Friday, November 18, 2011

have you ever looked into the eyes of a monster? put your hand against the glass and known that your fate was sealed in it? "i will never leave you," she coos, mocking your struggles to resist the tempting sanctity of her bony embrace. you see her in your reflection and know that she means it. there she is, right in front of you, inside of you, an incurable disease, a goddess of perfection.

a monster.


i haven't written on this blog in so long. somehow, i decided i didn't need it anymore. i felt nearly fully recovered, eating twice a day without much thought about it. the anxiety was rare. i even got a tattoo of the eating disorder recovery symbol, accented in green to represent my rise from the clutches of EDNOS. i was doing okay. college was going great, and i was making new friends, partying hard, enjoying the freedom. drew and i were on a break, but i knew he was coming back soon. we had some ups and downs, but it was all going to be okay in the end. i was making up for my mistakes, and he was making up for his.

then he got back with lyssa.

for four long months i have waited in patient pain. after a while, i gave up on telling him how hurt i was. after losing one of my best friends just because she got tired of hearing me talk about him, i withdrew into myself. kept all the pain, hurt, rage, everything locked away inside of my quiet exterior. and i didn't just throw myself a pity party forever. it took a long time, but a few weeks ago i started trying to move on. i started talking to people, flirting, putting myself out there. i ended up with an amazing guy practically worshipping the ground i walked on, not to mention a few other people eyeing me as well, and that made me happy for a couple short days before i realized it wasn't what i wanted. something was missing it wasn't drew. i started ignoring all of them, and last night when the really sweet guy texted me while i was with drew, he saw it and i let him tell the poor kid to "fuck off." "it's sammi's guy," he said. "the one she's liked and been with for 11 months." i couldn't believe he'd acknowledged that it was the day that would've marked 11 months since he'd asked me out.

but despite these small victories, the pain is still constant. on the rare occasion that i can fall asleep at night, i have nightmares about him, or about him and lyssa. i skip my morning classes all the time to drift in and out of sleep in attempt to make up for my restless nights. when i do go to class, i barely pay attention. i can't focus on anything. and outside of class? forget about it. i blow off homework and studying to either hang out with andrew or get fucked up enough to forget about him.

my emotions are so out of control, and it's taking over my life. HE is taking over my life. i need to immerse myself in something else, something to numb the pain. i miss that constant high you get after a couple days of starvation. and most of all, i fucking miss my old body. i wasn't thin, but i sure as hell wasn't this fat. i'm too embarassed to give the exact number just yet, but i will say that the dreaded Freshman Fifteen is no fucking joke.

so hello, Ana. i'm sure we can figure out away to get around this twomealsaday contract, right?

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoSammioxox

Friday, August 5, 2011

sex burns 360 calories per hour

no wonder i've finally managed to lose another 2lbs.

but at the same time, i'm worried as fuck.

a few nights ago, my drew and i were high as fuck, and a few minutes after making me OG for the first time, he convinced me to let us try going without a condom. we didn't do it for very long, but only because i finally made him stop. we'd agreed to only slip it in once, and he did that... but then we just kept going. pressed skin to skin, fingers digging into eachothers backs, i'd never felt so close to someone in my life. my eyes watered, just from feeling so completely in love with him. i don't regret a moment of it.

but at the same time, i know, what the fuck was i thinking?

and feeling so close to drew has just made me feel even worse about keeping my relapse a secret from him. i was so sure that he would find out anyway considering the healing scabs on my knuckles and hand, but he's apparently oblivious. my bulimia has gotten completely out of hand, i barely have a gag reflex anymore, i cough up blood, and i've almost fainted a couple times. i want to lose weight, absolutely, but not like this. like my friend said last night, "just not eating isn't as bad as throwing up." i'd much rather take that route.

i know i've been saying this forever, but i really feel the walls closing in on me now. i have to tell him.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoSammioxox

Friday, July 29, 2011

youtube findings

i found a couple things on youtube tonight that i just thought i'd share. first is this song, brought me straight to fucking tears. one of the singers in the band wrote it for his girlfriend who struggled with eating disorders and depression. if you pay attention to the lyrics, it really hits home for us anas. it's just one of those songs that you wish a guy would sing to you.


next, i don't know if you've seen this video before because it's pretty popular, but i just found it today. this girl is ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS, and i just loved her story. she's so relateable, it's nice not to feel so alone. and somehow, listening to her talk about how little she ate, how good the hunger felt, just started pulling me even farther back into ana. as of tonight, part of me just wants to lay low for the next few weeks, and then stop eating again when i go to school. meanwhile, the recovery side of me says, "you're going to spin out of fucking control. you have to tell andrew, so he can keep tabs on you. you're going to make a wreck of yourself." anyways, i'm rambling...


this last one is just for the fuck of it, because i'm obsessed with this song. this chick is SO badass. i wanna learn how to rap now!


well, that's all for now, ladies. i'll be back in a few days after most likely fattening up on my 3 day vacation. 3 days with no cigarettes, no weed (mind you i've only had one sober day in the past 2 weeks, and usually smoke multiple times a day), and no chances to purge. fml. i'm pretty sure i'm going vegetarian again. fuck it.

good night!

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoSammioxox

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

bitch, gtfo, HEY!

SO GUESS WHO SHOWED UP AT MY WORK TONIGHT?

lyssa.

my friend brought her, without giving me any form of a head's up. i was shaking with anger and holding back tears as i made her stupid fucking sandwich.

then, guess who shows up?

drew.

if i wasn't on the clock, shit would've gone down. but i had to keep my cool, and i didn't say a word. apparently, neither did he. he told his friend that he wasn't going to hug her or anything, and then blatently ignored her the rest of the night. looks like chaos was avoided for now.

but it killed me when he asked if i'd eaten and i said no. when i flat out told him i wasn't going to eat the rest of the night and he just kept saying, "but you gotta eat," still concerned even though he was drunk. and after all that, i still locked myself behind that bathroom door, unleashing my nightly silent screams.

my stomach hurts. my throat hurts. she's skinnier than me. everything hurts.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

chelsea smile

"it sits in silence, eats away at me
it feeds like cancer, this guilt could fill a fucking sea
pulling teeth, wolves at my door
now falling and failing is all I know
 
this disease is getting worse.
i counted my blessings, now i'll count this curse
the only thing i really know: i can't sleep at night
i'm buried and breathing in regret..."
-Bring Me The Horizon, "Chelsea Smile"

i just keep coming closer and closer to breaking down. spilling my guts to drew (pardon the irony). sometimes when i'm around him i just feel those tears waiting behind my eyes to spill out when i finally have the courage to let the word leave my lips: help.

i need help. i need him to know that i've relapsed to the point that it's beyond my control. it didn't take any time at all for me to find myself in just as big of a mess as before. every second of the day, all i can think about is foodfoodfoodfoodfood. meanwhile, voices inside are screaming: fat fucking bitch. lardass. fatfatfatfatfat. everything that passes through my lips winds up in the toilet shortly after. every time i take a shower, more chunks of hair fall down the drain.

i don't know how to tell him that i've been taken over by the same old monster once again. i don't know how to tell him how scared i am whenever my muscles twitch from all the purging, or my vision blurs from the lack of food in my system. but in a month i go to college, and i know for a fact that if i don't start to get a grip on this bullshit now, i'm going to absolutely fly out of control when i'm on my own. 

i have to figure out how to tell him. how to ask him for help. how to let myself be vulnerable around him. i know i can trust him, i trust him with my life. but telling him i've relapsed? that's a difficult task.

xoxoSammioxox

Friday, July 8, 2011

dear food: FUCK YOU and goodnight.

i can't do this anymore. i cannot handle eating like a normal person, all the homecooked meals and fast food and fucking shit. screw normality. i want beauty. i want to get rid of this "recovery weight." i won't starve, i won't purge, but i'm sure as SHIT going to start dieting again.

my current plan is to eat 300 calories on days that i work (6" sandwiches are all around 300 cals, i'm not gonna be SUPER strict with it, so i don't get too obsessive), 100 cals days that i don't work, and allow myself one day a week of 500-800cals. i'll also be exercising a healthy 30 minutes daily, i've found some cool workout videos on youtube and cleaned off the treadmill upstairs.

i'm not starving. i'm not restricting. i'm dieting. eating light. there's nothing wrong with that, right?

i just wanna be beautiful. i just want to stop feeling so disgusted with myself. i'm done crying over cupcakes.

xoxoSammioxox

P.S.: drew and i are doing fantastic now, i've forgiven him and he's made it clear that if there were ever a choice, he would choose me over lyssa. i'm not worried about that anymore, and it's such a relief. now that that's out of our way, i'm trying to be more open with him about my eating issues. it's a slow process, but hell, it's tough to talk about.

