Monday, January 31, 2011

"it's me, or her."

drew's best friends with this girl. she's the kind of person who wants want she can't have, and needs drama in her life like oxygen and water. not a good combination. especially when she decides that she likes him, and decides to try to fuck up our whole relationship. after dealing with bullshit drama from her since last night, by the end of the schoolday today she'd told him he had to choose between being with me, or being friends with her. he's been crying on and off all day, i've been on the verge of a breakdown, when i tried to talk to alex she told me i'm "high maintenence" and essentially need to just flip a magic switch in my head and not be upset about anything ever again... everything is going to shit.

at least i got by without eating today. and burned hella calories during my 6 hour shift at work. at least i'm getting closer to thin. maybe if i were already skinny, he wouldn't have to be torn up about it. he'd choose me without a second thought. but no. i'm fat. fuckin' whatever.

this is why i have barely any friends who are girls. too much fuckin' bullshit drama. i hate it.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, January 30, 2011

mommy's anorexic

went to the skating rink with my dad and little sister yesterday (btw, flying around a skating rink running on empty? amazing.). apparently tina (my "mother") has stopped eating again. my little sister lauren said she's been writing down her weight loss on her mirror in lipstick. my dad said she's lost 42lbs. i asked lauren if tina's been eating, and she said, "not really."

there is no fucking way in hell i am going to let her get skinny before me. thank god i have a job now. i can go days without eating. at lunch, drew can just fucking deal with it.

as janice would say, "let's rock this bitch."

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Thursday, January 27, 2011

dear mia: please leave me the fuck alone. you're killing me.

last night, i choked on my own vomit. for those of you who haven't started throwing up yet, i'm begging you not to start. because it's so addictive. and it's so entangling. i don't know how to get by without throwing up. and last night i choked on my own puke. all i can think about is how i could've become one of those fucking stereotyped cases; a girl found dead over a toilet. cause of death: aspiration due to self-induced vomiting. the epitaph reads: fuckup.

why can't i get this through my head? why do i insist on shoving my hands down my throat every single fucking night? why can't i find another way to get out of dinner's calories? my gag reflex is almost gone. its become more of a burden than a release. i miss the days that i didn't NEED mia, that she was a last resort just once in a while. now it's an addiction. i don't want it to kill me. but i'm so scared to stop. i'm so scared i'm going to end up having to eat dinner all the time and get even fatter and then i'll just want to hang myself anyway. but fuck, i mean when i danced to a 4-minute raver song a couple nights ago my chest hurt so bad i was seriously scared i'd finally fucked up my heart. i almost dialed 911.

and today, a panic attack in the bathroom after jumping up from alex's table. i'd just eaten a subway veggie sandwich that my grandma dropped off as a surprise when she brought something i forgot at home. veggies and bread. i had a panic attack over veggies and bread. if i would've just eaten that for the day, i would've been fine. but i freaked out. i'd seen zack just a few tables away, begging to catch his eyes because i knew how he would respond to the panic in mine. but he was too entranced in his girlfriend. and i guess alex was too entranced with her boyfriend because when i texted her from the bathroom stall and told her i was freaking out, she never came. and andrew? he doesn't know a damn thing.

after the sandwich came the ice cream party in group therapy, where alex coaxed me into eating. then got hit with a salad as soon as i got home, and later a damn shake from steak n shake. i was staying after school today til 5pm. i planned on fasting. but, of course, when i finally have an opportunity to fast, i just get bombarded with fucking food.

tomorrow is a new day. tomorrow means change. i'm dying my hair bleach blonde. saturday morning i start my new job (at subway, of course. oh, the irony.). then after work i'm hitting the treadmill with my new scene-raver music (click that link. your mind will be blown. video game music meets techno meets dance/hip-hop meets screamo. and the lyrics are all about sex.). i'm piercing my cartilage this weekend again, too. new me. new nikki. the only thing missing will be thin. and the new me's gonna get there this time. no more fuck ups. no more depending on mia. this time it's forreal. i just wanna be beautiful...

