Tuesday, January 18, 2011

"diamonds are made under pressure."

my gag reflex is destroyed and i can't breathe in without my teeth hurting. mia will be the death of me. i need to stop, but what other choice do i have? i can't just let dinner settle into my stomach, bubble and digest inside to turn into fat and stick under my skin. that's not an option. but i can feel the alternative wearing my body out. any day now i'm scared i'm going to see blood.

my family keeps making comments. i've been keeping the things i eat besides dinner to reach my cal count for abc (it's like my own variation of the diet, since i can't get out of dinner at all). but if i go up to grab a slice of bread, or an apple, or a few crackers, fucking ANYTHING, i get the third degree from someone. my grandma thinks i eat too much, when little does she know that the 2 snacks i eat each night are the only calories i'm digesting all day. my grandpa is constantly making fat jokes. and my dad gives me a dirty look if i so much as LOOK at a second roll at the dinner table (when it's all leaving my stomach anyway). i realize they don't know what's going on with me, but still. as far as they know, i used to be bulimic. and i have lost over 30lbs. a noticable amount. but it's not good enough. i'm never good enough.

drew told me he loved me last night. it completely blew me away. it's not a bad thing at all, i just wasn't expecting it. we've only been together for a month. and though i'm well on my way to that point with him, i'm not ready to say it yet. i told molly i loved her because she guilt tripped me into it, and looking back, i don't think i ever actually was in love with her, i was in love with being in a relationship. with drew, all the feelings are so much different. more real, more raw and powerful and almost tangible. it's just right. it's the beginnings of love, but not all the way there. the emotions are not the dilemma. the problem is: shouldn't someone who's in love with me deserve to know the whole truth about me? i've been feeling enough nagging in the back of my mind to tell him before this happened. now i feel almost obligated... i'm rather torn. i don't know what to do.

today at lunch i was eating crackers. exactly 8. 110 calories. i broke them up to pop the tiny pieces in my mouth one at a time, just one of my weird eating habits. he noticed. he teased. he might not make anything of it, but with time he might put the pieces together and ask why i eat so strangely, so little, etc. and i already know i'm not going to be able to lie to him.

i feel so many walls closing in on me. i'm not ready to give up ana. i'm nowhere near ready. i want thin. i want that coffee-cigarette-waif dream to become my reality. i want to ride the treadmill down to 105lbs. i want to starve out all the emotions pressed at the back of my throat. i want perfection.

i'm scared that that's all going to be taken away from me.

stay strong, think thin, live ana


  1. Sweetheart, it's going to get better in the end. I can promise that. Drew loves you. He's going to help you in whatever way he can. I'm sure that if you told him, he might even encourage you to work out and eat healthy. Maybe he'll do it WITH you. Look, all I know is that it WILL be okay in the end... if it's not okay... then it's not the end.

    And as for Mia, try just eating dinner, rather than purging it. And on days for ABC when you fast, go over to someone's house and chill.

    I'm here for you Nikki.

  2. Honey,
    things are rough and for us,things are even tougher than for anyone else, because no one understands. When you eat something, or when you pretend to eat as much as you can people call you fat. It's the most HURTING thing in the world to be called fat, while all we want is to be thin. Thin as a twig.

    As for the Mia.. All I can ask you is to take care of yourself and try and stay healthy, because you're amazing and I wouldn't want to somehow see you hurt in any way.

    The drew thing is hard, you feel like you need to tell him, I know you do. I feel the same. But what if you'll tell him isn't it? What will happen as soon as he knows..
    I bet though, that if he really loves you, and he's as great as you say he is, he'll at least ACCEPT you.
    He'll have to.

    Keep us updated,

    Love, x


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