Monday, June 27, 2011

"you should've known that word 'bout what you did with her would get back to me"



lyssa let my friend onto her facebook. he read every single one of her messages, including messages between her and drew. from when they were going out. from when they fucked. if i wasn't stoned out of my mind, i probably would have screamed. marched down to that slut's house and beaten her fucking face in. i KNOW that she was the one trying to talk him into fucking her. they hadn't even been together for a month.

but i just can't believe he lied. he swore he wouldn't do it.

at least when i confronted him, he didn't try to get out of it. he just fessed up and apologized, swore he would make it up to me. i forgive him, but now it's a matter of trying to forget. i don't think i'm going to be able to sleep with him for a really long time, cuz i know that all i would think about the whole time would be them fucking. doesn't matter cuz i'm grounded indefinately, but whatever. neither of us want our pasts to tear down our future.

i'm pretty sure that lyssa let my friend on her facebook on purpose, so that he would see that and tell me about it. but it looks like her plan failed, because it didn't turn me against him. all it did was make me break down and purge for the first time in weeks, and hate her even more.


i'd love to see her reaction if she found out that WE fucked while THEY were together.

xoxoSammioxox

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

reflections

have you ever just looked back, and realized how fucking insane you used to be?

i've gotten some texts recently from old ana buddies. these people used to be my best friends. i used to talk to them every day, all day long. but after going so long without talking to any of them at all, hearing those typical comments, the willyoufastwithme's and the ihaven'teateninsixdays's, asking me for advice to get out of meals or asking me to teach them to purge, it wasn't the same. in some cases, i was almost ashamed to say i had chosen recovery. i felt like an outsider.

and from the outside looking in, i realize how utterly fucked up i was when i was in the depths of my disorder.

i still have the same fear of food, the urges to purge, the constant worrying over my weight. but i think i've gotten to the point that i don't pride myself in those things, i don't see starvation as a sign of strength or discipline. just last night when i found myself watching thinspo videos on youtube, i felt ashamed. like some sex addict sneaking a peak at porn or something. it felt wrong to me. and when i see pictures of emaciated girls, i don't want to look like that anymore. i still want skinny, but not sick. i still crave the feeling of an empty stomach, but i don't want to fast. i'm at such an inbetween right now. i'm so lost. and i still have no idea how to talk to drew about it.

sometimes i wish he'd just ask. i wish he'd show some sign that he WANTS to know what's going on, that he wants me to open up to him. i don't think he's ignoring me, or that he doesn't care, i think he just doesn't know how to handle it. but there are nights when my stomach is growling and i just can't bring myself to eat, and i just want him to comfort me, to ask me why, to give me some sense of support so i don't have to recover completely on my own. we all know ana's strength over our minds. i'm really not sure if i'm strong enough to fight her alone.

how the hell do i talk to him about all this?

xoxoSammioxox

Monday, June 13, 2011

relapse

i was finally at the point that i was content with myself. 133lbs was okay with me. but when my clothes started getting tighter as i started to actually eat again, i couldn't handle it. once i saw 142.5lbs on the scale, i lost it. i completely fell back into that disordered hole. went days without food. ate hardly anything on the days that i did eat. i couldn't stand food anymore. i feared it. i feared gaining weight like never before.

i didn't know what was tearing me apart more, the guilt i felt about eating, or the guilt i felt that drew didn't know. eventually, i knew i had to tell him. and when he glanced at a text i sent to a friend about it, he made me spit it out, kept asking what was wrong. i couldn't even look in his eyes when i told him, "i've been having trouble eating lately." he just sighed and wrapped me in such a tight hug, asked me why. i told him i'd been feeling self conscious and shit. when i asked him if he was mad, he said "no, just sad." i felt awful...

we still haven't had a full-blown conversation, just snippets here and there when it gets brought up. "you gotta eat," his new catchphrase. he tells me i'm beautiful just the way i am, that he "doesn't give a shit" that i've gained weight. i can just tell by the way he acts and talks when the subject comes up that he cares about me so much... it's the only thing keeping me from complete starvation.

it just still kills me seeing all these skinny gorgeous girls everywhere, wanting to live that dream so badly, knowing exactly how to get there but also knowing that i CAN'T do that to drew, to myself.

i hate my body. but i love him with all my heart. the choice is easy, but ana is so hard to fight. so fucking hard. and i don't even know how to begin to explain to him just how hard it is.

xoxoSammioxox

P.S.: btw, thanks to everyone who's been standing up to anony-BITCH. you wanna expose me? go right fucking ahead. i dare you. you're all talk and you haven't done a damn thing, even though you've known about this blog for months. i'm not scared of you.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

"how we survive is what makes us who we are."

by the end of the summer, this quote will be sitting on my hip in permanent ink. i'll take every jolt of pain from that needle in my skin with pride. why? because this quote rings so true for me, it's a philosophy that i live by every day. my past, my struggles, my battles, won or lost, are all just the elements that have shaped me into the person that i am today. am i proud of my mistakes? no. but i'm not ashamed of my past. that's why i'm not going to delete this blog, even if it is exposed by some anonymous little pussyshit. why wait for the opportune moment, anon? you're no threat to me. i'm putting this eating disorder behind me, for good. this blog isn't an opportunity for blackmail, it's a document of my past. it's truth, raw and real. it's a place that has given me a sense of community during the times when i've felt most alone. it's helped me survive what my life has thrown at me. i am not ashamed of these words that i've published over the months and months that this blog has been alive.

my name is sammi, and i am a recovering EDNOS sufferer.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

i'm back, bitches!

i can't believe i've been gone from this blog for so long. first i was too depressed to write, and then my computer broke. but here i am!

i'm sure you all want to know what happened with drew. well, he finally came to his senses, dumped lyssa, and came back to me a little while later. we went to prom together, it was amazing, and we're more in love than ever. our relationship is so strong, even with all the trouble he's gotten in after getting busted with pot, and even through all the bullshit drama stirred up by lyssa and a few other people.

he just makes me so happy. to be honest, i'm not sure if i want this life anymore. he loves me just the way i am, and told me i have a perfect body. he even said he doesn't like skinny girls, and that "even lyssa is pushing it." for a while, i was feeling content with myself. for the first time in years. but somehow those old thoughts started to creep back again, and i found myself on my pro ana facebook page, texting my pro ana buddies, and landed back on the blog.

i've missed blogging so much, and all of you. i'm not sure what direction i'm going to end up going with myself; i really don't think i can put drew through that. it's like i'm fighting, but not sure if i want to. it's hard to explain. i think i'm going to continue blogging, because i love this community and i am very supportive of the "my body, my choice" philosophy. i don't know how often i'll be able to post, but i'll try my best.

