Friday, November 19, 2010

please, just let me have one good thing...

today after school me, alex and dan all hung out. apparently alex talked to him, said she'd noticed us flirting a lot. he acted surprised. when she asked if he liked me, he said "i don't know!" she said he seemed hasty, like he was avoiding admitting anything. there's a possibility there,  but i just don't want to get my hopes up, knowing what always happens. we're toking together monday, i'll get some alone time with him for the first time so i guess we'll see where that goes.

i've noticed alex giving almost all her food away at the lunch table lately. today she ate one square of pizza and a couple oreos before telling me "friday's my free day." later in the afternoon she told me she threw up a sandwich after school. she later said she wrote a quote from "creep" by radiohead on her wall. "i don't care if it hurts, i wanna have control, i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul." she's definately back in her disorder. we might end up making one hell of a real life team.

i'd love just one thing to go right. let me find someone. let me be thin. let me have SOMETHING.

my mom found out my dad was seeing a divorce lawyer. she promptly kicked him out of the house. i found this out when he picked me up after hanging out with alex and dan after school. i don't even have extra clothes. we're staying at my grandma's, the same one i stayed with over the summer. i'm so afraid... i hate not knowing what's happening. i feel so out of control. i don't even know how i'm going to get around eating while i'm here. and i'll most likely be here until i leave for college. i have to figure out an entirely new system... and i guess i'm focused on that because i don't want to think about everything else that's changing. i already miss my sisters...

i'm just sitting in this living room by myself. i feel so lonely.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

3 comments:

  1. I hope you get thee guy you like, you deserve someone special (:

    And you could make up food allergies, or go vegan?

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  2. Babes, I hope you are okay, you can do this, don't worry. It takes time, and it is great to know someone in real life I suppose..
    As far as your family goes, honey, stay strong, what you're going through is horrible but all you can do is just close your eyes and let it happen.
    Love, xx

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