Sunday, November 7, 2010

haunted by the past, going with the flow, partying, and deletion


i found out that my dad was flying out to washington d.c. for the weekend again. remember what happened last time?

i told him i wasn't going to be home the whole weekend. he said that was fine with him. and thank god for that.

but monday, i go to court to testify against the fatso. for what happened last time. finally, the truth will be said. and if i get the right people to believe me, it could help my dad win custody of my sisters.

but what if i fail?


remember tara? (i think that's the code name i gave her.) she's one of molly's friends and used to have a thing for me. a while back when me and molly were in one of our open relationship periods me and tara flirted a lot, but it died out before we did anything. well, i hung out with her friday. we were sitting on the couch in her living room, and i mentioned that i'd only ever kissed one person: molly.

she leaned over and kissed me on the lips.

"well," she said with a smile. "you can't say that anymore, can you?"

when it came time to discuss where we stood, i told her that my new outlook on life is to just go with the flow. i don't want a relationship with anyone right now, because i've lost my trust in that. and neither of us have feelings for eachother. so we're just friends who happen to kiss eachother for fun.

there's also dan. we met because he's acting in my scary movie that i'm filming. friday there was this whole ordeal with his hat. i found it lying on the floor outside one of my classes and picked it up, not knowing it was his. when i saw him in the hall later that day, he told me "nikki! i lost my hat!" and i showed him what i'd found and said, "oh, you mean this one?" he freaked out but got pushed down the hallway by the human traffic. i winked at him and said i was holding it hostage. he ended up chasing me around the parking lot after school and finally decided to let me have custody for the weekend. we ended up texting until 1:30 in the morning, and he actually opened up to me. we got into a deep conversation. when i told him i had trouble trusting people, he said "i promise no matter what it is i'll always be here for you." i still have it saved in my phone... he told me i'm the only one he's ever told that he cries sometimes. this could be the beginning of something... :)  [in case you're confused, i'm taking this opportunity to take a guy for a spin. dan is a nosexbeforemarraige type, so there's none of that pressure. he's just a sweet kid, and i'm going to give it a chance to figure out if i'm bi or really lesbian.]

SATURDAY: (here's the fun one :D)

i got wasted. and it was glorious.

my friend jake who's like my unbiological brother (gay, 20 years old, loveable alcoholic) picked me up after i stayed the night at a friend's friday. as soon as we got back to his apartment, he whipped out the beer and offered me one. keep in mind i have only drank a handful of times in my life, only one of which i was actually drunk. we started playing this drinking game called circle of death at 6pm. it's actually really fun. you put a beer can in the middle of the table, and everyone else has their own beer. you take a deck of cards and fan them out in a circle around the middle beer can (like the picture. that's not from us, btw). you take turns drawing cards, and each card means a different thing. 4 is whores, so all the girls drink. six is dicks, 9 is rhyme, 10 means you play a short verson of "never have i ever," etc. the ace means "waterfall," and whoever draws it has to chug their whole drink, and no one else can stop drinking until the card drawer finishes theirs. there are four aces in a deck. i drew three of them through the course of the game.

after countless beers and a few shots during circle of death, i was pretty gone. and then i had a little more, ended up spilling a margarita all over my shirt when i tried to sit back down on the couch. apparently, i proceeded to go outside to smoke a cigarrette. halfway through, i said, "i don't feel so good..." and then puked all over the ground and on jake's shoes. they got me inside and i puked again on his floor, then finally made it to the bathroom. jake took pictures (so he could show me in the morning, since i wouldn't remember) while he and his friend marissa sat in the bathroom taking care of me until i was done. by this time it was about ten o'clock. i passed out, then woke up again at 1:30am, and started drinking again. jake and marissa were also pretty wasted, and we started watching funny youtube videos. want some laughs? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. i can't even pick a favorite. me and jake ended up cuddling on the couch, me laying in his lap and he had his arms around me and every once in a while he'd just squeeze me really tight. i felt so loved. he's a cuddly fag :)

we didn't stop drinking until 8 in the morning today. needless to say, i am still feeling pretty good.


it's a good thing i've been buzzed all day, or i would have broken down from this.

jake had taken my phone last night so i wouldn't text anyone anything stupid. so when i got my phone back this morning, i had a long text from molly waiting for me. she was pissed that i didn't text her to tell her if i was okay. she said we weren't friends anymore. i texted her back apologizing and explaining that my phone had been confiscated. she said, "i don't care. i deleted your number from my phone. stop texting me."

as much of a bitch as she is, she was still a part of my life for two years. i thought that maybe, as friends, she would be better. she's always a good friend to everyone else.

so why not me?

there was just no reasoning with her. i tried talking sense into her, but i don't know if it worked. she said, "YOU MEAN A FUCKING LOT TO ME NICOLE." but then contradicted herself by repeating and repeating, "you're not my best friend anymore." when i told her she's my lifeline, she said go find a new one. i told her, "you say i mean a lot to you. so don't ditch me like almost everyone else i've ever cared about in my life!" all i got back was "k." eventually she said she was going back to bed. i tried texting her about an hour ago, asking if we were okay, but still haven't gotten a response.

half of me wants to tell her to go fuck herself. a fourth of me doesn't give a shit anymore. but the other fourth still wants her around, as a friend. honestly, i hope tabby breaks her heart. because then she'll know what it's like.

if you watched video 1, you'll understand why i changed her name in my phone to "ponita." she is ridiculous...

i actually managed to eat very little this weekend. aside from the countless beer calories... at least it was LIGHT beer. if i keep it up, think i could lose 20lbs in 2 months?

stay strong, think thin, live ana


  1. Not sure about America but in aus light beer refers to less alcohol not cal. Anyway, wow, you've had such a big time of it... And fuck Molly. What an attention whore. Move on for a little bit... If she wants to be an attention seeking, controlling little brat, let her do it to someone else. You don't need someone like that in your life. She's making it all about her. Those boys sound nice tho, hat boy especially =]

  2. I agree with keep calm, Molly sounds horrible. If you spent two years together then surely she would want to keep you in her life? As she doesn't you should just move on, I know it's hard too as two years is a hell of a long time! But those boys do sound lovely, oh and yay for friends with benefits ;) I'm glad you had a good time!

    -lottie ♥

  3. do you read these, because if not then why do we type them, why do we give up our time everyday if you dont even know about these comments?
    and how would you know if there was hater comments if you dont read them?


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