alex spent the night last night. i was expecting her to go all pro-recovery bullshit on me, expected her to give me a dirty look when i didn't eat much of dinner. but she didn't. she didn't exactly indulge herself either. when i excused myself to the bathroom a half hour after dinner, she said nothing, even though i know she heard the water running as soon as i shut the door. we ended up talking about our disorders, as we always do. she's not as pro-recovery as she makes herself out to be. she still fantasizes about thin. but she wants to eat "healthy" for austin. she hasn't thrown up in 3 months. in that sense, she is stronger than me. and she's still 114. we haven't hung out since the fall, and when she put on pajama shorts i noticed how fucking SKINNY her legs have gotten compared to the last time i saw them. her thighs no longer touch. she told me her hipbones stick out now when she stands, said, "look, feel them! there's no fat there at all!" i want that so badly... those are my two main concerns: for my thighs not to touch anymore, and for my hipbones to stick out. those two things, i want more than anything. those two things mean thin.
i've become addicted to marianas trench, this awesome band i discovered on youtube the other night. i downloaded almost all their music. they're amazing. the sound is great, the guy's voice is amazing, and the lyrics are so raw. a lot of the songs reflect the (male, mind you) lead singer's struggles with bulimia and anorexia. "i lock the door, turn the water on, and bury that sound, so no one hears anything anymore..." i strongly suggest you look them up. the best ana/mia related songs are "feeling small," "fix me," and "skin & bones." i'll have them on "Ana's Playlist" soon.
i'm going to see black swan today. i'm so effing excited. natalie portman is gorgeous, and such a thinspiration. she had to lose a bunch of weight and spend a year learning ballet, just for this movie. it's gotten so much hype, i just hope it lives up to the expectations. i think it will though. woot!
stay strong, think thin, live ana