Tuesday, November 30, 2010

the psychology of ana: project implicit


i found this very interesting.

for sociology class, we're in the middle of a unit about racial and ethnic inequality. so we learned about this experiment that these psychologists did that measured whether people had a preference for white or black people. the test became very well known and widely accepted in many psychological and sociological journals. now it is a wider organization called "project implicit."

in class we took the same test used in the original experiment, for race preference. the teacher told us we could try another test while we were waiting for others to finish up. one of the other tests was "weight preference." you can try out the test here (make sure you read the instructions very carefully!).

it was very interesting to see that even though i'm barely in a healthy weight range, i had a "strong preference for thin people." at the end of the test it shows you the cumulative results from all the test takers and controlled experiments, estimating an average for the whole country. according to project implicit, over 50% of our country has a moderate or strong preference for thin people.

these are unconscious associations, but the unconscious mind can effect the decisions of the conscious mind. this statistic means that being thin would give you an advantage because about 50% of the population prefers you over fat people. society itself is just pushing us to be thinner.

hows that for mathematical motivation?

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Monday, November 29, 2010

what dan thinks of me ♥


well we hung out after school today and nothing scandelous really happened. we just went for a long walk in the rain, smoking cigarettes and talking. he mentioned a few times how he can't wait to chill this weekend. my heart took a leap every time he said it.

when he thought it was time for him to go, the brought me over for a hug. only me. and again a few minutes later. only me. and again when he actually had to go. only me.

i was talking to a mutual friend later, and apparently they've been talking about me. apparently he randomly pulls of his hat to press it to his face and smell my perfume. he loves my personality. he said i'm "feisty." he thinks it's cool that i'm physically attracted to girls but still really want to date a guy, and that i don't care what people think about that. but the best thing, the sweetest thing was when he said that when i'm sad, he's sad that i'm sad, but when i'm happy, it makes him happy, no matter how low he is, and no one else can do that to the extent that i can.

that's huge.

i really think it's gonna happen. finally, someone good.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, November 28, 2010

fucking 7

played truth or dare last night with dan. made the HUGE mistake of asking him to rate me on a scale of 1-10. he said, "like 7."

7.

SEVEN.

A FUCKING SEVEN!!

that's like saying, "well i wouldn't call you hot, but i'm not going to be mean by saying you're ugly either, so i'll just give you 'average.'"

i'll bet you if i was fucking skinny i would've gotten 8 or 9. because every time i see him at school or filming or ANYTHING i'm always dressed up with my eye makeup done all fancy and i can honestly say if i was a stick and my nose and chin weren't colossal (oh yeah, did i mention that my chin has been added to my BDD paranoia?), i'd look HOT. but no. i'm fat and gross and he's just a nice guy so i'm a 7. i'm probably really a fucking 3 or something.

everything i've eaten today has gone straight to the toilet. fuckkkk foooodddddd.

i feel so ugly...

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

P.S.: i'm on msn now if you ever want to chat. lettersfromana@live.com

Saturday, November 27, 2010

truth or dare, being a bitch, and the return of katerina


the first day i was at the lake, dan and i played truth or dare for 12 hours over text. at one point he asked me if i thought he was attractive. i told him yes, and then asked him the same. he said yes and i fell asleep smiling.

the next day, we were goofing off and the following conversation ensued. him: "shut up." me: "make me." him: "maybe i will." me: "how?" him: "well i could do it the nice way or the mean way..." me: "what do you mean?" him: (after some coaxing on my part) "well the nice way would be that i'd shut you up with my lips and the mean way i would shut you up with my dick..." me: "and which one of those would you actually try?" him: "lol probably the first one."

then later that night he brought the game back. i picked truth, as always, and he asked: "when we hang out, can i shut you up?"

