katerina and i started ABC today. i got by with 420 cals. even with a little more food in my system than i'm used to, the depression is hitting again. ugh.
alex is pressuring me to tell drew everything. but we haven't had a serious conversation about our pasts or anything yet. we've dipped our feet in the water, venting to eachother about the little things, we talked a bit about my scars, but we haven't dove in to swim yet. alex has gone all pro-recovery because of her boyfriend. she actually had the nerve to say those classic lines to me, "just eat healthy and exercise." she of all people should know it isn't that simple. and it's easy for her. she quit once she got thin. me? there's still 32lbs between me and contentedness. apparently i can't go to her anymore.
she's made it pretty clear that if i don't tell andrew myself, she's going to do it for me. but how am i supposed to open up like that, expose my biggest secret, my hidden self, when he hasn't opened up to me hardly at all? just the other day, i found out that a few years ago his mother told him she was going to the store to buy some milk, and then never came back. i found this out from his friend; they were making jokes about it after he had to see her the other night.
if he asked me any question about anything, i wouldn't lie to him. he has the key that will unlock everything i keep shut away inside. all he has to do is put it in the lock and turn. but i doubt he even knows the key is in his hand.
and how will he react? i've left a poll up on golivewire.com (a teen support / anti-bordome forum) asking guys how they would react if they found out that their girlfriend or a girl they really liked had an eating disorder. 79% said they would stay with the girl. 11% said they would cut and run, and 8% said they would want to just be friends. where would drew lie?
he says he cares about me more than he's ever cared about any other girl. he calls me gorgeous and perfect countless times a day. he says he loves my body, simple as that. as much as this stuff warms me inside and makes me smile, i can't help but think, like the flyleaf lyrics, "how can you look at me when i can't stand myself?"
and if he knew me, the real me, would he ever see me the same? of course not.
another problem, i'm nowhere near wanting recovery. i'm very firmly set in my ways. my body, my choice. i'll feed it or starve it as i please. i've decided to try to cut back on purging, just because that puts so much wear and tear on my body (this is the first day since i got back from california that i haven't purged), and ana boot camp will actually have me eating more calories than i usually do. so less purging, wayyy less days of total starvation, is that enough of a comprimise? i mean fuck, just running on 420 calories i feel too full.
after all, i just want to fly.
stay strong, think thin, live ana
(P.S. yes, that is one of my drawings)