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

ACCEPTED!!!, alex, and sexting ;)

just gotta say, I GOT INTO EDWARDSVILLE! WITH A SCHOLARSHIP THAT WILL COVER HALF MY TUITION! HOLY MOTHER OF SHITFUCK!!!!!!!!!

i had to mention that. :)

anyways, alex and i hung out for a couple hours today. she's skinny enough to pull off bright red and black plaid skinny jeans (i'm so effing jealous.). we sat in some person's driveway near school to smoke. naturally, we ended up talking about ana. she asked me if i'd told drew yet, and i told her that i hadn't, but i've mentioned things. when i told him the whole story with my mom, i included the phrase "food issues" within the 5 page text. he didn't directly respond to that. when he kept giving me shit for bringing a miniscule snack to lunch and always tearing my food into small pieces or taking small bites, i told him i have insecurities with my weight and eating in front of people. he told me he wouldn't joke about it anymore and was sorry even though i swore he didn't need to be (and he really didn't, i take no offense to people telling me i eat too little lol). and he told me he honestly doesn't think i'm fat. and, once again, if he ever directly asked me, i wouldn't lie to him.

it was nice confiding in alex. she understands the whole crying-in-the-bathroom-saying-sorry-to-your-boyfriend-even-though-he-isn't-there-and-doesn't-know-right-before-you-stick-a-finger-down-your-throat-and-puke-your-guts-out-even-though-you-feel-so-guilty-about-it thing. she says she's been slipping up, eating only a yogurt and some carrots at lunch, and her boyfriend's been noticing and bugging her about it. she's fighting for recovery though, for him. she's already pretty damn skinny, frigging 109lbs. as we sat on a bench pointing out skinny girls who passed by, i found myself thinking, "and you're way closer to that than me."

i'm getting there though. 125lbs, here i effing come. i have until february 12. i wanna look good in a dress like this, something edgy, and i'm thinkin' purple:


let's rock this bitch.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, January 23, 2011

feeling better


i'm gonna be working on this blog a lot. today i spent a great deal of the day putting up Ana's Playlist as a blog page. there's A TON of new songs on it, so if you haven't looked at it in a while, you should check it out. i'm also going to bring back Ana's Bookshelf and Ana's Cookbook with some new recipes, a links page, and i'm trying to think of any other pages i could put up. if you guys have any suggestions, just let me know in a comment or email.

i'm feeling much better today. found out that my monthly visitor is probably to blame for last night's devastation. damn periods. they make me so bipolar.

BRIGHT SIDE: woke up this morning, went upstairs, and, including period bloat, found out that i weigh 135lbs. new low weight. fuck to the yeah.

ate low-cal today and managed to get by without needing to puke, despite temptation. honestly, i don't think i'm going to stop altogether, because dinner will still be a problem most nights, but i'm going to get out of the addiction aspect of it. and i have a job now, so once i start working i'll probably be working during dinner time a lot, so i won't have to do it nearly as much.

new diet plan: i don't want to flat out starve all the time, so i won't kill my metabolism. i'm planning on making "lunch" the only calories i ingest for the day. i'm going to eat a varied amount of calories daily, always 300 calories or under (i reallyyyy don't want to eat over 100 calories at one time, but i need the caloric variance for my metabolism. i might end up just bringing 3 100 calorie snacks to school and eating them thoughout the day. whatever.). dinner will get nixed, as usual, and i won't eat the rest of the night. i'm going to start walking on the treadmill for an hour after school (there's no tv in the rec room anymore so my dr. phil plan didn't work before... gonna suck it up and use my ipod for now), start jogging in place every night and work my way up to an hour again, and do 100 crunches and 3 sets of pushups before bed. i might be getting diet pills soon, too (hopefully hopefully hopefully), which will really help. the dance is in 3 or 4 weeks, and my goal is to lose at least 10lbs by then. key words: at least.

as one of my best friends would say, i got this shit on the lock!