i'm giddy over this boy. ridiculously. it's gonna happen it's gonna happen it'sgonnahappen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



but, as you've seen in my history, i can't have something good happen without it being balanced out with something bad. so, of course underneath all the daydreaming with dan, molly drama was stirring. basically we got into an argument on thanksgiving and with it being a holiday and all i texted her before i went to bed saying that i was sorry and i was just in a bad mood because i hate thanksgiving for obvious reasons. the next morning i had a text from her saying, "i've heard you say sorry too many times, i think we need a break from eachother for a while, blah blah blah." so i told her, "wow. don't bother. i hope [the new girl] has fun putting up with all your shit cuz i'm done." she shot back, "and i hope whoever you end up with realizes what a BIG BITCH YOU ARE :) dueces, nicole." i was furious. i told her, "it's funny you're the only one who thinks i'm a bitch when everyone i know thinks you're a controlling psycho!" and it went on all day from there...

when i found out she'd posted her status as: "apparently i'm a controlling psycho according to my ex," all hell broke loose. i didn't give a shit about her feelings anymore. when she called at one in the morning, i didn't hold back. i told her she was a lot to blame that i developed an ED in the first place. i told her i relapsed. told her i was back into cutting for a while. she refused to see herself as having any fault in anything at all. in the end she swore she still cared about me, swore she'd come around again and be a good friend, told me she loved me and said goodnight. i hung up the phone and muttered a "fuckin' whatever..." under my breath before falling asleep.

anyways, KATERINA IS BACK! check out her blog, http://paper--thin.blogspot.com/.

you can also check out my two new thinspo vids here and here.

time to fast away all my thanksgiving gluttony... FUCK YOU PILGRIMS!!

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

"i think i just had a food-gasm."

i'm 138 now. i absolutely love this feeling, having every day a new low. feeling closer and closer to skinny. i'm happier. whenever i lay down my hipbones pop out so much more than before. and when i stretch back i can see my ribs just under the surface... i'll be posting pictures when i get back, i promised a long time ago i was going to start doing that once a month.

i'm going on vacation for thanksgiving break, so i won't be back until monday. hopefully i won't gain much... as long as i don't go back into the 140s, i'll be okay. i'm going to have to do a lot of purging for the next 5 days. i don't want to, but i have no other choice... i love going to my grandparents' lake house. i just hate eating 3 fucking meals a day while i'm there. ugh.

i watched a couple documentaries on youtube. this first one is an HBO documentary called THIN. it follows four girls going through treatment at an eating disorder inpatient facility. the facility itself is full of ignorant fucks and fat nurses, but the girls were very interesting, and thinspiring. the youngest, brittany, went from 198 to under 100 in a year.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fF0lAlo80fU

this one just pissed me off and made me laugh at the same time. it's a BBC documentary about pro ana.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnR-PxboxdI&feature=related

i've also discovered a love of food porn. it's a bit of a new thing, it's not as popular as thinspo or reverse thinspo. basically you look at pretty pictures of food instead of eating it. there was a thread on prettythin.com about it and it's just so satisfying. it really is like porn. only instead of fantasizing sex, you're fantasizing food. and, like porn, it's satisfying enough to tide you over. for some people it triggers them into eating, but for most (judging by what people said in the thread), it actually curbs hunger.

it also cracked me up when one girl on the thread said, "i think i just had a food-gasm."

happy thanksgiving!

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Monday, November 22, 2010


zack knows i relapsed. found out last night. but i really don't care... i'm not going to run to him every time i get depressed about my ED this time. i'm just going to leave it all unspoken. i'm not going to let him stop me this time. he's one of the few people who can talk me into eating. and he knows it. i won't have it. not this time.



my mom texted me in the middle of the day saying "miss u." after 3 days of hearing nothing from her, after 3 days that she called only to yell at my dad and never asked about me, she had the nerve to say that. that's bullshit. me and my dad went over to the house and i didn't even say a word to her. she told me she'd gotten me ice cream and i just kept walking to my room to pack up all my clothes. like a fucking text and ice cream will win me over. whatever... i later told lauren she could have the ice cream. when we left, i ignored the "bye nikki!" that echoed from my mom's bedroom. she's just so FAKE. she wants everyone to love her because she knows she's unloveable so she just tries to buy everyone's affection. one day she needs to realize it doesn't work that way.

