Thursday, December 23, 2010
i don't want christmas morning to come.
am i the only person on the planet who's dreading christmas? i absolutely just don't want christmas morning to exist this year. it's supposed to be great this time around, right? it's my last christmas at home, i have a boyfriend, we're supposed to get snow...
rewind. here's the story: while cuntmuffin was gone for a job interview, i went over to my old house to grab my swimsuit for california and some other things. my dad was over there with lauren (the 9 year old, in case you forgot) and daisy (have i mentioned she's walking??? it's adorable!!). lauren gave me a huge hug when i walked in the door. when i went to hold daisy, she cried and squirmed away from me. my own sister doesn't recognize me anymore. it's been eating at me ever since... i feel like i'm the worst sister in the world... before i left, lauren told me, "you're invited to christmas breakfast. please come!" and i told her i'd think about it.
every year, we've done the same thing on christmas. as long as i can remember. me and lauren would wake up early. we were allowed to open only our stockings until everyone got there. my grandparents would come over and bring donuts to eat while we waited to open presents. then we'd dig into the gifts. around 10 or 11 cuntmuffin's aunt and uncle (and her dad, before he died) would come over for a big breakfast. we even had the same foods every year: bacon-potato-egg casserole, sausage, biscuits, gravy, and toast. then after everyone left we'd mess around with our new presents until we went to my grandparents' for dinner, opened presents again and played cards and this present-trading game.
play. this year, everything's going to be different. EVERYTHING. it's not like i want to go back to the same tradition, but that unknown kinda scares me. i've never even been the biggest fan of christmas. i remember in 8th grade i cut myself right after opening presents, no idea why. my parents always fight on christmas, like any other day. but i don't know what's to come this year. at least all the years before i knew what to expect. but i don't this year. i don't even know what to do about christmas morning.
i feel like a horrible sister. and i know that if i don't go, it's just going to support that statement. but if i do go, i'll have to deal with HER. she got me a birthday present (a hideous shirt and a gift card), so i know she got me christmas presents. what the hell are you supposed to do when someone who's dead to you buys you a truckload of presents (she always buys a truckload... she makes up for her rough childhood of foodstamps and hand-me-downs by spoiling her own kids)? i suspect she'll try to hug me again, like last time we saw eachother. i know i'll recoil. she's definately going to try to talk to me, considering she's written me a note and sent text messages, and even sent over a box of 9-month-old chocolates with a note written on the box. but i have nothing to say to her. every time she "reaches out" to me, i just want to send a fat "FUCK YOU" back. i know i'm going to be holding in rage from the second i walk through the door. and what if i blow? what if i blow up at her right in front of lauren? i can't, but shit, a person can only hold it in for so long...
i'm sick of playing nice. i'm sick of pretending. the best thing about moving here has been that i haven't had to. but now everyone's pushing me to go over there for lauren's sake. i know that's probably the right thing to do as a sister... but what about my dignity? and why feed my "mother's" delusions that everything is going to go back to normal if she pulls the Nice Mom act for long enough?
stay strong, think thin, live ana
P.S.: liquid fasting til xmas with my closest ana buddy, and after i get back from california me and alex are going to do one together to kick off the new year. anyone wanna join? we gotta beat this holiday-gain bullshit.
at 1:33 PM