Sunday, January 9, 2011
the worst and the best
even though i wasn't at that super low point, i was still down for almost the rest of the night. my dad ordered each of us a pizza for dinner. i thought we were going to spend some time together since he was finally spending time at home for the evening and my grandparents were gone. sitting around, eating pizza, playing guitar hero. then when the pizzas got here, he just handed mine to me and said, "you eatin' downstairs, i guess?" and walked up the stairs. i'm fucking invisible to him. i ate the whole pizza. then threw the whole thing up.
i couldn't stand up. i sat on the floor of the bathroom and every time i tried to pull myself up my legs were just too weak. i was depressed and miserable and felt like shit. i texted zack, just telling him i was having a shitty day. when he asked why, i explained the depression, my dad, eating an entire pizza, throwing an entire pizza up without even thinking about it. he called me. talked to me for half an hour while i was sitting on that floor. "you're killing yourself from the inside out," he said, "and i just wish you could see that you're so much better than that. you're my best friend; i care about you so much." he said all these amazing things about me and it made me cry. i hate that i'm hurting him.
but at least he sees me. when you start to disappear, everyone sees.
i thought about it, and i realized that i hadn't digested anything since last saturday. 6 days. and i feel so much thinner. i wish i knew what i weighed. i feel so powerful. even today, i only had 2 pieces of thin crust pizza at drew's house.
i'm falling so fast. fast and hard. i've told him this, and he's said he's waiting to catch me at the bottom. i'm not there yet, but i just know that given a little time, it's going to happen. i'm falling in love with him.
this is something real.
stay strong, think thin, live ana
at 12:10 AM