emo love 39 kiss pictures, backgrounds and images

i saw dan after school.. that was the highlight of my day. i have so much fun with him. i noticed that when a big group of us went for a walk and smoke after school, dan always made sure he was walking next to me. when i stole his hat off his head to spray my perfume on it, he just pressed it to his face. he's started making more physical contact too, in a joking way, but that's still a clue. resting his chin on my shoulder when i'm trying to film (my movie project is the reason we even hang out in the first place), a gentle shove out of the way, brushing arms while we walk next to eachother. when i was telling him about how i have the whole basement to myself now, he said "dude, we need to hang out sometime!" i'm really starting to think he likes me back. alex agrees. :)



speaking of alex, she admitted to me today she's back into her eating disorder. she's restricting to 700 calories a day, and i can tell she's struggling because she's always talking about how hungry she is and asking if anyone has food. but she's obviously trying. when i told her about me and one of my ana buddies making a deal to eat the same amount of calories every day, she said, "that's so cool!" i have a feeling once she's ungrounded we're going to make one hell of a team. with my anna buddies and alex, i just feel really supported. and motivated. the thing about making a deal to eat the same cals every day, you don't want to make the other person eat.

alex told me her goal weight is 95lbs... we're the same height. every day my GW of 110lbs seems fatter and fatter. i'm starting to want double digits instead. i don't want my best friend to be skinnier than me. maybe we can make a deal to be the same. both of us, 95-pound fairies. we'll fly together. i don't want to weigh down my wings.

overall, i had a really great day despite the incidents with mother. i think fasting brings me luck. not a single calorie has touched these lips today. i love this emtpy feeling... i feel poetic and high at the same time. trippy. god i missed this feeling.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, November 21, 2010

healthy

i checked 8 different websites. because i just couldn't believe it. finally, at 139, my bmi is 24.6. this means i am officially in the healthy weight range. by medical terms, i am no longer considered "overweight."

holy shit.

i feel slightly less colossal, from a numbers standpoint. but looking down at myself, i still feel the same. these thighs were not meant to touch... this is progress, but not near perfection. this stomach needs to be concave. these bones need to come out of hiding. i don't want to look "healthy," i want to look "thin."

i have the whole basement to myself now. this is great for so many reasons. 1, i have plenty of privacy, which is fantastic, and allows me to go onto pro ana and thinspo sites all day long. 2, i have my own bathroom, meaning i can purge whenever necessary. 3, it's a walkout basement, meaning i can focus on that bedtime smokey snack all day instead of actual snacks.

and dan.. ahh... i can't stop thinking about him. we were up texting until 2 in the morning last night. i really hope things work out with him. i want them to. so, so badly. hopefully i'm not too fat for him to see me as more than a friend...

here's a taylor momsen vid for some thinspiration. (and can i just say, holy hot damn...!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txBfhpm1jI0&feature=channel

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Friday, November 19, 2010

please, just let me have one good thing...

today after school me, alex and dan all hung out. apparently alex talked to him, said she'd noticed us flirting a lot. he acted surprised. when she asked if he liked me, he said "i don't know!" she said he seemed hasty, like he was avoiding admitting anything. there's a possibility there,  but i just don't want to get my hopes up, knowing what always happens. we're toking together monday, i'll get some alone time with him for the first time so i guess we'll see where that goes.

i've noticed alex giving almost all her food away at the lunch table lately. today she ate one square of pizza and a couple oreos before telling me "friday's my free day." later in the afternoon she told me she threw up a sandwich after school. she later said she wrote a quote from "creep" by radiohead on her wall. "i don't care if it hurts, i wanna have control, i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul." she's definately back in her disorder. we might end up making one hell of a real life team.

i'd love just one thing to go right. let me find someone. let me be thin. let me have SOMETHING.

my mom found out my dad was seeing a divorce lawyer. she promptly kicked him out of the house. i found this out when he picked me up after hanging out with alex and dan after school. i don't even have extra clothes. we're staying at my grandma's, the same one i stayed with over the summer. i'm so afraid... i hate not knowing what's happening. i feel so out of control. i don't even know how i'm going to get around eating while i'm here. and i'll most likely be here until i leave for college. i have to figure out an entirely new system... and i guess i'm focused on that because i don't want to think about everything else that's changing. i already miss my sisters...