stay strong,
xoxoNikkioxox

P.S.: dear anonymous,
PISS OFF. you're an ignorant little bitch, thinking that eating disorders are funny. if your best friend was in the position that we are, i'm sure you'd see things a little differently. wanna show people my blog? you obviously haven't yet, or it would be all over school. you don't even have the balls to say who you are. so why don't you go fuck yourself. that is all.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

haitus

good news, i'm only half a pound above my lw as of this morning, and fasted today along with burning a metric fuckton of calories.

bad news, i think i'm taking a break. not from ana, just from blogging. on top of dealing with andrew, i've lost one of my best friends (alex), and my band director died this sunday. keep in mind, i've never dealt with a death before. i really just don't feel like doing anything. i don't even have the energy to smoke cigarettes, and that says a lot.

i'll be back when i'm feeling better. i just wanted to make myself type a quick post so you didn't think i was disappearing on you. i just don't have the energy right now.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, March 13, 2011

winning the game

well, if you've seen my facebook, you already know: i'm officially not a virgin anymore. it was... wow. 'nuf said.



i'm so fucking confused about drew. all of a sudden, today, he was acting beyond sweet. he said "i love you" at least ten times, if not more. he told me he wants to get a tattoo of lyrics from our song. he came in to see me at work (stoned off his ass, but still). yet he's still with lyssa. i really don't know what to make of everything.

running on nothing but coffee and a mountain dew today, and countless smokes at work. it's amazing how much starving and smoking keeps me level.

it's spring break, and my goal is to lose at least 5lbs. it. will. happen.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Monday, March 7, 2011

second best

i'm sorry i left you guys hanging after that depressing post... i'm here, i'm alive. i guess. this situation with drew just keeps getting more and more fucking complicated.

friday night, he told me he was probably going to break up with lyssa. i got my hopes up. my friend who i was with told me i was acting like a little kid who was just told he'd won a lifetime supply of candy and a trip to disneyland. but by the end of the night, he said he was undecided.

saturday we hung out, me, him, and a bunch of his friends. we were cuddling and holding hands in the back of his friends car. we got into tickle fights every five minutes. late that night, i was at work, and one of our friends texted me saying he was almost crying, because he's so torn between me and lyssa. sunday, he was still acting all depressed.

i really don't know what to do. apparently he's planning on having sex with her over spring break, but after all that flirting saturday? and flirting again today at lunch? god, just the thought of them doing that... it makes me wanna fall to pieces.

and there's two other guys thrown into the equation now. one of them wants to ask me out, but i keep telling him i don't want a relationship. i don't even see him that way anymore. this is the same guy who tried to ask me out the last time that me and drew broke up. the other guy... i think we've been flirting lately, but i can't tell if he's just being friendly. i have the tiniest bit of crush on him. i felt that little jolt in my chest when our hands brushed today...

i really don't know.

here's a link to a new vid, btw. check it out.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

dear drew... again

she gets mad at you for the stupidest reasons. and you just sit there and take it. when i asked you, twice, why you put up with it, your only answer was, "i don't know." why do you stay with her when she treats you like this? it would be one thing if you were with someone else and they made you happy, but from what i've seen she's doing just the opposite. and i know, i KNOW i'm better for you than she is. everyone does. your friends even do. haven't you noticed them all complaining about her? haven't you noticed yourself doing it?

i hold back when i'm about to say something mean. when someone asked me today if i knew where you were, i almost said, "probably sucking lyssa's face." but i didn't. i can feel this anger pent up inside me and i just keep pushing it down. i don't let it show because i want to show you that i'm not like her. i don't start petty drama. i'm not jealous or controlling. but it kills me that the boy i'm in love with is with a girl who treats him like her puppet.

even you admitted, "i deserve better." you admitted that we've never gotten in a single fight. so why are you still gone? do you not think i'm better than her? if i'm not, what the hell am i? i feel like worthless trash and i miss kissing you...

i'm starting to think that maybe there's a reason why the only two people i've ever loved have left me for other people. maybe i wasn't meant for them. maybe i'm just not meant for anyone. maybe i wasn't meant to be here in the first place. maybe i should just leave and (here's the cliche) everyone would be better off without me.

if i could have just five minutes, just five fucking minutes with your arms around me... god it's all i want right now. more than the kisses or holding hands or hearing you call me "babe." more than anything. because when i'm in your arms it's the one place in this world that i feel safe. and right now i feel so fucking vulnerable. five minutes of safety could mean the world to me.

i wonder if you've noticed that i don't even take a bite at lunch anymore. that my jeans are loose again.

i wonder if you notice me at all anymore.

oh, wait, that's right. no one notices. i scream for help every way i know how. but no one gives a shit. no one listens.

maybe when i'm fucking gone, they'll wish they would've listened. i doubt you'd even miss me.

fuck it.

Monday, February 28, 2011

sewn shut


well, i told drew today that i cut again. it was awful. he was dead silent the rest of lunch. when the bell rang, he grabbed his stuff and left without saying a word. i texted him a few minutes later, asking if he hated me. he said he didn't. he said he was just really upset. he said he couldn't help but blame himself. he was about to break down in the middle of class. i felt awful. "you promised me you'd never do that again. i know i've broken promises, but why'd you have to break this one?" he said. i felt terrible about it. but it was just the kick i needed to make sure i stop this now, because i did it last night too and felt like i was on the verge of a really bad relapse. by the end of the day, he was glad i told him instead of hiding it. but if i do it again, he said he might leave for good.

after today, i really don't know when i'm going to tell him about my disorders. i was so close to telling him before all this breakup bullshit started again. that's what the song is about that i posted. yes, this is me, and no, it is not an ana channel, so please leave ana and eating disorder related comments off my videos, i had to do a lot of thinking to decide whether to share my youtube videos with you guys.

i finally got my gma to start buying more fruits and veggies, and she's even going to buy me slimfast soon. until i get the slimfast i'm going to be on a celery and apple diet, probably more celery than anything else. i love negative cal foods.

lyssa's not quite a stick, but maybe if i were at least as skinny as her, drew would want me just a little bit more...

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, February 27, 2011

a week of hell

wednesday, drew told me he wanted to take a break. he said he was starting to just see me as a friend and wanted to relight the spark. he swore this was the last time. i agreed to it. i asked him straight up if this had anything to do with lyssa. he told me it didn't.

thursday, i found out he lied. it was about lyssa the whole time. they're facebook official and everything. i couldn't believe it. i couldn't believe he lied. i couldn't believe he betrayed my trust like that. after everything else had already been overwhelming me, i hit the breaking point. actually, no, i didn't just hit it, i shot right through it like a fucking rocket. i threw up. i cut again. 15 times. 8 times on my wrist, 6 on my hips, and one on my leg. i don't even remember doing it. i just started and couldn't stop. at one point i saw the blue line of a tendon in one of the cuts on my wrist. i went back and dragged the scissors across it again, pressing as hard as i could, until i could feel it hit, tingling up my arm...

friday, drew asked me to go smoke with him before school. we walked off campus to our smoking spot. he kissed me again, a way of saying goodbye for now. he had put back on the bracelet i made him, saying it was a symbol that he was going to come back to me someday. i hid my wrist the whole time. at lunch, i was holding back tears. i didn't know whether to tell him about what i'd done the night before. i felt like i was keeping secrets from him. and really, i was. the guilt hurt so much. it still does. after school, he ended up telling me he still has feelings for me, they were never gone in the first place. his heart is torn between me and lyssa. he begged me to give him another chance in the future. i told him i didn't want to be a backup plan. i told him we'd have to see where things end up. i wasn't guaranteeing anything. as much as i wanted to say the opposite, say "yes, i love you, of course i'll wait for you!" i forced myself to do the right thing. i had to make it clear that he couldn't keep going back and forth.

i wish the boy would make up his mind.