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Saturday, January 22, 2011

jumbled thoughts

a new frend spent the night last night. she opened up about her eatingdisorder past, so i opened up about mine. she went all pro recovery bullshit on me and it just annoyed the fuck out of me. when we went upstairs for foodd, i got a 100 calorie bag of diet popcorn. she put half of the gallon of ice cream into a bowl and topped it with whipped cream, sprinkles, fudge and chocolate syrup. i wanted to vomit. and i knew i was going to get bitched at later by one of my grandparents: "did you eat all the ice cream?"

no. fatso did.

drew and his little brother got caught stealing. he's grounded boyend belief. he got in a fist fight with his dad. the only way he has to contact me at all right now is through facebook if his little sister lets him borrow her ipod touch. the one thing that keeps me hapy, keeps me from falling back under that fucking water keeps getting taken away and its not fucking fair. if i could just get more time with him i know i'd fall in love with im cuz i'm so close. and i don't want to fucking drown again.

i'm so dizzy. fuck. i need to stop puking.

i have an irrational fear of feeling full. every time i'm full all i can think about is 'what if my stomach pops." and everytime i puke all i can think is "what if my esophogas ruptures? i don't want to die over a toilet." and drew. drew drew drew. before i puked a few minutes ago i found myself whispering 'i'm sorry" before i stuck my fingers down my throat. an apology he'll never hear.

everything. fuck.

shit.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

weedspo wednesday





pulled a wake-n-bake this morning. god i love weed. even after the actual high wears off, i still just feel overall calmer for the rest of the day. i love this chill feeling.

it was perfect timing, too. this morning from the moment i woke up all i could think about is how ugly i am. after rolling out of bed and taking a piss, at the first glance i caught of myself in the mirror i just wanted to break down. every single little flaw was just screaming at me for some reason.

but if you smoke two bowls before school with your boyfriend and a puerto rican, all of that anxiety goes away.

i was supposed to go get a battery for my scale today, but then the stupid snow started. so my dad wouldn't let me take the car. damn snow. it's so pretty, and i love it, but it's getting in my damn way lately.

valentine's dance will be here before i know it. i'm going to try to keep that in mind and lose as much as i can before then. at least 10lbs. that would put me in the 120s. i'm making myself all these little notes and signs and printing out thinspo to tape all over the back of my door. i'll have to take them down when i'm not here, of course, but they'll keep me motivated while i'm home. i'm gonna start a new thinspo vid too, i haven't made one in forever and a half.

well, off to do some crunches, have a smoke, and hit the sack. night everyone!

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

(p.s. weedspo is my newfound love. badass shit right there. weedspo wednesday may become a regular :D)

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

"diamonds are made under pressure."


my gag reflex is destroyed and i can't breathe in without my teeth hurting. mia will be the death of me. i need to stop, but what other choice do i have? i can't just let dinner settle into my stomach, bubble and digest inside to turn into fat and stick under my skin. that's not an option. but i can feel the alternative wearing my body out. any day now i'm scared i'm going to see blood.



my family keeps making comments. i've been keeping the things i eat besides dinner to reach my cal count for abc (it's like my own variation of the diet, since i can't get out of dinner at all). but if i go up to grab a slice of bread, or an apple, or a few crackers, fucking ANYTHING, i get the third degree from someone. my grandma thinks i eat too much, when little does she know that the 2 snacks i eat each night are the only calories i'm digesting all day. my grandpa is constantly making fat jokes. and my dad gives me a dirty look if i so much as LOOK at a second roll at the dinner table (when it's all leaving my stomach anyway). i realize they don't know what's going on with me, but still. as far as they know, i used to be bulimic. and i have lost over 30lbs. a noticable amount. but it's not good enough. i'm never good enough.