i'm just sitting in this living room by myself. i feel so lonely.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

boys, best friends, bulimia



i really just don't understand the male kind. me and jay had so much fun saturday, and i've barely heard from him since. i know that's just how guys are, but at the same time i'm paranoid that something's wrong...

i'm starting to like dan a lot too. he's the one i can vent to. and even though he's a sophomore (i'm a senior), it doesn't feel that way when i talk to him or i'm around him. we trust eachother. he's told me things that he hasn't told anyone else. when we hung out as a group after school to go walk and smoke cigarettes, me and dan were kindof off in our own little world, and my friend later noted that we seemed to be "having our moments." i don't know if dan sees me that way or not. if he did, i would probably give him a chance, given that jay is being so stupid...

yesterday, my friend alex became my absolute best friend. we had this really deep talk and ended up both talking about our history with eating disorders. until our conversation i never even knew she had struggled with one. it was so easy to be open with her about it. i even told her about pro-ana, something i'd never told anyone before. i noticed today she only brought celery and a nutrigrain bar for lunch. we shared the celery.

on the way to 7th hour at school today, i stumbled. behind me i heard some guy yell, "haha the fat chick almost fell!" then i heard laughing. then i found myself holding back tears. dan saw me in the hallway, texted me a few minutes later asking what was wrong. i told him what happened. he said, "sorry beautiful." i hung onto that for a few hours. but by the time dinner came and my mom was shoving plate after plate in front of me, i lost it.

trigger.
trigger.
trigger.
BAM.

hello, mia. hey ana. good to see you guys again. missed you :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, November 14, 2010

"let's go, don't wait, this night's almost over, honest, let's make this night last forever."

after getting lost on the way to jay's house and arriving 30 fashionable minutes late, he gave me a hug as soon as he saw me. we waved goodbye to zack, who'd given me a ride, and went inside. his house smelled like boy. as i looked at him, i realized how much he'd grown over the summer. how much older he looked. it's been a long time since i've found a guy physically attractive, and something with jay just struck me. i hope he didn't notice my stares. or, if he did, that he didn't mind. i was so nervous and excited and just overall jumping around inside. "you're so mouse-y tonight," he said, smiling.
 
when he turned off the lights to watch a movie, i noticed he'd lit a candle. he blamed it on his house smelling like dog and i rolled my eyes at him. we only half watched the movie, too busy talking, catching up, telling stories, goofing off. we were shoving eachother back and forth on the couch and he put me in a headlock, then leaned back leaving one arm behind. "oh, i see you just wanted to put your arm around me," i said, laughing. "well," he replied, "i was gonna do the whole yawn thing, but i figured that'd be kinda corny."
 
he was so warm. i could hear his heartbeat.
 
we talked. we laughed. we shot fireworks out of a basketball hoop cannon, and he held my hand when we were walking in the dark. we got in an hour and a half long tickle fight. the night went by too fast. at one point we were staring at eachother, forheads pressed together after another round of tickling, and he told me i have pretty eyes. i smiled inside and out.
 
we had the whole house to ourselves for four hours. and the most he did was put his arm around me and give me a hug. did that leave me wanting more? of course. but it also just proved to me how sweet of a guy he is. i can really see myself with this one.
 
i dyed my hair blonde today, symbolic of a new me. brighter, happier. it's a new chapter of my life.
 
but i wonder if ana will be waiting on the next page.
 
i still want to be skinny. i still want bones. i just feel like i've lost my drive. without all the stress, without the turbulent relationship that left me constantly wanting either revenge or perfection or a reason to be tethered to the ground, i've yet to find a place for ana in this new world i'm constructing for myself. i guess i'm a little lost. not really in recovery, but not really disordered anymore either. do i want to go back? a lot of me says yes. part doesn't want to let ana tear me and jay apart too, if we get together. but there's still that part inside my mind that wants to be skinny FOR him. right now he's thinner than me, lost 20lbs over the summer. i'm going to start counting calories tomorrow, so i'm fully aware of everything i put in my mouth, rather than just going with the flow when it comes to food. i'm going to shoot for 300 calories tomorrow. typing this, i realize i'm not ready to let go of ana just yet. i still want to be as close to 120 as possible by new years. can i just tattoo it on my forhead that i'm going to be on international TV in a month and a half???
 
i just can't stop thinking about jay... :)
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox
 
p.s. i'm definately not a lesbian anymore, but bisexual doesn't seem like the right fit either. maybe i'm pan?? gah, stupid labels!
 

