Thursday, January 27, 2011

dear mia: please leave me the fuck alone. you're killing me.

last night, i choked on my own vomit. for those of you who haven't started throwing up yet, i'm begging you not to start. because it's so addictive. and it's so entangling. i don't know how to get by without throwing up. and last night i choked on my own puke. all i can think about is how i could've become one of those fucking stereotyped cases; a girl found dead over a toilet. cause of death: aspiration due to self-induced vomiting. the epitaph reads: fuckup.

why can't i get this through my head? why do i insist on shoving my hands down my throat every single fucking night? why can't i find another way to get out of dinner's calories? my gag reflex is almost gone. its become more of a burden than a release. i miss the days that i didn't NEED mia, that she was a last resort just once in a while. now it's an addiction. i don't want it to kill me. but i'm so scared to stop. i'm so scared i'm going to end up having to eat dinner all the time and get even fatter and then i'll just want to hang myself anyway. but fuck, i mean when i danced to a 4-minute raver song a couple nights ago my chest hurt so bad i was seriously scared i'd finally fucked up my heart. i almost dialed 911.

and today, a panic attack in the bathroom after jumping up from alex's table. i'd just eaten a subway veggie sandwich that my grandma dropped off as a surprise when she brought something i forgot at home. veggies and bread. i had a panic attack over veggies and bread. if i would've just eaten that for the day, i would've been fine. but i freaked out. i'd seen zack just a few tables away, begging to catch his eyes because i knew how he would respond to the panic in mine. but he was too entranced in his girlfriend. and i guess alex was too entranced with her boyfriend because when i texted her from the bathroom stall and told her i was freaking out, she never came. and andrew? he doesn't know a damn thing.

after the sandwich came the ice cream party in group therapy, where alex coaxed me into eating. then got hit with a salad as soon as i got home, and later a damn shake from steak n shake. i was staying after school today til 5pm. i planned on fasting. but, of course, when i finally have an opportunity to fast, i just get bombarded with fucking food.

tomorrow is a new day. tomorrow means change. i'm dying my hair bleach blonde. saturday morning i start my new job (at subway, of course. oh, the irony.). then after work i'm hitting the treadmill with my new scene-raver music (click that link. your mind will be blown. video game music meets techno meets dance/hip-hop meets screamo. and the lyrics are all about sex.). i'm piercing my cartilage this weekend again, too. new me. new nikki. the only thing missing will be thin. and the new me's gonna get there this time. no more fuck ups. no more depending on mia. this time it's forreal. i just wanna be beautiful...

stay strong, think thin, live ana


  1. You'll get there hun! Don't worry! I can't wait to see pics of the new hair!!! =D <3!!

  2. Don't stress, everything will work out.
    Also, have you heard of dotdotcurve and brokencyde? They're pretty good, and like hip hop meats techno meets screamo.
    Just remember that you're already beautiful, whether you see it or not.

  3. I hope everything will work out for you. i dont know what you are goimg through but i can imagine. in my mind i wander. i have a way to use my mind and put myself in other peoples shoes, and i wish you didnt have to go through all this with ana. i put myself in your shoes the other night and the feelings were so intense i cried for help, even tho its you going thro this. i can not imagine what its like to feel that everyday. the only thing you can do is keep going. "Do, or do not. There is no 'try'."- yoda. Nikki i want to be a freind, you can talk to me. and i hope you do rather than do not. "Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by fighting back." - Paul Erdos. nikki your problem is worthy.

  4. Hey gorgeous. Panic attacks are awful. Your life goes on hold while everyone elses keeps going and it feels like they don't have time for you any more. I can tell you now they still care even though it's hard to see. I had panic attacks for a long time and I wouldn't wish them on anyone. I have no idea how to get rid of Mia. But all I can say is you can't get thin if you're dead so I'd put your health first there.

  5. oh my god. I love your blog it is so real and you have to read more!. anyway I just deleted my old blog and started fresh so have lost everything and everyone and i am now lonely as hell! do you think you could help? check it out. Its so sad going back and having no comments ect!.
    anyway itld be great to have your support XX

  6. Did nearly the same thing. I eat then i relize i can't purge it because how hard it would be to get it up

    I go tired of myself too, dyed my hair beach blonde (nightmare, but after 4 visits to the hairstylist I'm all good), and pierced my nose, and bought new clothes, changed my room, then finally mixed up my makeup a bit. :) It feels kinda good to not be the old me...


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