i haven't eaten since wednesday except for the b/p episode. i don't plan on eating again anytime soon. i'm back down to 134, after i'd jumped up to 139 on monday. 5lbs in a week. obviously something's working. i'm not even trying. i just have no appetite. i have no interest in food. guess every cloud has a silver lining.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

fuck fuck fuck

first i accidentally send a text to andrew saying, "i'm going on a liquid diet. exercising every day til i'm about to pass out. i'm fucking done. i want to be fucking skinny." i pulled it off saying it was a forward from a friend that i meant to send to zack. i was gonna tell him today, too. so much for that. i felt so bad, flat out lying. i still do.

so maybe that's why i deserved to log onto facebook and see that him and lyssa have been wall-posting eachother all day. i can't remember the last time he did that with me. he started one of those 30-day-challenge albums, listed 15 facts for the first picture, and one was "lyssa is my bestttt frienddd!!!" i wasn't mentioned at all. i wasn't even tagged. i don't know what to make of any of it. and i don't wanna confront him and end up looking like a controlling jealous psycho. i'm on the verge of tears right now.

on top of everything, molly decided to text me to tell me she still has feelings for me. i essentially told her to piss off, but yeah, just another thing loaded on my plate.

fuck this. i'm going to go vomit.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

weedspo wednesday!

i remembered! it takes a while to find good ones, cuz you can't just google "weedspo," so i'll just be uploading a few every week. eventually make a video. woot!

so, remember mrs. w? my psych teacher who i used to go talk to all the time and knows about my disorders? well i was feeling so depressed and overwhelmed today that i went to talk to her after school. i told her about the mood swings, the anxiety, the guilt over drew not knowing about my disorder, everything going on in my mind pretty much (not the sex part. even with her, the coolest teacher ever, just... no lol). she actually put things in a really different perspective.

as for my depression and anxiety, since it's untriggered and very physical as well as emotional, she thinks it's just my body being used to being depressed and anxious. even though it's been months since i was living in a stressful situation at my old house, my body still hasn't caught up and realized, "it's okay to be happy now! nothing bad is going on!" i'll give it a little more time to test this theory because it makes sense. but it really could go either way. did i become depressed and anxious because of my former situation, or did i develop depression and anxiety disorders because of my former situation?

and as for telling drew, she said my guilt was unnecessary. that he doesn't need to know. "he's your boyfriend, not your therapist," she said. i agree with that completely. i don't want his "help," i just feel like he should know, given as serious as we are. i told her this. and she told me the perfect way to tell him: "i want to tell you something because i don't want to hide it from you and i want to be straightforward, i don't want to talk about it, i have eating problems, i don't want you to worry about me, wanna go bowling friday?" i actually like that format. quick, simple, to the point, and then change the subject at the end. i'm still not sure exactly how or when i'm going to tell him, i still don't know for sure if i need to tell him before we have sex, but i think something along these lines would work pretty well.

i wrote this thingy earlier today that i was going to post, but it's depressing and i just feel too okay right now to post it lol. maybe later. enjoy the weedspo, ladies. haha i can't believe no ones started a weedspo movement before. what can i say, i'm a trendsetter. :D

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, February 13, 2011

"cuz lovers dance when they're feelin' in love..."

well, this is what i looked like last night at the dance. 133lbs. haven't shown you guys pix in a while, so i thought this would be a good way to update. god i'm disgusting...

but it was a lot of fun. didn't eat all day before the dance, took pictures at drew's house, drove around with a couple of his friends and smoked a bowl before we went to the dance, left the dance early and went driving around to random places, told andrew i loved him in a mcdonald's parking lot, it was just a really great night.

all that turned around today. after lunch, i literally went in the bathroom, said "fuck this" out loud, and threw up for the first time in days. violently. i dry-heaved at least ten times before i allowed myself to stop. "the bullshit's over, nikki," a voice whispered in my head. "you're not eating anymore. not. any. more."

at work, some dumbass teenagers came in, and i heard one whisper to the other, "looks like someone could use a subway diet." then laughter. i felt my face get hot. more whispering. more giggling. holding back tears. when i told drew what happened, he said, "you're not fat, gorgeous." i almost poured it all out to him right then and there, so tempted to say, "but i feel like i am. all the time. and you wonder why i never eat." but i held it in. i didn't. i don't want to be stopped.

haven't eaten today. don't plan on eating tomorrow. or the rest of this week. i'm putting it off as far as possible. i don't care what andrew waves in my face at lunch. i will refuse.

fuck this shit. i'm fucking done with this.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Saturday, February 12, 2011

"i kinda want to be your first."

drew brought up sex last night. i couldn't believe it. he told me, "i kinda want to be your first."

my head's been running on overload ever since. on top of holding in telling him i love him until tonight, on top of the horrible guilt i've been feeling with him not knowing my disorders, i now have sex officially looming over my head. it's so complicated for me, because i've gone all the way before, but it was with a girl. i didn't have to worry about getting knocked up before. my doctor thinks i have polycystic ovarian disease, which fucks up your hormones and makes it very difficult to get pregnant, but i'm still paranoid. as impulsive as i am, new things make me nervous. i know that i want drew to be my first guy. i trust him so much. i'm just mildly terrified.

i told him that i wanted to, that i wanted him to be the first, but that i was kinda scared about it, and i told him my reasons why. i was scared after i said all that, but his response was incredible. he said it's completely up to me when we have sex, that we'll take the right precautions when the time comes, that he doesn't want to pressure me into anything i'm not ready for, and he was just so sweet about it.

me and molly never really talked about sex beforehand. for us, it felt more like curiosity about going further. the whole time we were together, i never really felt like we were making love. it was always just fucking for the sake of fucking. i have a feeling that it would mean more to drew, that things would be different with him. just out of him wanting to talk about it first and him being okay with waiting for me to think it through showed me that it means more. he knows how big of a deal it is.

i love that feeling of being taken care of. that's how i felt last night when he brought it up, when he said, "i kinda want to be your first." it's like i just wanna let go of everything and give it to him because i know he'll keep me safe.

i'm stuck. i want it, but i'm scared. i feel like such a stereotypical teenage girl. it's just, i've never had to think about this before. most girls are straight, they have from the time they hit puberty til the time they get physical with their boyfriend for the first time to think about it. me? i spent that time period dating a girl and not thinking about sex with guys at all. so now, all of a sudden, i have to think about all that at once. and jeezus, he's 15. i never really think about it, but now when i do, it's like, damn. a 15 year old is more experienced than me. so are most of his friends. so are most of my friends. he's 15 and i'm 17 and i'm acting like a little girl.

i wish i could just poke a hole in my head and pour out some of these thoughts, cuz my head is so full of them and i can't handle it... it's exhausting being so overwhelmed.

and i do remember my deal with myself. even if i want it, i can't have it until i'm in the 120s. could be difficult to get there once drew knows about my ed... gah! it's all tangled up.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Thursday, February 10, 2011

don't you see these secrets screaming behind my eyes?

i'm holding it in. i'm holding it all in like a big hit of weed. every time i'm around him i feel pangs of guilt, and whenever i'm away from him it just comes in waves. at lunch, he dangles pieces of lettuce in front of my face. then shakes a chip bag in my face. pours out chips in front of me, expecting me to eat. puts a smoothie straw to my lips. i can't tell is he's just doing this accidentally, or if he's suspicious. as if he's not sure whether i'm going to eat more than what he sees me eat.

every time he tells me he loves me i just wanna say it back. but it's always over text and i wanna make it in person. so i'm going to tell him saturday. that's not as hard to tell him, but it's just added pressure inside my mind.

idk what to fucking do anymore. goddammit. if i weren't blazed as fuck right now i'd be having a breakdown.

