Tuesday, January 11, 2011

i just want to fly


katerina and i started ABC today. i got by with 420 cals. even with a little more food in my system than i'm used to, the depression is hitting again. ugh.

alex is pressuring me to tell drew everything. but we haven't had a serious conversation about our pasts or anything yet. we've dipped our feet in the water, venting to eachother about the little things, we talked a bit about my scars, but we haven't dove in to swim yet. alex has gone all pro-recovery because of her boyfriend. she actually had the nerve to say those classic lines to me, "just eat healthy and exercise." she of all people should know it isn't that simple. and it's easy for her. she quit once she got thin. me? there's still 32lbs between me and contentedness. apparently i can't go to her anymore.

she's made it pretty clear that if i don't tell andrew myself, she's going to do it for me. but how am i supposed to open up like that, expose my biggest secret, my hidden self, when he hasn't opened up to me hardly at all? just the other day, i found out that a few years ago his mother told him she was going to the store to buy some milk, and then never came back. i found this out from his friend; they were making jokes about it after he had to see her the other night.

if he asked me any question about anything, i wouldn't lie to him. he has the key that will unlock everything i keep shut away inside. all he has to do is put it in the lock and turn. but i doubt he even knows the key is in his hand.

and how will he react? i've left a poll up on golivewire.com (a teen support / anti-bordome forum) asking guys how they would react if they found out that their girlfriend or a girl they really liked had an eating disorder. 79% said they would stay with the girl. 11% said they would cut and run, and 8% said they would want to just be friends. where would drew lie?

he says he cares about me more than he's ever cared about any other girl. he calls me gorgeous and perfect countless times a day. he says he loves my body, simple as that. as much as this stuff warms me inside and makes me smile, i can't help but think, like the flyleaf lyrics, "how can you look at me when i can't stand myself?"

and if he knew me, the real me, would he ever see me the same? of course not.

another problem, i'm nowhere near wanting recovery. i'm very firmly set in my ways. my body, my choice. i'll feed it or starve it as i please. i've decided to try to cut back on purging, just because that puts so much wear and tear on my body (this is the first day since i got back from california that i haven't purged), and ana boot camp will actually have me eating more calories than i usually do. so less purging, wayyy less days of total starvation, is that enough of a comprimise? i mean fuck, just running on 420 calories i feel too full.

after all, i just want to fly.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

(P.S. yes, that is one of my drawings)

6 comments:

  1. oh hun, I hope you're doing okay. Just give yourself time to think about telling him and don't let anyone pressure you into it. Sometimes it's nice having the boyfriend know, at least when I'm really struggling. But I also could be so much closer to where I want to be without the pressure of keeping him sane.

    Much love dearie, you'll make the right choice for you.

    xxxblakexxx

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  2. I agree with Blake. Try not to let anyone pressure you into saying things you don't necessarily want people to know. Let her know that you will tell him when you're ready - there's no need to rush, right? If he asks, you'll tell him, so it's not as if you're keeping anything a total secret.
    Good Luck with stopping the purging. And try not to let that depression in - but I know how difficult it can be.
    I love your sketch, by the way. Sad, but kinda sweet. I like the subtle colours, very pretty.
    Hopefully you'll keep showing us a bit of your art, yeah? I'm quite excited to see it!
    (you want to check out some of mine, maybe?? http://looking-on-the-brighter-side.blogspot.com/2011/01/i-lot-of-school-work-to-do.html )

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  3. I love the drawing. =] don't feel like you have to run into telling drew. Just when it's right, and you want to, and feel comfortable.when you get to that point then I don't think it will phase him much. Good lick sweetie... Ad don't worryabout Alex. Good luck to her and your thing is your thing. <3

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  4. i love your drawing its gorgeous, and as for alex well... dont make her pressure you into doing something that could be life changing ( i mean more and more people will know. if youre ready to tell him then you should but if your doubting it... you should prob wait. i think its bitchy of her to threaten you like that, especially since your good friends. stay strong <3

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  5. I only told mine after we'd been dating over 5 years. I'd thought about telling him lots of times before that. At first I was afraid to tell him something so personal (and I was actually sort of embarrassed, at least about the purging). Then after awhile I felt like I couldn't tell him because he'd be angry that I hadn't told him earlier. So I just kept hiding it and occasionally worrying about telling him.

    But then I finally did tell him, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. He held me and I felt safe. And now that we've moved in together, he understands if I don't want certain food things in the house, or if I can't handle being in the kitchen when he's making certain things.

    But I guess I didn't tell him until I was ready for recovery.

    So there's pros and cons. If he handles it well (seems like most guys would, going by that poll?), it can be nice to have someone to reassure you when you're freaking out about stuff, and he'll probably be able to help you out when you're feeling down too, cause he'll understand it a bit better. But he might try to make you do it 'healthily' too, and if you're not ready for that, that could put a strain on things. Anyway, it should be something you do when you're ready and when you want to, not because someone else thinks you should.

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  6. Oh sweetie I'm going to miss you. I've been reading your blog for a while, and I just want you to know that you give me hope. You've helped me more than you could ever know and I hope that one day you can look in the mirror and feel as beautiful as you are. <3 Good luck I hope life treats you well and that you find complete happiness. Be you stay strong and don't let this world rip you apart. You are living your life; don't let anyone tell you how to live it.

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