Friday, December 3, 2010

twitch

yesterday i got a note from my mom. she'd given it to my dad to give to me. it was full of bullshit, just guilt-tripping me into feeling sorry for her, just two sheets of cursive lies. it didn't work. when i saw her today at lauren's choir concert, i had nothing to say. i ignored her from two seats away. when she squeezed my shoulder and tried to say hello, i just mumbled "hi," and looked away. why does she not understand she means nothing to me and i just want her gone?

molly texted me out of the blue. she asked, "do you ever think of me?" i didn't know how to respond. i do think of her, but not often. only when i'm reminded of some memory of her. i don't miss her. i don't love her anymore. so when she called at almost midnight, for some reason i just decided to say "what the hell," and pick it up. she says she misses me like crazy. she asked how i've been and i just said, "how do you think." she talked about her girlfriend and i talked about dan. she asked about daisy and how the whole divorce thing is going. but i just didn't feel like talking to her. it's like, by giving her what she wants, i'm just giving her the power. power she doesn't deserve.

my hand has been randomly twitching all day. usually i'd have muscle spasms back when i was throwing up all the time (it results from electrolyte imbalance), but i've only been throwing up once a day maximum. my friend kat later told me that it's my body eating away at my muscle to fuel itself. why can't it just eat away all this fat first?

my hand started twitching after school when i was working on a project with zack. i mumbled, "dammit, there it goes again." he immediately asked, "when's the last time you ate?" i replied, "yesterday." and promptly changed the subject back to the project.. he didn't forget though. when he left, he said, "bye nikki. eat something." as if it were that simple... honestly, i'm just not in the mood to eat.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

2 comments:

  1. Babe even though I am so not allowed to say this, the twitching is a sign that you're losing, losing much and fast.
    And I am honestly jealous, I am now wishing that my stupid hand would twitch, but in stead of that all I hear is my stomach growling which both annoys and amuses me.

    The molly issue is something you have to be careful with, because I know what's like to trust people over and over again, and at a certain point they're so used to hurting you that they will stop noticing how much they are tearing you down. Be strong hon, you're going through a rough time but you know where to find me.


    Love, xx

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  2. eat somthing cause if you dont you might get worse or somthing. have a yogurt or a salad but somthing even if you puke it up at least you tried to eat. and sorry i havent commented on your page much the past weeks but i only get to read it if its during school and when the teacher ms. stoup is not looking.

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