SHIT! YESTERDAY WAS WEDNESDAY! It was supposed to be "weedspo wednesday." dammit... next week. fo shizzle. dammit and i was high yesterday too.

but yeah. this chick at work just out of the blue says she's got a blunt in the car and asks if i wanna smoke. i'm like, "hell yeah mother fucker!" so we did and then these people came in and got sandwiches and one of the guys put his fingers to his mouth and whispered, "did you two just toke it up?" hahahha. shit son.

love you :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

"well, pretty will swallow you forever."

today, at lunch, drew waved a piece of shredded lettuce in my face. "here's your lunch!" he teased. i laughed along, waved it away. outside, i made myself look normal. inside, i was frantic and torn. tellhimtellhimtellhimtellhimnikkiyouneedtotellhim. and after school, when we were sitting listening to my ipod, he put on "creep" by radiohead. the same thoughts went through my mind. i was freaking out on the phone with zack last night, debating and weighing, and obviously zack wants me to tell him. deep down, i know i need to. but i'm scared shitless. i'm not ready to give up ana. nowhere near ready. and i see my friend pixie almost lose her boyfriend over her eating disorder, and see alex and her boyfriend literally yelling at eachother at the lunch table over alex's food, and i just don't want to turn into that. i really don't know what to do.

on another note, molly came over today. one of the first things she said to me was "you look skinnier." she asked if i'd been eating and i said, "more than i used to." when she left, she gave me a hug and picked me up and said, "whoa, you're so light!" because she knows exactly how i got that way, i felt my own little sense of revenge. at the same time, i was confused. because even though the numbers have gone down, i still feel as though i look just as fat as i did 15lbs ago.

only time will tell.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, February 6, 2011

what a weekend


drew asked me back out :)

i don't know the exact details (his cell's been on the fritz so we haven't been able to talk very much this weekend), but apparently the other girl told him she wanted him to ask me back out. so we did. and everything's right again.

and thank god for that, because with all the other shit going on i might've really crashed and burned this weekend.



finally got to weigh myself this morning. still 133lbs. god dammit. it probably (certainly) has something to do with me eating a metric fuck ton of bread last night at a friend's house (we had garlic bread for dinner. for some reason, i allowed myself to eat as much as my friend did. ugh.). i didn't eat much today, just a small scoop of ice cream at daisy's birthday party (she's 1!!). and i worked a long shift, so i had to have burned a lot of calories. fuck, i need to get that damn battery for my scale! after eating nothing monday thru friday cuz of the whole thing with drew, i had to have been lower than 133 before the bread... gah, i'm rambling. my apologies. anyways, back to restricting under 300 cals this week, and working out whenever i have time.



had to deal with tina (my "mom") today, cuz of daisy's birthday party. after i'd been there a few minutes, she came up behind me saying, "do i get a hug?" not bothering to even look in her eyes, i said "no," and walked away. and did my best to hold in the laughter.

i'm such a bitch, but god, that felt good.

well, this post was pretty bipolar. but i've had a long weekend, running on 4 hours of sleep, and, well, yeah you get the point. lol. time for nikki to have her cigarette and go to bed. good night.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Thursday, February 3, 2011

dear drew


i don't know if you'll ever see this. but there are so many thoughts just racing through my head right now. you did your best to make it hurt less but you still left so many questions unanswered. mainly, why her? what does she have that i don't? that's so cliche, but hell, my life has become a fucking taylor swift song, so what else could i expect? do you really want to date her more than you want to be with me? you told me you loved me... is it just curiosity? you liked her for so long, i find myself thinking maybe you just don't want to live your life always wondering what could have been. or are your feelings for her actually stronger than they are for me? you said i made you happiest, what changed? i know you don't want to lose her, but why do you seem less devastated at losing us? just a few nights ago when you left the first time, you said you couldn't sleep. that you felt like half of you was missing. how does it not feel the same this time? you say i'm gorgeous, you say your heart still belongs to me, you swear you're coming back, but i still don't fully understand why you had to leave in the first place. things were perfect. finally really perfect. i felt like we were going somewhere. but then she came along and tore us off that path before we even knew what was on the other side... i'm still faling in love with you. i still know in my heart that i want you to be the first person i truely make love to. i still know you're right for me and this is fate andwe're right for eachother and i thought you felt the same so dammit why her? why aren't i enough? i would do anything, ANYTHING to make you stay. i was going to tell you everything and now i'm scared that if i do it's just going to make you stay away. hiding things from you is hard, and now you want to hide something from the world together. i'm good at keeping secrets, but it's a lot of pressure. god, i'm scared i'm going to fall in love with you before you're mine again. i'm scared i'm going to feel it and it's going to slip from between my lips and you're just going to think i'm saying it because i want you back when really it'll be the first time i say it to someone and actually mean it. maybe i'm in love with you already and i'm just scared of it and pushing it away. i miss your voice... and god i'd give anything to be in your arms right now because it's the only place i feel safe and i'm just scared of everything now. i wish everything didn't have to get so complicated. this tears me up inside. it's like i don't know whether to be happy with the little things you give me - the things you say and the promises you make and the kiss faces splattered all over your texts to me - or cry because i know you're not mine anymore. you're hers now and that hurts me. i act so strong, i put up my front and i guess i've just gotten so good at faking happiness that even you can't tell a difference. we shouldn't have to kiss in secret. i'm going to miss holding your hand on the way to class. i wonder what things you say to her. i wonder if you tell her the same things. i wonder if i'm special at all. i don't want to have to question it, but i do. what, exactly, am i to you?

i wrote this last night. since then, i've realized i'm in love with him, he's realized that she's manipulated him, but we're still stuck in the same mess. my stomach hurts.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

well, he made his decision


well he kinda picked both of us. i can't say much because there are people who read this blog that go to my school and know the people involved, and i've been sworn to secrecy for a lot of it. but i can tell you this: he's going out with her for a little while just to get her to calm the fuck down. he really wants to stay with me, but she's threatening to cut him out of her life completely if he doesn't pick her, and he doesn't wanna lose his best friend. he's promised he'll come back. he still talks to me as if we're going out, calling me "gorgeous" and putting :* faces all over his texts to me. the rest of it i can't tell a soul. we've put a LOT of trust into eachother. it's a good thing i'm the master of keeping secrets.

oh, and btw, guess who's 133.4lbs? THIS CHICK! new lw. fuck yeah. must've burned a shitton of cals at work last night. it's only my second day, and they let me stay til close, working 6 hours total. and no one cares if i smoke at work, even though i'm underage. can you say, "best job ever"?

life isn't perfect, but it's getting better.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Monday, January 31, 2011

"it's me, or her."

drew's best friends with this girl. she's the kind of person who wants want she can't have, and needs drama in her life like oxygen and water. not a good combination. especially when she decides that she likes him, and decides to try to fuck up our whole relationship. after dealing with bullshit drama from her since last night, by the end of the schoolday today she'd told him he had to choose between being with me, or being friends with her. he's been crying on and off all day, i've been on the verge of a breakdown, when i tried to talk to alex she told me i'm "high maintenence" and essentially need to just flip a magic switch in my head and not be upset about anything ever again... everything is going to shit.

at least i got by without eating today. and burned hella calories during my 6 hour shift at work. at least i'm getting closer to thin. maybe if i were already skinny, he wouldn't have to be torn up about it. he'd choose me without a second thought. but no. i'm fat. fuckin' whatever.

this is why i have barely any friends who are girls. too much fuckin' bullshit drama. i hate it.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, January 30, 2011

mommy's anorexic

went to the skating rink with my dad and little sister yesterday (btw, flying around a skating rink running on empty? amazing.). apparently tina (my "mother") has stopped eating again. my little sister lauren said she's been writing down her weight loss on her mirror in lipstick. my dad said she's lost 42lbs. i asked lauren if tina's been eating, and she said, "not really."

there is no fucking way in hell i am going to let her get skinny before me. thank god i have a job now. i can go days without eating. at lunch, drew can just fucking deal with it.

as janice would say, "let's rock this bitch."