drew told me he loved me last night. it completely blew me away. it's not a bad thing at all, i just wasn't expecting it. we've only been together for a month. and though i'm well on my way to that point with him, i'm not ready to say it yet. i told molly i loved her because she guilt tripped me into it, and looking back, i don't think i ever actually was in love with her, i was in love with being in a relationship. with drew, all the feelings are so much different. more real, more raw and powerful and almost tangible. it's just right. it's the beginnings of love, but not all the way there. the emotions are not the dilemma. the problem is: shouldn't someone who's in love with me deserve to know the whole truth about me? i've been feeling enough nagging in the back of my mind to tell him before this happened. now i feel almost obligated... i'm rather torn. i don't know what to do.

today at lunch i was eating crackers. exactly 8. 110 calories. i broke them up to pop the tiny pieces in my mouth one at a time, just one of my weird eating habits. he noticed. he teased. he might not make anything of it, but with time he might put the pieces together and ask why i eat so strangely, so little, etc. and i already know i'm not going to be able to lie to him.

i feel so many walls closing in on me. i'm not ready to give up ana. i'm nowhere near ready. i want thin. i want that coffee-cigarette-waif dream to become my reality. i want to ride the treadmill down to 105lbs. i want to starve out all the emotions pressed at the back of my throat. i want perfection.

i'm scared that that's all going to be taken away from me.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, January 16, 2011

feeling small

alex spent the night last night. i was expecting her to go all pro-recovery bullshit on me, expected her to give me a dirty look when i didn't eat much of dinner. but she didn't. she didn't exactly indulge herself either. when i excused myself to the bathroom a half hour after dinner, she said nothing, even though i know she heard the water running as soon as i shut the door. we ended up talking about our disorders, as we always do. she's not as pro-recovery as she makes herself out to be. she still fantasizes about thin. but she wants to eat "healthy" for austin. she hasn't thrown up in 3 months. in that sense, she is stronger than me. and she's still 114. we haven't hung out since the fall, and when she put on pajama shorts i noticed how fucking SKINNY her legs have gotten compared to the last time i saw them. her thighs no longer touch. she told me her hipbones stick out now when she stands, said, "look, feel them! there's no fat there at all!" i want that so badly... those are my two main concerns: for my thighs not to touch anymore, and for my hipbones to stick out. those two things, i want more than anything. those two things mean thin.

i've become addicted to marianas trench, this awesome band i discovered on youtube the other night. i downloaded almost all their music. they're amazing. the sound is great, the guy's voice is amazing, and the lyrics are so raw. a lot of the songs reflect the (male, mind you) lead singer's struggles with bulimia and anorexia. "i lock the door, turn the water on, and bury that sound, so no one hears anything anymore..." i strongly suggest you look them up. the best ana/mia related songs are "feeling small," "fix me," and "skin & bones." i'll have them on "Ana's Playlist" soon.

i'm going to see black swan today. i'm so effing excited. natalie portman is gorgeous, and such a thinspiration. she had to lose a bunch of weight and spend a year learning ballet, just for this movie. it's gotten so much hype, i just hope it lives up to the expectations. i think it will though. woot!

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Friday, January 14, 2011

star-crossed lovers


"Tis torture, and not mercy. Heaven is here
Where Juliet lives, and every cat and dog
And little mouse, every unworthy thing,
Live here in heaven and may look on her,
But Romeo may not."

yesterday, drew got in a huge fight with his grandma (he lives with his grandparents). apparently his grades are not up to her standard. she absolutely flipped shit on him. she told him she wanted him to break up with me. when he refused, it just made her more mad. she took his phone away so he wouldn't be able to talked to me, forbid him to see me, and even made him take off the bracelet i made him. he's completely grounded, isn't allowed to stay after school for any reason, so there's absolutely no way for us to see eachother outside of school.

he promised me a few days ago that he'd stay with me through the good and the bad, because that's what he believes you're supposed to do when you care about someone as much as we care about eachother. he brought that up last night, and told me that he would keep that promise.

