Sunday, January 2, 2011

I ♥ L.A.

shortly after the charter bus pulled out of the airport, i knew i wanted to move to L.A. just the brightness of the buildings, the smell of the air, the style of the clothes that everyone wears, it all felt like me. coffee and sunglasses and cool. skinnies everywhere. i felt like i belonged, like i was supposed to be there. it all just clicked. i fount myself thinking, "i could never get tired of these streets." i could see myself one of them: lanky and rockin' an L.A. look, coffee in one hand, cigarette in the other, strutting down the sidewalk like i owned this town. it's an incredible feeling, justknowing that a place is where you're meant to be. why was i born in some stupid missouri hicktown suburb when my heart belongs in los angeles?

the first day we went from L.A.X. to santa monica pier and spent the day shopping on the promenade and exploring the pier. i rode a roller coaster over the ocean and discovered a love for urban outfitters (if only i could afford to shop there all the time!). the next day we went to disneyland, and when we discovered that the haunted mansion ride was done up all nightmare before christmas for the holidays, me and my friend were in emokid heaven. wednesday we toured hollywood and beverly hills and stopped at the big chinese theatre where all the celebrities have their hand/footprints. then we went to help decorate the floats for the parade, glueing flowers and stuff, which sounds boring but was actually really cool. that night we went to a dinner show where i had a panic attack and threw up in the bathroom. thursday after doing a band show we had a dinner/dance party with another band. i got in a 6 person grinding chain and punched zack as hard as i could four times (cuz he's being a douschtool), burning a lot of cals and making myself feel a lot better. on friday, we went to universal studios, and i got to shop at the biggest hot topic i have ever seen.

then came saturday morning. the parade. we made it on tv. the crowds were all screaming for us. and even though i was dizzy as fuck and exhausted by the time we hit the 4-mile mark, it was one of the best experiences of my life. when you turn that first big corner and all you see are gigantic bleachers filled with thousands of cheering people and cameras EVERYWHERE and you're just playing your fucking heart out, it's something you never forget.

as for how ana felt on this trip... ugh. it turned out that zack and lizzy weren't the problem at all. it was my fucking willpower. i never ate breakfast, tried to nibble at meals, but part of me was nagging the whole time, "just enjoy yourself. for once. you're gonna fix it when you get back. this is your trip." a lot of the time, that side won. probably because i was so physically exhausted the whole time from being out and about all day and getting no sleep (or i'm just a fat sack of shit) (or both). and i had to have been burning tons of cals running around all day. god i hope so... me and alex are kicking off the new year with a liquid fast anyway. it's her first. lol. i'm such a bad influence.

the other problem on the trip was molly. she called while i was at disney. when i called her back later that night, she was crying her eyes out. saying she misses being friends blah blah etc. i didn't let her guilt me. i spun it all on her. i wasn't mean, but i was stern. and i didn't sugarcoat shit. i made it very clear that everything is on my terms now. i don't really know what i want. i don't need her anymore. i don't see a point. but i do have a conscience that's debating giving her one more chance. i need to talk to andrew, but i don't even know how to begin that conversation.

despite the bullshit along the way, and my depression and anxiety coming back, i really enjoyed the trip. and the bad parts only left me with that familiar, burning determination. that angry drive.

i. will. be. thin.

stay strong, think thin, live ana


  1. Wow, your trip sounds awesome! I've always wanted to go to LA (mainly cause that's my initials, but it sounds like a great city, too...).
    It's good to hear that you've been having a great time lately.
    But look after yourself, yeah?

  2. i'm just like you as well! I want to live in LA when I'm older, I hate being stuck in this rinky dink virginia town. the city is where I belong <3 I also suffer from panic attacks too. they stuck. stay strong <3

    xoxo zoey

  3. Glad you had a great time honey!! Your trip sounds wonderful, super cool so yeah, that's great!! you deserve to you know have fun and be normal every once in a while, you're tough enough on yourself as it is. Make sure you stay healthy :)

    Lovely to read your blog again :)
    You're strong hon,
    Love, x

  4. Wow, it sounds amazing =] what an awesome experience to play like that. On the food side... It was whatever it was, just take it one day at a time =] if that makes sense. I have no idea, I'm tired.


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