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Thursday, January 27, 2011

dear mia: please leave me the fuck alone. you're killing me.

last night, i choked on my own vomit. for those of you who haven't started throwing up yet, i'm begging you not to start. because it's so addictive. and it's so entangling. i don't know how to get by without throwing up. and last night i choked on my own puke. all i can think about is how i could've become one of those fucking stereotyped cases; a girl found dead over a toilet. cause of death: aspiration due to self-induced vomiting. the epitaph reads: fuckup.

why can't i get this through my head? why do i insist on shoving my hands down my throat every single fucking night? why can't i find another way to get out of dinner's calories? my gag reflex is almost gone. its become more of a burden than a release. i miss the days that i didn't NEED mia, that she was a last resort just once in a while. now it's an addiction. i don't want it to kill me. but i'm so scared to stop. i'm so scared i'm going to end up having to eat dinner all the time and get even fatter and then i'll just want to hang myself anyway. but fuck, i mean when i danced to a 4-minute raver song a couple nights ago my chest hurt so bad i was seriously scared i'd finally fucked up my heart. i almost dialed 911.

and today, a panic attack in the bathroom after jumping up from alex's table. i'd just eaten a subway veggie sandwich that my grandma dropped off as a surprise when she brought something i forgot at home. veggies and bread. i had a panic attack over veggies and bread. if i would've just eaten that for the day, i would've been fine. but i freaked out. i'd seen zack just a few tables away, begging to catch his eyes because i knew how he would respond to the panic in mine. but he was too entranced in his girlfriend. and i guess alex was too entranced with her boyfriend because when i texted her from the bathroom stall and told her i was freaking out, she never came. and andrew? he doesn't know a damn thing.

after the sandwich came the ice cream party in group therapy, where alex coaxed me into eating. then got hit with a salad as soon as i got home, and later a damn shake from steak n shake. i was staying after school today til 5pm. i planned on fasting. but, of course, when i finally have an opportunity to fast, i just get bombarded with fucking food.

tomorrow is a new day. tomorrow means change. i'm dying my hair bleach blonde. saturday morning i start my new job (at subway, of course. oh, the irony.). then after work i'm hitting the treadmill with my new scene-raver music (click that link. your mind will be blown. video game music meets techno meets dance/hip-hop meets screamo. and the lyrics are all about sex.). i'm piercing my cartilage this weekend again, too. new me. new nikki. the only thing missing will be thin. and the new me's gonna get there this time. no more fuck ups. no more depending on mia. this time it's forreal. i just wanna be beautiful...

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

ACCEPTED!!!, alex, and sexting ;)

just gotta say, I GOT INTO EDWARDSVILLE! WITH A SCHOLARSHIP THAT WILL COVER HALF MY TUITION! HOLY MOTHER OF SHITFUCK!!!!!!!!!

i had to mention that. :)

anyways, alex and i hung out for a couple hours today. she's skinny enough to pull off bright red and black plaid skinny jeans (i'm so effing jealous.). we sat in some person's driveway near school to smoke. naturally, we ended up talking about ana. she asked me if i'd told drew yet, and i told her that i hadn't, but i've mentioned things. when i told him the whole story with my mom, i included the phrase "food issues" within the 5 page text. he didn't directly respond to that. when he kept giving me shit for bringing a miniscule snack to lunch and always tearing my food into small pieces or taking small bites, i told him i have insecurities with my weight and eating in front of people. he told me he wouldn't joke about it anymore and was sorry even though i swore he didn't need to be (and he really didn't, i take no offense to people telling me i eat too little lol). and he told me he honestly doesn't think i'm fat. and, once again, if he ever directly asked me, i wouldn't lie to him.

it was nice confiding in alex. she understands the whole crying-in-the-bathroom-saying-sorry-to-your-boyfriend-even-though-he-isn't-there-and-doesn't-know-right-before-you-stick-a-finger-down-your-throat-and-puke-your-guts-out-even-though-you-feel-so-guilty-about-it thing. she says she's been slipping up, eating only a yogurt and some carrots at lunch, and her boyfriend's been noticing and bugging her about it. she's fighting for recovery though, for him. she's already pretty damn skinny, frigging 109lbs. as we sat on a bench pointing out skinny girls who passed by, i found myself thinking, "and you're way closer to that than me."

i'm getting there though. 125lbs, here i effing come. i have until february 12. i wanna look good in a dress like this, something edgy, and i'm thinkin' purple:


let's rock this bitch.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, January 23, 2011

feeling better


i'm gonna be working on this blog a lot. today i spent a great deal of the day putting up Ana's Playlist as a blog page. there's A TON of new songs on it, so if you haven't looked at it in a while, you should check it out. i'm also going to bring back Ana's Bookshelf and Ana's Cookbook with some new recipes, a links page, and i'm trying to think of any other pages i could put up. if you guys have any suggestions, just let me know in a comment or email.

i'm feeling much better today. found out that my monthly visitor is probably to blame for last night's devastation. damn periods. they make me so bipolar.

BRIGHT SIDE: woke up this morning, went upstairs, and, including period bloat, found out that i weigh 135lbs. new low weight. fuck to the yeah.

ate low-cal today and managed to get by without needing to puke, despite temptation. honestly, i don't think i'm going to stop altogether, because dinner will still be a problem most nights, but i'm going to get out of the addiction aspect of it. and i have a job now, so once i start working i'll probably be working during dinner time a lot, so i won't have to do it nearly as much.

new diet plan: i don't want to flat out starve all the time, so i won't kill my metabolism. i'm planning on making "lunch" the only calories i ingest for the day. i'm going to eat a varied amount of calories daily, always 300 calories or under (i reallyyyy don't want to eat over 100 calories at one time, but i need the caloric variance for my metabolism. i might end up just bringing 3 100 calorie snacks to school and eating them thoughout the day. whatever.). dinner will get nixed, as usual, and i won't eat the rest of the night. i'm going to start walking on the treadmill for an hour after school (there's no tv in the rec room anymore so my dr. phil plan didn't work before... gonna suck it up and use my ipod for now), start jogging in place every night and work my way up to an hour again, and do 100 crunches and 3 sets of pushups before bed. i might be getting diet pills soon, too (hopefully hopefully hopefully), which will really help. the dance is in 3 or 4 weeks, and my goal is to lose at least 10lbs by then. key words: at least.

as one of my best friends would say, i got this shit on the lock!

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Saturday, January 22, 2011

jumbled thoughts

a new frend spent the night last night. she opened up about her eatingdisorder past, so i opened up about mine. she went all pro recovery bullshit on me and it just annoyed the fuck out of me. when we went upstairs for foodd, i got a 100 calorie bag of diet popcorn. she put half of the gallon of ice cream into a bowl and topped it with whipped cream, sprinkles, fudge and chocolate syrup. i wanted to vomit. and i knew i was going to get bitched at later by one of my grandparents: "did you eat all the ice cream?"

no. fatso did.

drew and his little brother got caught stealing. he's grounded boyend belief. he got in a fist fight with his dad. the only way he has to contact me at all right now is through facebook if his little sister lets him borrow her ipod touch. the one thing that keeps me hapy, keeps me from falling back under that fucking water keeps getting taken away and its not fucking fair. if i could just get more time with him i know i'd fall in love with im cuz i'm so close. and i don't want to fucking drown again.

i'm so dizzy. fuck. i need to stop puking.

i have an irrational fear of feeling full. every time i'm full all i can think about is 'what if my stomach pops." and everytime i puke all i can think is "what if my esophogas ruptures? i don't want to die over a toilet." and drew. drew drew drew. before i puked a few minutes ago i found myself whispering 'i'm sorry" before i stuck my fingers down my throat. an apology he'll never hear.

everything. fuck.

shit.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

weedspo wednesday





pulled a wake-n-bake this morning. god i love weed. even after the actual high wears off, i still just feel overall calmer for the rest of the day. i love this chill feeling.

it was perfect timing, too. this morning from the moment i woke up all i could think about is how ugly i am. after rolling out of bed and taking a piss, at the first glance i caught of myself in the mirror i just wanted to break down. every single little flaw was just screaming at me for some reason.

but if you smoke two bowls before school with your boyfriend and a puerto rican, all of that anxiety goes away.

i was supposed to go get a battery for my scale today, but then the stupid snow started. so my dad wouldn't let me take the car. damn snow. it's so pretty, and i love it, but it's getting in my damn way lately.

valentine's dance will be here before i know it. i'm going to try to keep that in mind and lose as much as i can before then. at least 10lbs. that would put me in the 120s. i'm making myself all these little notes and signs and printing out thinspo to tape all over the back of my door. i'll have to take them down when i'm not here, of course, but they'll keep me motivated while i'm home. i'm gonna start a new thinspo vid too, i haven't made one in forever and a half.

well, off to do some crunches, have a smoke, and hit the sack. night everyone!

