Thursday, January 27, 2011
dear mia: please leave me the fuck alone. you're killing me.
why can't i get this through my head? why do i insist on shoving my hands down my throat every single fucking night? why can't i find another way to get out of dinner's calories? my gag reflex is almost gone. its become more of a burden than a release. i miss the days that i didn't NEED mia, that she was a last resort just once in a while. now it's an addiction. i don't want it to kill me. but i'm so scared to stop. i'm so scared i'm going to end up having to eat dinner all the time and get even fatter and then i'll just want to hang myself anyway. but fuck, i mean when i danced to a 4-minute raver song a couple nights ago my chest hurt so bad i was seriously scared i'd finally fucked up my heart. i almost dialed 911.
and today, a panic attack in the bathroom after jumping up from alex's table. i'd just eaten a subway veggie sandwich that my grandma dropped off as a surprise when she brought something i forgot at home. veggies and bread. i had a panic attack over veggies and bread. if i would've just eaten that for the day, i would've been fine. but i freaked out. i'd seen zack just a few tables away, begging to catch his eyes because i knew how he would respond to the panic in mine. but he was too entranced in his girlfriend. and i guess alex was too entranced with her boyfriend because when i texted her from the bathroom stall and told her i was freaking out, she never came. and andrew? he doesn't know a damn thing.
after the sandwich came the ice cream party in group therapy, where alex coaxed me into eating. then got hit with a salad as soon as i got home, and later a damn shake from steak n shake. i was staying after school today til 5pm. i planned on fasting. but, of course, when i finally have an opportunity to fast, i just get bombarded with fucking food.
tomorrow is a new day. tomorrow means change. i'm dying my hair bleach blonde. saturday morning i start my new job (at subway, of course. oh, the irony.). then after work i'm hitting the treadmill with my new scene-raver music (click that link. your mind will be blown. video game music meets techno meets dance/hip-hop meets screamo. and the lyrics are all about sex.). i'm piercing my cartilage this weekend again, too. new me. new nikki. the only thing missing will be thin. and the new me's gonna get there this time. no more fuck ups. no more depending on mia. this time it's forreal. i just wanna be beautiful...
stay strong, think thin, live ana
at 10:28 PM