frankly, it just sucks. drew's been the one thing that always takes away all my stress, worries, sadness, any negative thing in my head. but now this whole situation just adds to the stress. i already miss him. this weekend we have monday off, which happens to be our one-month mark, and we're not going to be able to see eachother at all. i don't even know how much we're going to be able to talk to eachother.

i guess the only option is to fast the pain away.

i'm in one of those poetic depressed moods, in case you couldn't tell. fuck. i might dig into my prozac stash tonight.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

i just want to fly


katerina and i started ABC today. i got by with 420 cals. even with a little more food in my system than i'm used to, the depression is hitting again. ugh.

alex is pressuring me to tell drew everything. but we haven't had a serious conversation about our pasts or anything yet. we've dipped our feet in the water, venting to eachother about the little things, we talked a bit about my scars, but we haven't dove in to swim yet. alex has gone all pro-recovery because of her boyfriend. she actually had the nerve to say those classic lines to me, "just eat healthy and exercise." she of all people should know it isn't that simple. and it's easy for her. she quit once she got thin. me? there's still 32lbs between me and contentedness. apparently i can't go to her anymore.

she's made it pretty clear that if i don't tell andrew myself, she's going to do it for me. but how am i supposed to open up like that, expose my biggest secret, my hidden self, when he hasn't opened up to me hardly at all? just the other day, i found out that a few years ago his mother told him she was going to the store to buy some milk, and then never came back. i found this out from his friend; they were making jokes about it after he had to see her the other night.

if he asked me any question about anything, i wouldn't lie to him. he has the key that will unlock everything i keep shut away inside. all he has to do is put it in the lock and turn. but i doubt he even knows the key is in his hand.

and how will he react? i've left a poll up on golivewire.com (a teen support / anti-bordome forum) asking guys how they would react if they found out that their girlfriend or a girl they really liked had an eating disorder. 79% said they would stay with the girl. 11% said they would cut and run, and 8% said they would want to just be friends. where would drew lie?

he says he cares about me more than he's ever cared about any other girl. he calls me gorgeous and perfect countless times a day. he says he loves my body, simple as that. as much as this stuff warms me inside and makes me smile, i can't help but think, like the flyleaf lyrics, "how can you look at me when i can't stand myself?"

and if he knew me, the real me, would he ever see me the same? of course not.

another problem, i'm nowhere near wanting recovery. i'm very firmly set in my ways. my body, my choice. i'll feed it or starve it as i please. i've decided to try to cut back on purging, just because that puts so much wear and tear on my body (this is the first day since i got back from california that i haven't purged), and ana boot camp will actually have me eating more calories than i usually do. so less purging, wayyy less days of total starvation, is that enough of a comprimise? i mean fuck, just running on 420 calories i feel too full.

after all, i just want to fly.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

(P.S. yes, that is one of my drawings)

Monday, January 10, 2011

sad


i did this months ago. the last time i slipped up.

i'm so fucking close to doing it again.

i think i need pills. but even if i could get my dad to notice me for long enough to tell him, he can't afford it. he can't even afford to get divorced. apparently the credit card companies are psycho-calling the other house. he's going to declare bankrupcy soon. he has enough on his plate. does he really need a crazy daughter on top of that?

and i don't want to become some wacked-out pill zombie.

i'm just terrified. of everything.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

dear nikki, here's the deal.

you are fat. it's as simple as that. and you know it. yet you lack the fucking self-control you need to get thin. you have the drive, the determination, you can plan out every little detail of a diet or workout routine, but you don't fucking follow through. you can go 6 days without digesting anything, and then let yourself eat 2 plates of food at a family breakfast outing? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

do you realize that i am inside your head? that i know all your thoughts? every want, every dream, every desire, fear, every little thing inside your mind, i know it all. so here's the deal, nikki. you've been thinking about sex. i know you have, so don't deny it. you think you're getting closer and closer every day to falling in love, to being ready to take that leap.

