Tuesday, January 18, 2011
"diamonds are made under pressure."
my gag reflex is destroyed and i can't breathe in without my teeth hurting. mia will be the death of me. i need to stop, but what other choice do i have? i can't just let dinner settle into my stomach, bubble and digest inside to turn into fat and stick under my skin. that's not an option. but i can feel the alternative wearing my body out. any day now i'm scared i'm going to see blood.
my family keeps making comments. i've been keeping the things i eat besides dinner to reach my cal count for abc (it's like my own variation of the diet, since i can't get out of dinner at all). but if i go up to grab a slice of bread, or an apple, or a few crackers, fucking ANYTHING, i get the third degree from someone. my grandma thinks i eat too much, when little does she know that the 2 snacks i eat each night are the only calories i'm digesting all day. my grandpa is constantly making fat jokes. and my dad gives me a dirty look if i so much as LOOK at a second roll at the dinner table (when it's all leaving my stomach anyway). i realize they don't know what's going on with me, but still. as far as they know, i used to be bulimic. and i have lost over 30lbs. a noticable amount. but it's not good enough. i'm never good enough.
drew told me he loved me last night. it completely blew me away. it's not a bad thing at all, i just wasn't expecting it. we've only been together for a month. and though i'm well on my way to that point with him, i'm not ready to say it yet. i told molly i loved her because she guilt tripped me into it, and looking back, i don't think i ever actually was in love with her, i was in love with being in a relationship. with drew, all the feelings are so much different. more real, more raw and powerful and almost tangible. it's just right. it's the beginnings of love, but not all the way there. the emotions are not the dilemma. the problem is: shouldn't someone who's in love with me deserve to know the whole truth about me? i've been feeling enough nagging in the back of my mind to tell him before this happened. now i feel almost obligated... i'm rather torn. i don't know what to do.
today at lunch i was eating crackers. exactly 8. 110 calories. i broke them up to pop the tiny pieces in my mouth one at a time, just one of my weird eating habits. he noticed. he teased. he might not make anything of it, but with time he might put the pieces together and ask why i eat so strangely, so little, etc. and i already know i'm not going to be able to lie to him.
i feel so many walls closing in on me. i'm not ready to give up ana. i'm nowhere near ready. i want thin. i want that coffee-cigarette-waif dream to become my reality. i want to ride the treadmill down to 105lbs. i want to starve out all the emotions pressed at the back of my throat. i want perfection.
i'm scared that that's all going to be taken away from me.
stay strong, think thin, live ana
at 9:02 PM