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

(p.s. weedspo is my newfound love. badass shit right there. weedspo wednesday may become a regular :D)

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

"diamonds are made under pressure."


my gag reflex is destroyed and i can't breathe in without my teeth hurting. mia will be the death of me. i need to stop, but what other choice do i have? i can't just let dinner settle into my stomach, bubble and digest inside to turn into fat and stick under my skin. that's not an option. but i can feel the alternative wearing my body out. any day now i'm scared i'm going to see blood.



my family keeps making comments. i've been keeping the things i eat besides dinner to reach my cal count for abc (it's like my own variation of the diet, since i can't get out of dinner at all). but if i go up to grab a slice of bread, or an apple, or a few crackers, fucking ANYTHING, i get the third degree from someone. my grandma thinks i eat too much, when little does she know that the 2 snacks i eat each night are the only calories i'm digesting all day. my grandpa is constantly making fat jokes. and my dad gives me a dirty look if i so much as LOOK at a second roll at the dinner table (when it's all leaving my stomach anyway). i realize they don't know what's going on with me, but still. as far as they know, i used to be bulimic. and i have lost over 30lbs. a noticable amount. but it's not good enough. i'm never good enough.



drew told me he loved me last night. it completely blew me away. it's not a bad thing at all, i just wasn't expecting it. we've only been together for a month. and though i'm well on my way to that point with him, i'm not ready to say it yet. i told molly i loved her because she guilt tripped me into it, and looking back, i don't think i ever actually was in love with her, i was in love with being in a relationship. with drew, all the feelings are so much different. more real, more raw and powerful and almost tangible. it's just right. it's the beginnings of love, but not all the way there. the emotions are not the dilemma. the problem is: shouldn't someone who's in love with me deserve to know the whole truth about me? i've been feeling enough nagging in the back of my mind to tell him before this happened. now i feel almost obligated... i'm rather torn. i don't know what to do.

today at lunch i was eating crackers. exactly 8. 110 calories. i broke them up to pop the tiny pieces in my mouth one at a time, just one of my weird eating habits. he noticed. he teased. he might not make anything of it, but with time he might put the pieces together and ask why i eat so strangely, so little, etc. and i already know i'm not going to be able to lie to him.

i feel so many walls closing in on me. i'm not ready to give up ana. i'm nowhere near ready. i want thin. i want that coffee-cigarette-waif dream to become my reality. i want to ride the treadmill down to 105lbs. i want to starve out all the emotions pressed at the back of my throat. i want perfection.

i'm scared that that's all going to be taken away from me.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, January 16, 2011

feeling small

alex spent the night last night. i was expecting her to go all pro-recovery bullshit on me, expected her to give me a dirty look when i didn't eat much of dinner. but she didn't. she didn't exactly indulge herself either. when i excused myself to the bathroom a half hour after dinner, she said nothing, even though i know she heard the water running as soon as i shut the door. we ended up talking about our disorders, as we always do. she's not as pro-recovery as she makes herself out to be. she still fantasizes about thin. but she wants to eat "healthy" for austin. she hasn't thrown up in 3 months. in that sense, she is stronger than me. and she's still 114. we haven't hung out since the fall, and when she put on pajama shorts i noticed how fucking SKINNY her legs have gotten compared to the last time i saw them. her thighs no longer touch. she told me her hipbones stick out now when she stands, said, "look, feel them! there's no fat there at all!" i want that so badly... those are my two main concerns: for my thighs not to touch anymore, and for my hipbones to stick out. those two things, i want more than anything. those two things mean thin.

i've become addicted to marianas trench, this awesome band i discovered on youtube the other night. i downloaded almost all their music. they're amazing. the sound is great, the guy's voice is amazing, and the lyrics are so raw. a lot of the songs reflect the (male, mind you) lead singer's struggles with bulimia and anorexia. "i lock the door, turn the water on, and bury that sound, so no one hears anything anymore..." i strongly suggest you look them up. the best ana/mia related songs are "feeling small," "fix me," and "skin & bones." i'll have them on "Ana's Playlist" soon.

i'm going to see black swan today. i'm so effing excited. natalie portman is gorgeous, and such a thinspiration. she had to lose a bunch of weight and spend a year learning ballet, just for this movie. it's gotten so much hype, i just hope it lives up to the expectations. i think it will though. woot!

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Friday, January 14, 2011

star-crossed lovers


"Tis torture, and not mercy. Heaven is here
Where Juliet lives, and every cat and dog
And little mouse, every unworthy thing,
Live here in heaven and may look on her,
But Romeo may not."

yesterday, drew got in a huge fight with his grandma (he lives with his grandparents). apparently his grades are not up to her standard. she absolutely flipped shit on him. she told him she wanted him to break up with me. when he refused, it just made her more mad. she took his phone away so he wouldn't be able to talked to me, forbid him to see me, and even made him take off the bracelet i made him. he's completely grounded, isn't allowed to stay after school for any reason, so there's absolutely no way for us to see eachother outside of school.

he promised me a few days ago that he'd stay with me through the good and the bad, because that's what he believes you're supposed to do when you care about someone as much as we care about eachother. he brought that up last night, and told me that he would keep that promise.

frankly, it just sucks. drew's been the one thing that always takes away all my stress, worries, sadness, any negative thing in my head. but now this whole situation just adds to the stress. i already miss him. this weekend we have monday off, which happens to be our one-month mark, and we're not going to be able to see eachother at all. i don't even know how much we're going to be able to talk to eachother.

i guess the only option is to fast the pain away.

i'm in one of those poetic depressed moods, in case you couldn't tell. fuck. i might dig into my prozac stash tonight.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

i just want to fly


katerina and i started ABC today. i got by with 420 cals. even with a little more food in my system than i'm used to, the depression is hitting again. ugh.

alex is pressuring me to tell drew everything. but we haven't had a serious conversation about our pasts or anything yet. we've dipped our feet in the water, venting to eachother about the little things, we talked a bit about my scars, but we haven't dove in to swim yet. alex has gone all pro-recovery because of her boyfriend. she actually had the nerve to say those classic lines to me, "just eat healthy and exercise." she of all people should know it isn't that simple. and it's easy for her. she quit once she got thin. me? there's still 32lbs between me and contentedness. apparently i can't go to her anymore.

she's made it pretty clear that if i don't tell andrew myself, she's going to do it for me. but how am i supposed to open up like that, expose my biggest secret, my hidden self, when he hasn't opened up to me hardly at all? just the other day, i found out that a few years ago his mother told him she was going to the store to buy some milk, and then never came back. i found this out from his friend; they were making jokes about it after he had to see her the other night.

if he asked me any question about anything, i wouldn't lie to him. he has the key that will unlock everything i keep shut away inside. all he has to do is put it in the lock and turn. but i doubt he even knows the key is in his hand.

