't at that super low point, i was still down for almost the rest of the night. my dad ordered each of us a pizza for dinner. i thought we were going to spend some time together since he was finally spending time at home for the evening and my grandparents were gone. sitting around, eating pizza, playing guitar hero. then when the pizzas got here, he just handed mine to me and said, "you eatin' downstairs, i guess?" and walked up the stairs. i'm fucking invisible to him. i ate the whole pizza. then threw the whole thing up.

i couldn't stand up. i sat on the floor of the bathroom and every time i tried to pull myself up my legs were just too weak. i was depressed and miserable and felt like shit. i texted zack, just telling him i was having a shitty day. when he asked why, i explained the depression, my dad, eating an entire pizza, throwing an entire pizza up without even thinking about it. he called me. talked to me for half an hour while i was sitting on that floor. "you're killing yourself from the inside out," he said, "and i just wish you could see that you're so much better than that. you're my best friend; i care about you so much." he said all these amazing things about me and it made me cry. i hate that i'm hurting him.

but at least he sees me. when you start to disappear, everyone sees.

i thought about it, and i realized that i hadn't digested anything since last saturday. 6 days. and i feel so much thinner. i wish i knew what i weighed. i feel so powerful. even today, i only had 2 pieces of thin crust pizza at drew's house.

on that note, about half an hour after said pizza dinner, drew's grandparents (he lives with them) left for the evening. and into his room we went. all that sexual tension that's been building up this week (have you ever sexted for 7 hours? i have!) was finally released, like when you let out a deep breath you've been holding in. it was scary, but exciting, nerve-wracking, but fun. i feel like it brought us closer. and even though i felt like i had no idea what the fuck i was doing (remember, i've only been physical with a guy ONE TIME, stupid dan), drew thought i was a pro. we didn't go all the way, far from that. he fingered me and went down on me and i gave him a handjob (i could tell he wanted a bj, but honestly, i'm terrified of that at the moment, i'm still getting used to the whole dick idea lol).

that wasn't the best part of the night tho. the moment i find my mind going back to most, the part that i was happiest, was just laying on the couch in his rec room together. we had our arms around eachother and i was just running my fingers through his hair. i felt warm, finally. my head was on his chest and i could hear his heart beating and our bodies molded perfectly together. and every once in a while he'd just say something sweet out of the blue. "i like you a lot." "you're amazing." "you have really pretty eyes." always with a smile. or i'd just look up at him randomly and he'd kiss me softly. in that moment, that small lapse of time, my world was perfect. everything was right.

i'm falling so fast. fast and hard. i've told him this, and he's said he's waiting to catch me at the bottom. i'm not there yet, but i just know that given a little time, it's going to happen. i'm falling in love with him.

this is something real.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

4 comments:

  1. Oh honey i am so happy for you that things with drew are going this amazing. He's going to catch you honey :) Don't worry he sounds amazing.

    On the other hand, the depression, the panic attack... Oh honey :( I wish icould give you a hug rightnow, I wish I could have been there so I could try and make things better.
    :(

    Please take care of yourself,
    Love, x

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  2. Thats so great whats going on with you and Drew! I wish you guys the best of luck and hope it works out great. About the depressoin I know its suck and I hate when it happens I'm soory you had it that bad honey. I hope ya feel better!

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  3. Honestly, Drew is the nicest guy like... ever! dont know anyone like that haha :)

    I hope you're okay honey :( I'm glad you had the mind to talk to someone, it helps I guess...
    I hope you get better though, I hate reading that you're in a bad place. :(
    <3
    xxx

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  4. OMFG!!! i'm soo happy for you!! I wish it could happen to me, i'm just in love with the idea of being in love!! I wish both of you soooo much luck <3

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