Saturday, January 22, 2011

jumbled thoughts

a new frend spent the night last night. she opened up about her eatingdisorder past, so i opened up about mine. she went all pro recovery bullshit on me and it just annoyed the fuck out of me. when we went upstairs for foodd, i got a 100 calorie bag of diet popcorn. she put half of the gallon of ice cream into a bowl and topped it with whipped cream, sprinkles, fudge and chocolate syrup. i wanted to vomit. and i knew i was going to get bitched at later by one of my grandparents: "did you eat all the ice cream?"

no. fatso did.

drew and his little brother got caught stealing. he's grounded boyend belief. he got in a fist fight with his dad. the only way he has to contact me at all right now is through facebook if his little sister lets him borrow her ipod touch. the one thing that keeps me hapy, keeps me from falling back under that fucking water keeps getting taken away and its not fucking fair. if i could just get more time with him i know i'd fall in love with im cuz i'm so close. and i don't want to fucking drown again.

i'm so dizzy. fuck. i need to stop puking.

i have an irrational fear of feeling full. every time i'm full all i can think about is 'what if my stomach pops." and everytime i puke all i can think is "what if my esophogas ruptures? i don't want to die over a toilet." and drew. drew drew drew. before i puked a few minutes ago i found myself whispering 'i'm sorry" before i stuck my fingers down my throat. an apology he'll never hear.

everything. fuck.



  1. i needa stop puking too. blood worries me now. also, i love your cussing. it's endearing somehow. your friend's ice cream snack sounds disgusting. stay strong, babygirl, i hope you get to talk to your sweetie as much as you want&need to.

  2. I have friends like that too. I make a point to not hang out with them if food is involved.
    I love your blog dear. <3

  3. Fuck. Shit. Indeed. What are we doing to ourselves? And why don't we stop?
    I've no idea, it's mad, but hey that's just us. I apologise to my boyfriend to, though he'll never hear.


*** note: hater comments will be deleted ***