you can't remember the first time you had sex with molly. it wasn't that memorable, was it? what do you remember besides feeling too fat? do you want it to be the same way with andrew? he's already seen you naked, and i'm surprised he's not disgusted by you. i'm shocked, in fact, that he says he likes your body.

he's lying, nikki. i don't care if your heart says he's not. I SAY he's lying. he wishes you were thinner, nikki. he's not going to fall in love with you until you're perfect.

it's going to take you a couple months or so to want to go all the way with him, so i'm giving you a very fair warning. you're not allowed to have sex with him until you're thin. 120 or lower. that's a little less than 20lbs away. not perfection, but much closer.

so think about that next time you want a fucking potato chip.

Love,
Ana

the worst and the best

yesterday was godawful. i mean really, really awful. i was supposed to have drew, alex and her boyfriend over for a fun double-date night. then drew's grandma wouldn't let him come over, so we changed it to just alex coming and spending the night. then she got the stomach flu. so i ended up spending the night alone. of course, i spent it alone at the worst timing possible. the depression started to hit in 6th period and got progressively worse. by late afternoon, i was sobbing for no reason and had a horrible urge to cut again. i had a full-blown panic attack before i finally calmed down. once i hit that low point, it was an hour that felt like days. and andrew knows nothing about the whole thing.

even though i wasn't at that super low point, i was still down for almost the rest of the night. my dad ordered each of us a pizza for dinner. i thought we were going to spend some time together since he was finally spending time at home for the evening and my grandparents were gone. sitting around, eating pizza, playing guitar hero. then when the pizzas got here, he just handed mine to me and said, "you eatin' downstairs, i guess?" and walked up the stairs. i'm fucking invisible to him. i ate the whole pizza. then threw the whole thing up.

i couldn't stand up. i sat on the floor of the bathroom and every time i tried to pull myself up my legs were just too weak. i was depressed and miserable and felt like shit. i texted zack, just telling him i was having a shitty day. when he asked why, i explained the depression, my dad, eating an entire pizza, throwing an entire pizza up without even thinking about it. he called me. talked to me for half an hour while i was sitting on that floor. "you're killing yourself from the inside out," he said, "and i just wish you could see that you're so much better than that. you're my best friend; i care about you so much." he said all these amazing things about me and it made me cry. i hate that i'm hurting him.

but at least he sees me. when you start to disappear, everyone sees.

i thought about it, and i realized that i hadn't digested anything since last saturday. 6 days. and i feel so much thinner. i wish i knew what i weighed. i feel so powerful. even today, i only had 2 pieces of thin crust pizza at drew's house.

on that note, about half an hour after said pizza dinner, drew's grandparents (he lives with them) left for the evening. and into his room we went. all that sexual tension that's been building up this week (have you ever sexted for 7 hours? i have!) was finally released, like when you let out a deep breath you've been holding in. it was scary, but exciting, nerve-wracking, but fun. i feel like it brought us closer. and even though i felt like i had no idea what the fuck i was doing (remember, i've only been physical with a guy ONE TIME, stupid dan), drew thought i was a pro. we didn't go all the way, far from that. he fingered me and went down on me and i gave him a handjob (i could tell he wanted a bj, but honestly, i'm terrified of that at the moment, i'm still getting used to the whole dick idea lol).

that wasn't the best part of the night tho. the moment i find my mind going back to most, the part that i was happiest, was just laying on the couch in his rec room together. we had our arms around eachother and i was just running my fingers through his hair. i felt warm, finally. my head was on his chest and i could hear his heart beating and our bodies molded perfectly together. and every once in a while he'd just say something sweet out of the blue. "i like you a lot." "you're amazing." "you have really pretty eyes." always with a smile. or i'd just look up at him randomly and he'd kiss me softly. in that moment, that small lapse of time, my world was perfect. everything was right.