and how will he react? i've left a poll up on golivewire.com (a teen support / anti-bordome forum) asking guys how they would react if they found out that their girlfriend or a girl they really liked had an eating disorder. 79% said they would stay with the girl. 11% said they would cut and run, and 8% said they would want to just be friends. where would drew lie?

he says he cares about me more than he's ever cared about any other girl. he calls me gorgeous and perfect countless times a day. he says he loves my body, simple as that. as much as this stuff warms me inside and makes me smile, i can't help but think, like the flyleaf lyrics, "how can you look at me when i can't stand myself?"

and if he knew me, the real me, would he ever see me the same? of course not.

another problem, i'm nowhere near wanting recovery. i'm very firmly set in my ways. my body, my choice. i'll feed it or starve it as i please. i've decided to try to cut back on purging, just because that puts so much wear and tear on my body (this is the first day since i got back from california that i haven't purged), and ana boot camp will actually have me eating more calories than i usually do. so less purging, wayyy less days of total starvation, is that enough of a comprimise? i mean fuck, just running on 420 calories i feel too full.

after all, i just want to fly.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

(P.S. yes, that is one of my drawings)

Monday, January 10, 2011

sad


i did this months ago. the last time i slipped up.

i'm so fucking close to doing it again.

i think i need pills. but even if i could get my dad to notice me for long enough to tell him, he can't afford it. he can't even afford to get divorced. apparently the credit card companies are psycho-calling the other house. he's going to declare bankrupcy soon. he has enough on his plate. does he really need a crazy daughter on top of that?

and i don't want to become some wacked-out pill zombie.

i'm just terrified. of everything.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

dear nikki, here's the deal.

you are fat. it's as simple as that. and you know it. yet you lack the fucking self-control you need to get thin. you have the drive, the determination, you can plan out every little detail of a diet or workout routine, but you don't fucking follow through. you can go 6 days without digesting anything, and then let yourself eat 2 plates of food at a family breakfast outing? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

do you realize that i am inside your head? that i know all your thoughts? every want, every dream, every desire, fear, every little thing inside your mind, i know it all. so here's the deal, nikki. you've been thinking about sex. i know you have, so don't deny it. you think you're getting closer and closer every day to falling in love, to being ready to take that leap.

you can't remember the first time you had sex with molly. it wasn't that memorable, was it? what do you remember besides feeling too fat? do you want it to be the same way with andrew? he's already seen you naked, and i'm surprised he's not disgusted by you. i'm shocked, in fact, that he says he likes your body.

he's lying, nikki. i don't care if your heart says he's not. I SAY he's lying. he wishes you were thinner, nikki. he's not going to fall in love with you until you're perfect.

it's going to take you a couple months or so to want to go all the way with him, so i'm giving you a very fair warning. you're not allowed to have sex with him until you're thin. 120 or lower. that's a little less than 20lbs away. not perfection, but much closer.

so think about that next time you want a fucking potato chip.

Love,
Ana

the worst and the best

yesterday was godawful. i mean really, really awful. i was supposed to have drew, alex and her boyfriend over for a fun double-date night. then drew's grandma wouldn't let him come over, so we changed it to just alex coming and spending the night. then she got the stomach flu. so i ended up spending the night alone. of course, i spent it alone at the worst timing possible. the depression started to hit in 6th period and got progressively worse. by late afternoon, i was sobbing for no reason and had a horrible urge to cut again. i had a full-blown panic attack before i finally calmed down. once i hit that low point, it was an hour that felt like days. and andrew knows nothing about the whole thing.

even though i wasn't at that super low point, i was still down for almost the rest of the night. my dad ordered each of us a pizza for dinner. i thought we were going to spend some time together since he was finally spending time at home for the evening and my grandparents were gone. sitting around, eating pizza, playing guitar hero. then when the pizzas got here, he just handed mine to me and said, "you eatin' downstairs, i guess?" and walked up the stairs. i'm fucking invisible to him. i ate the whole pizza. then threw the whole thing up.

i couldn't stand up. i sat on the floor of the bathroom and every time i tried to pull myself up my legs were just too weak. i was depressed and miserable and felt like shit. i texted zack, just telling him i was having a shitty day. when he asked why, i explained the depression, my dad, eating an entire pizza, throwing an entire pizza up without even thinking about it. he called me. talked to me for half an hour while i was sitting on that floor. "you're killing yourself from the inside out," he said, "and i just wish you could see that you're so much better than that. you're my best friend; i care about you so much." he said all these amazing things about me and it made me cry. i hate that i'm hurting him.

but at least he sees me. when you start to disappear, everyone sees.

i thought about it, and i realized that i hadn't digested anything since last saturday. 6 days. and i feel so much thinner. i wish i knew what i weighed. i feel so powerful. even today, i only had 2 pieces of thin crust pizza at drew's house.

on that note, about half an hour after said pizza dinner, drew's grandparents (he lives with them) left for the evening. and into his room we went. all that sexual tension that's been building up this week (have you ever sexted for 7 hours? i have!) was finally released, like when you let out a deep breath you've been holding in. it was scary, but exciting, nerve-wracking, but fun. i feel like it brought us closer. and even though i felt like i had no idea what the fuck i was doing (remember, i've only been physical with a guy ONE TIME, stupid dan), drew thought i was a pro. we didn't go all the way, far from that. he fingered me and went down on me and i gave him a handjob (i could tell he wanted a bj, but honestly, i'm terrified of that at the moment, i'm still getting used to the whole dick idea lol).

that wasn't the best part of the night tho. the moment i find my mind going back to most, the part that i was happiest, was just laying on the couch in his rec room together. we had our arms around eachother and i was just running my fingers through his hair. i felt warm, finally. my head was on his chest and i could hear his heart beating and our bodies molded perfectly together. and every once in a while he'd just say something sweet out of the blue. "i like you a lot." "you're amazing." "you have really pretty eyes." always with a smile. or i'd just look up at him randomly and he'd kiss me softly. in that moment, that small lapse of time, my world was perfect. everything was right.

i'm falling so fast. fast and hard. i've told him this, and he's said he's waiting to catch me at the bottom. i'm not there yet, but i just know that given a little time, it's going to happen. i'm falling in love with him.

this is something real.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

"my focus shall not fail."

i find not distractions, live life of single mind
and failure is not inherent, for I will have what's mine
i'll struggle and sacrifice, should i find value there
i'll not be scorned by failure, i'll not relent

now my conscience shall dictate my way
no more apologies, no more mistakes
now solid direction has strengthened my resolve
fear not for consequences

 

fear not at all my focus shall not fail
I shall not fall and nor shall I despair

 

exist no more distractions, exist no more delays
set free from inhibitions, set solid on my way
now set forth with purpose and with a strong resolve

fear not for consequences

 

fear not at all my focus shall not fail...

 

 
these are lyrics from "focus shall not fail" by all that remains. the lyrics and the thrashy music just combine together to paint a perfect picture of the raw, angry determination pulsing through my mind right now.
 

 

no more pissing around. i'm changing me, inside out. i'm going to be powerful, have self-control. i'm going to look prettier. i'm going to dress bold and edgy. i'm going to be thin. i'm going to be the version of ME that i want to be, goddammit.
 

 

i will not fucking fail.
 

 

tomorrow i'm starting 02468 and i'm going to continue until i stop seeing results that i want. i'm going to go to the store (because i can drive myself now) as soon as i can and buy a fucking battery for my scale. i'm going to start exercising every day and night. i'm going to count calories religiously. if i break from my plan, there will be fucking punishment. i'm going to follow that water plan to the T. i'm going to buy supplements and celery and slimfast and tell my grandma's cooking to go fuck itself in the garbage disposal because it will not be entering my mouth.
 

 
i shall NOT FAIL.
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox