Monday, December 6, 2010

a thank you, an apology, an explanation

first of all, THANK YOU. thank you to everyone who commented on this blog, or my facebook, or e-mail, i even got a 12-page text message. i don't know what i would do without this community, without all of you. thank you, so much.

second of all, i'm sorry if i worried or scared any of you.

third of all, i think i owe you an explanation.

over the past few days, i've been hitting really hard depressions. these mood swings just hit me out of nowhere. like a brick in the face, BAM, i'm so sad, so low, so black, i can't see any light. it's strange because there's no trigger, no running thoughts for fuel, it just comes and goes as it pleases, like some sick shadow casting itself over my mind. this is what led to my panic attack the other night. i don't know if this has been happening due to not eating very much (i've been eating/keeping 300 cals a day max), due to purging, lack of sleep... i'm going to start journaling everything i eat, how much sleep i get, whether i purge, caffeine intake, ANYTHING that could possibly trigger this. first a two-day fast to clear my head, then we'll see how i feel, if i need to maybe add some fruits/veggies/slimfast to keep the lows away.

anyways, yesterday had a couple specific triggers that just added to the problem, as miniscule and stupid as they were. they just added to that feeling of loneliness that i just can't handle. first i got on facebook in the morning to find out one of my supposed best friends had a birthday party saturday night that i wasn't invited to.

WACK.

then i found out a mutual friend talked to dan, asking him "what's up with you and nikki?" and he said, "she's just become my best friend. it's nothing. really."

SLAM.

i hit the pavement hard. i'm still so confused. what the fuck happened?

* * *

but today was a new day. and there is a possibility of a new boy.

i don't know if i mentioned him before, but i'll tell the story again, just in case. we hung out over the summer a lot, going down to the neighborhood near school to smoke cigarrettes (and sometimes weed) before summer school. we talked, i bummed him cigs, etc. once school started, he had a girlfriend. we hung out at lunch and he pretended to be my boyfriend to keep my creepy stalker at bay. one day we got talking on facebook after me and molly broke up, and he admitted he'd had this huge crush on me over the summer but was too chicken to do anything, especially since i was with molly at the time. he said he thought i was beautiful and said some other sweet things... nothing over the line of what you could say to a girl while you have a gf, but it was still sweet.

well i ran into him today. he gave me a hug and the first thing out of his mouth was, "guess what, i'm single!"

here we go... :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

(i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!)

6 comments:

  1. Stay strong my little motherfucker! (I'm in a foul mood) ha ha ha

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  2. Oh babes I am happy for you that this guy is single now! It surely is a thing that brightens up the mood innit?
    I'm so happy and relieved that when I woke up I saw your comment on my blog, realizing you were okay. NOW. I'll give you me email, so the next time you can email me if you'd like!!

    Anna_1993_@hotmail.com

    It's good that you are logging things, hopefully this will somehow help you to realize what's causing those damned panic attacks, and after that you just have to get rid of it! But I am sure you can do this, I am absolutely sure that you are more than just able to pull yourself out of that dark hole, you are going to jump out of it like a rockstar.
    :)

    Love, xx

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  3. I'm glad you haven't had any more panic attacks love. That's really horrible of your friend... And stuff Dan... New boy for the win! Good luck darling, I hope you start to feel better <3 even just a little bit. Baby steps =]

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  4. wow hopefully things with dan head ni the right direction cause you need something to cheer you up.

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  5. act fast before he gets away again! XD Seriously, I'm glad you're okay.

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  6. Glad ur okay. I was worried tht ud leave us. Stay strong and think thin as always. Think about what u still r going to accomplish and how far uv come and it will keep u from quitting.

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