i'm falling so fast. fast and hard. i've told him this, and he's said he's waiting to catch me at the bottom. i'm not there yet, but i just know that given a little time, it's going to happen. i'm falling in love with him.

this is something real.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

"my focus shall not fail."

i find not distractions, live life of single mind
and failure is not inherent, for I will have what's mine
i'll struggle and sacrifice, should i find value there
i'll not be scorned by failure, i'll not relent

now my conscience shall dictate my way
no more apologies, no more mistakes
now solid direction has strengthened my resolve
fear not for consequences

 

fear not at all my focus shall not fail
I shall not fall and nor shall I despair

 

exist no more distractions, exist no more delays
set free from inhibitions, set solid on my way
now set forth with purpose and with a strong resolve

fear not for consequences

 

fear not at all my focus shall not fail...

 

 
these are lyrics from "focus shall not fail" by all that remains. the lyrics and the thrashy music just combine together to paint a perfect picture of the raw, angry determination pulsing through my mind right now.
 

 

no more pissing around. i'm changing me, inside out. i'm going to be powerful, have self-control. i'm going to look prettier. i'm going to dress bold and edgy. i'm going to be thin. i'm going to be the version of ME that i want to be, goddammit.
 

 

i will not fucking fail.
 

 

tomorrow i'm starting 02468 and i'm going to continue until i stop seeing results that i want. i'm going to go to the store (because i can drive myself now) as soon as i can and buy a fucking battery for my scale. i'm going to start exercising every day and night. i'm going to count calories religiously. if i break from my plan, there will be fucking punishment. i'm going to follow that water plan to the T. i'm going to buy supplements and celery and slimfast and tell my grandma's cooking to go fuck itself in the garbage disposal because it will not be entering my mouth.
 

 
i shall NOT FAIL.
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

"how can you look at me when i can't stand myself?"


he told me that i'm perfect.

and i started crying.

not only because it made me so happy that he thought that of me, and was the first person in as long as i can remember to directly say it, but because i know how truely imperfect i am.

what on earth does this wonderful boy see in horrible me?

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Monday, January 3, 2011

new year, naughty girl, no food

first off, new years resolutions:
  • lose weight quickly and consistently until i reach my goal weight of 105 (duh) (key words: quickly and consistently)
  • start jogging or walking on the treadmill every day
  • start doing nightly crunches again (at least 100/night)
  • NOT fuck things up with drew
  • party more :)
  • survive my first semester of college
  • toke with all the friends i keep saying i need to toke with
  • try shrooms
  • get my first tattoo and first facial piercing
  • become that mysterious sexy waif image of myself i've always wanted to be
what are your resolutions?



complete topic switch, but my head's a swirl of emotions right now. to be blunt, me and drew have been sexting for over 6 hours. it started out just "oh i'm in a make out mood" type shit. then it progressed. and kept going and going until he was suggesting doing things that we haven't even done yet. i expected him to talk about third base, cuz that's the next step. but he wants to go further than that... when he said he wanted to eat me out, i was surprised, excited, and slightly stressed... cuz if he does that to me, i feel like i'm expected to return the favor. and i've never done that before, and honestly the idea of a blowjob grosses me out. as much as i trust him and honestly i already think i could lose my virginity to him later on, this scares the hell out of me. because i have no idea what i'm doing. i'm a newb, and i don't want to disappoint. i don't even know how to act around a boyfriend in general, how am i supposed to figure out all the sex stuff? i'm two years older, but i'm the naive one, and it's kinda scary to be in that situation. i'm so used to being experienced, confident.

i mean, fuck, we sent eachother pictures. i can't help that i'm a horny individual and let my hormones take over very easily. maybe in the moment i'll forget all my worries. but until then?

and is this too fast? tomorrow will be the 3 week mark... i just don't want to fuck things up. i've just fallen for him so hard and so fast, and part of me feels ready to go further. part of me just knows that there's a very good chance that this is it, the real deal, the one.

