Monday, November 22, 2010
zack knows i relapsed. found out last night. but i really don't care... i'm not going to run to him every time i get depressed about my ED this time. i'm just going to leave it all unspoken. i'm not going to let him stop me this time. he's one of the few people who can talk me into eating. and he knows it. i won't have it. not this time.
my mom texted me in the middle of the day saying "miss u." after 3 days of hearing nothing from her, after 3 days that she called only to yell at my dad and never asked about me, she had the nerve to say that. that's bullshit. me and my dad went over to the house and i didn't even say a word to her. she told me she'd gotten me ice cream and i just kept walking to my room to pack up all my clothes. like a fucking text and ice cream will win me over. whatever... i later told lauren she could have the ice cream. when we left, i ignored the "bye nikki!" that echoed from my mom's bedroom. she's just so FAKE. she wants everyone to love her because she knows she's unloveable so she just tries to buy everyone's affection. one day she needs to realize it doesn't work that way.
i saw dan after school.. that was the highlight of my day. i have so much fun with him. i noticed that when a big group of us went for a walk and smoke after school, dan always made sure he was walking next to me. when i stole his hat off his head to spray my perfume on it, he just pressed it to his face. he's started making more physical contact too, in a joking way, but that's still a clue. resting his chin on my shoulder when i'm trying to film (my movie project is the reason we even hang out in the first place), a gentle shove out of the way, brushing arms while we walk next to eachother. when i was telling him about how i have the whole basement to myself now, he said "dude, we need to hang out sometime!" i'm really starting to think he likes me back. alex agrees. :)
speaking of alex, she admitted to me today she's back into her eating disorder. she's restricting to 700 calories a day, and i can tell she's struggling because she's always talking about how hungry she is and asking if anyone has food. but she's obviously trying. when i told her about me and one of my ana buddies making a deal to eat the same amount of calories every day, she said, "that's so cool!" i have a feeling once she's ungrounded we're going to make one hell of a team. with my anna buddies and alex, i just feel really supported. and motivated. the thing about making a deal to eat the same cals every day, you don't want to make the other person eat.
alex told me her goal weight is 95lbs... we're the same height. every day my GW of 110lbs seems fatter and fatter. i'm starting to want double digits instead. i don't want my best friend to be skinnier than me. maybe we can make a deal to be the same. both of us, 95-pound fairies. we'll fly together. i don't want to weigh down my wings.
stay strong, think thin, live ana
at 11:30 PM