Sunday, November 14, 2010

"let's go, don't wait, this night's almost over, honest, let's make this night last forever."

after getting lost on the way to jay's house and arriving 30 fashionable minutes late, he gave me a hug as soon as he saw me. we waved goodbye to zack, who'd given me a ride, and went inside. his house smelled like boy. as i looked at him, i realized how much he'd grown over the summer. how much older he looked. it's been a long time since i've found a guy physically attractive, and something with jay just struck me. i hope he didn't notice my stares. or, if he did, that he didn't mind. i was so nervous and excited and just overall jumping around inside. "you're so mouse-y tonight," he said, smiling.
when he turned off the lights to watch a movie, i noticed he'd lit a candle. he blamed it on his house smelling like dog and i rolled my eyes at him. we only half watched the movie, too busy talking, catching up, telling stories, goofing off. we were shoving eachother back and forth on the couch and he put me in a headlock, then leaned back leaving one arm behind. "oh, i see you just wanted to put your arm around me," i said, laughing. "well," he replied, "i was gonna do the whole yawn thing, but i figured that'd be kinda corny."
he was so warm. i could hear his heartbeat.
we talked. we laughed. we shot fireworks out of a basketball hoop cannon, and he held my hand when we were walking in the dark. we got in an hour and a half long tickle fight. the night went by too fast. at one point we were staring at eachother, forheads pressed together after another round of tickling, and he told me i have pretty eyes. i smiled inside and out.
we had the whole house to ourselves for four hours. and the most he did was put his arm around me and give me a hug. did that leave me wanting more? of course. but it also just proved to me how sweet of a guy he is. i can really see myself with this one.
i dyed my hair blonde today, symbolic of a new me. brighter, happier. it's a new chapter of my life.
but i wonder if ana will be waiting on the next page.
i still want to be skinny. i still want bones. i just feel like i've lost my drive. without all the stress, without the turbulent relationship that left me constantly wanting either revenge or perfection or a reason to be tethered to the ground, i've yet to find a place for ana in this new world i'm constructing for myself. i guess i'm a little lost. not really in recovery, but not really disordered anymore either. do i want to go back? a lot of me says yes. part doesn't want to let ana tear me and jay apart too, if we get together. but there's still that part inside my mind that wants to be skinny FOR him. right now he's thinner than me, lost 20lbs over the summer. i'm going to start counting calories tomorrow, so i'm fully aware of everything i put in my mouth, rather than just going with the flow when it comes to food. i'm going to shoot for 300 calories tomorrow. typing this, i realize i'm not ready to let go of ana just yet. i still want to be as close to 120 as possible by new years. can i just tattoo it on my forhead that i'm going to be on international TV in a month and a half???
i just can't stop thinking about jay... :)
stay strong, think thin, live ana
p.s. i'm definately not a lesbian anymore, but bisexual doesn't seem like the right fit either. maybe i'm pan?? gah, stupid labels!


  1. Awe!
    Ok this whole post sounds sooo sweet! I am so envious of your night and being that close without him being a perve. Thats beyond rare!

  2. Congrats Nikki! I'm so glad for you!I wish I could find a guy like that. And you tottaly deserve him. When you give up Ana I still hope you post!Sorry I just love them so much!Good luck with everything!Love ya hun! :P

  3. stay stong, but stay happy

  4. Aaah sounds so good!
    I am so happy for you,


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