decisions, decisions... a nice liquid fast will surely clear my head.



speaking of liquids, i've heard a new trick that i'm going to try. if you take your current weight in pounds, divide it by 2, and drink that many ounces of water a day, it helps you lose hella weight. alex said that someone who she knows who is a sports therapist told her about it, and she's been doing it, and it works. for example: i weigh about 138lbs. so i would drink 69oz of water a day. i'm going to start this as soon as i find a water bottle that tells me how many ounces is in it (i don't buy bottled water, i need to go buy a new water bottle, i'm eco friendly).

sorry this post was so attention deficit... just one of those days.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, January 2, 2011

I ♥ L.A.

shortly after the charter bus pulled out of the airport, i knew i wanted to move to L.A. just the brightness of the buildings, the smell of the air, the style of the clothes that everyone wears, it all felt like me. coffee and sunglasses and cool. skinnies everywhere. i felt like i belonged, like i was supposed to be there. it all just clicked. i fount myself thinking, "i could never get tired of these streets." i could see myself one of them: lanky and rockin' an L.A. look, coffee in one hand, cigarette in the other, strutting down the sidewalk like i owned this town. it's an incredible feeling, justknowing that a place is where you're meant to be. why was i born in some stupid missouri hicktown suburb when my heart belongs in los angeles?

the first day we went from L.A.X. to santa monica pier and spent the day shopping on the promenade and exploring the pier. i rode a roller coaster over the ocean and discovered a love for urban outfitters (if only i could afford to shop there all the time!). the next day we went to disneyland, and when we discovered that the haunted mansion ride was done up all nightmare before christmas for the holidays, me and my friend were in emokid heaven. wednesday we toured hollywood and beverly hills and stopped at the big chinese theatre where all the celebrities have their hand/footprints. then we went to help decorate the floats for the parade, glueing flowers and stuff, which sounds boring but was actually really cool. that night we went to a dinner show where i had a panic attack and threw up in the bathroom. thursday after doing a band show we had a dinner/dance party with another band. i got in a 6 person grinding chain and punched zack as hard as i could four times (cuz he's being a douschtool), burning a lot of cals and making myself feel a lot better. on friday, we went to universal studios, and i got to shop at the biggest hot topic i have ever seen.

then came saturday morning. the parade. we made it on tv. the crowds were all screaming for us. and even though i was dizzy as fuck and exhausted by the time we hit the 4-mile mark, it was one of the best experiences of my life. when you turn that first big corner and all you see are gigantic bleachers filled with thousands of cheering people and cameras EVERYWHERE and you're just playing your fucking heart out, it's something you never forget.

as for how ana felt on this trip... ugh. it turned out that zack and lizzy weren't the problem at all. it was my fucking willpower. i never ate breakfast, tried to nibble at meals, but part of me was nagging the whole time, "just enjoy yourself. for once. you're gonna fix it when you get back. this is your trip." a lot of the time, that side won. probably because i was so physically exhausted the whole time from being out and about all day and getting no sleep (or i'm just a fat sack of shit) (or both). and i had to have been burning tons of cals running around all day. god i hope so... me and alex are kicking off the new year with a liquid fast anyway. it's her first. lol. i'm such a bad influence.

the other problem on the trip was molly. she called while i was at disney. when i called her back later that night, she was crying her eyes out. saying she misses being friends blah blah etc. i didn't let her guilt me. i spun it all on her. i wasn't mean, but i was stern. and i didn't sugarcoat shit. i made it very clear that everything is on my terms now. i don't really know what i want. i don't need her anymore. i don't see a point. but i do have a conscience that's debating giving her one more chance. i need to talk to andrew, but i don't even know how to begin that conversation.

despite the bullshit along the way, and my depression and anxiety coming back, i really enjoyed the trip. and the bad parts only left me with that familiar, burning determination. that angry drive.

i. will. be. thin.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox