Thursday, December 23, 2010

pause.

let's just hit pause. right here. right at this very moment. so i can think. fast-forward to tonight, when i get to see drew. skip the pizza scene. pause. stay with him for a while. fast-forward to christmas eve.

stop.

eject disc.

i don't want christmas morning to come.

am i the only person on the planet who's dreading christmas? i absolutely just don't want christmas morning to exist this year. it's supposed to be great this time around, right? it's my last christmas at home, i have a boyfriend, we're supposed to get snow...

rewind. here's the story: while cuntmuffin was gone for a job interview, i went over to my old house to grab my swimsuit for california and some other things. my dad was over there with lauren (the 9 year old, in case you forgot) and daisy (have i mentioned she's walking??? it's adorable!!). lauren gave me a huge hug when i walked in the door. when i went to hold daisy, she cried and squirmed away from me. my own sister doesn't recognize me anymore. it's been eating at me ever since... i feel like i'm the worst sister in the world... before i left, lauren told me, "you're invited to christmas breakfast. please come!" and i told her i'd think about it.

every year, we've done the same thing on christmas. as long as i can remember. me and lauren would wake up early. we were allowed to open only our stockings until everyone got there. my grandparents would come over and bring donuts to eat while we waited to open presents. then we'd dig into the gifts. around 10 or 11 cuntmuffin's aunt and uncle (and her dad, before he died) would come over for a big breakfast. we even had the same foods every year: bacon-potato-egg casserole, sausage, biscuits, gravy, and toast. then after everyone left we'd mess around with our new presents until we went to my grandparents' for dinner, opened presents again and played cards and this present-trading game.

play. this year, everything's going to be different. EVERYTHING. it's not like i want to go back to the same tradition, but that unknown kinda scares me. i've never even been the biggest fan of christmas. i remember in 8th grade i cut myself right after opening presents, no idea why. my parents always fight on christmas, like any other day. but i don't know what's to come this year. at least all the years before i knew what to expect. but i don't this year. i don't even know what to do about christmas morning.

i feel like a horrible sister. and i know that if i don't go, it's just going to support that statement. but if i do go, i'll have to deal with HER. she got me a birthday present (a hideous shirt and a gift card), so i know she got me christmas presents. what the hell are you supposed to do when someone who's dead to you buys you a truckload of presents (she always buys a truckload... she makes up for her rough childhood of foodstamps and hand-me-downs by spoiling her own kids)? i suspect she'll try to hug me again, like last time we saw eachother. i know i'll recoil. she's definately going to try to talk to me, considering she's written me a note and sent text messages, and even sent over a box of 9-month-old chocolates with a note written on the box. but i have nothing to say to her. every time she "reaches out" to me, i just want to send a fat "FUCK YOU" back. i know i'm going to be holding in rage from the second i walk through the door. and what if i blow? what if i blow up at her right in front of lauren? i can't, but shit, a person can only hold it in for so long...

i'm sick of playing nice. i'm sick of pretending. the best thing about moving here has been that i haven't had to. but now everyone's pushing me to go over there for lauren's sake. i know that's probably the right thing to do as a sister... but what about my dignity? and why feed my "mother's" delusions that everything is going to go back to normal if she pulls the Nice Mom act for long enough?

godfuckingdammitidon'tknowwhatthefucktodo.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

P.S.: liquid fasting til xmas with my closest ana buddy, and after i get back from california me and alex are going to do one together to kick off the new year. anyone wanna join? we gotta beat this holiday-gain bullshit.

10 comments:

  1. I'm always in. Burnt 400 calories at the gym in 40 minutes

    ReplyDelete
  2. I would say go, for your sister. she loves you and wants to be with you. I don't think your mother should stand in the way of you guys having a relationship.

    I would love to join your liquid fast to kick off the new year, but i can't until christmas. I'm under too much scrutiny at the moment :]

    merry christmas :]
    xoxo
    zoey

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was the little sister in this situation. My older sister had an eating disorder, moved out of our house and fought explosively with my mom. It was terrible, and I was really young. My relationship with my sister was seriously damaged by her absence, and we're just now getting back on solid ground. i always felt like she'd abandoned me to the wolves. Don't do that to your sister.

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  4. Go home for Christmas. And if your mum puts on a nice mom act, put on a nice sister act. Sorry, I know it sucks but it's part of growing up and being there for your sisters. Go and pretend to have a nice day. And be at least civil to everyone! I was similar situation, little sister, and to be honest... Now I'm 19 and realise I neve really even had a sister. Go and be there for them, it's worth putting up with your mum.

    He'll yeah on the liquids fast =]

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  5. Everyone's said it already, but..

    ...please go. Not only for your sister, but for yourself as well. You deserve to have memories of spending X'mas 2010 with your sisters.

    You can still be dignified and gracious despite your mum's presence. I know she has hurt/infuriated you many times before previously, but in the spirit of Christmas, don't reject her outright?

    Merry X'mas! (:

    *hugs*

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  6. You should definitely go.
    Your mother is a horrid bitch and you shouldn't have to put up with her. But more than that, you shouldn't let her control your life. And if you abandon your siblings because she's going to be there, she's just ruling over you more.
    You shouldn't go just to prove you're better than her either, though.
    Disregard her presence, and then ask yourself if you want to go.
    If so, go.
    If not, don't.
    Easier said than done, hm?

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm not looking forward to Christmas either. :/
    but (as everyone has said) go. its a good idea because of 'anonymous's reason (omg I felt so bad after reading that) so I think you should go to try and keep a good reletionship with your sister. You never know what you'll miss out on if you dont go.
    <3

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  8. I'm down to fast my dear! Lets do it! How long after Christmas?!

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  9. I know it's late but I must say I wasn't looking forward to Christmas either. I'm new to this and my family loves two things: food and edible things. I can't fast, I end up binging but I will go as low as I can.

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  10. I want to do the liquid fast! But I never have before and my parents keep their eyes on me EVERY second. Any tips on how to get around that while I'm visiting relatives for new years! I'll join ya best I can!
    And be there for your sis. Trust me, you won't regret it years from now. It's important
    Love! <3

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