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

i got asked out on a date!!!


remember jay?

our friend kay set us up. i haven't talked to him since lunch last year, but kay started dropping him hints, and then last night he facebooked me asking what i was doing this weekend. he invited me over to his house while his parents aren't home. according to kay he just wants to watch movies, and honestly i believe that just based on his character, but the privacy will be nice.

for the first time in so long, i feel happy. i'm looking forward to something. i'm excited. when i think about it, my stomach flips.

i'm liquid fasting until then, but not out of self-hatred. just out of preparation. i want to make a good impression, after not seeing him for so long. and i want to feel confident, not bloated and blah. but some liquid calories will keep me from being physically weak. probably coffee and a slimfast every day until then.

i just can't believe it. i'm giddy. i feel like i'm in middle school.

i'm so distracted, it doesn't even really bother me that last night at court the charges were dropped before my mother even swore in.

i'm so distracted, i didn't even notice that me and molly have officially been broken up for a month.

my dad's found someone else, too, a girl from work. he asked me to take a picture for him and he sent it to her, then showed me her reply. "she's beautiful!!!! i love her style!" he says they're nothing romantic yet, just someone for him to talk to. i'm glad he's found someone his age to talk to. i'm really happy for him.

wow, i just still can't believe it.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

P.S.: i want you to know i do read all your comments, even if i don't always address them in my posts. i thank all of you who support me, and i'm sorry to those who i've hurt. i will always reply to emails, lettersfromana@live.com.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

haunted by the past, going with the flow, partying, and deletion

THURSDAY:

i found out that my dad was flying out to washington d.c. for the weekend again. remember what happened last time?

i told him i wasn't going to be home the whole weekend. he said that was fine with him. and thank god for that.

but monday, i go to court to testify against the fatso. for what happened last time. finally, the truth will be said. and if i get the right people to believe me, it could help my dad win custody of my sisters.

but what if i fail?




FRIDAY:

remember tara? (i think that's the code name i gave her.) she's one of molly's friends and used to have a thing for me. a while back when me and molly were in one of our open relationship periods me and tara flirted a lot, but it died out before we did anything. well, i hung out with her friday. we were sitting on the couch in her living room, and i mentioned that i'd only ever kissed one person: molly.

she leaned over and kissed me on the lips.

"well," she said with a smile. "you can't say that anymore, can you?"

when it came time to discuss where we stood, i told her that my new outlook on life is to just go with the flow. i don't want a relationship with anyone right now, because i've lost my trust in that. and neither of us have feelings for eachother. so we're just friends who happen to kiss eachother for fun.

there's also dan. we met because he's acting in my scary movie that i'm filming. friday there was this whole ordeal with his hat. i found it lying on the floor outside one of my classes and picked it up, not knowing it was his. when i saw him in the hall later that day, he told me "nikki! i lost my hat!" and i showed him what i'd found and said, "oh, you mean this one?" he freaked out but got pushed down the hallway by the human traffic. i winked at him and said i was holding it hostage. he ended up chasing me around the parking lot after school and finally decided to let me have custody for the weekend. we ended up texting until 1:30 in the morning, and he actually opened up to me. we got into a deep conversation. when i told him i had trouble trusting people, he said "i promise no matter what it is i'll always be here for you." i still have it saved in my phone... he told me i'm the only one he's ever told that he cries sometimes. this could be the beginning of something... :)  [in case you're confused, i'm taking this opportunity to take a guy for a spin. dan is a nosexbeforemarraige type, so there's none of that pressure. he's just a sweet kid, and i'm going to give it a chance to figure out if i'm bi or really lesbian.]


SATURDAY: (here's the fun one :D)

i got wasted. and it was glorious.

my friend jake who's like my unbiological brother (gay, 20 years old, loveable alcoholic) picked me up after i stayed the night at a friend's friday. as soon as we got back to his apartment, he whipped out the beer and offered me one. keep in mind i have only drank a handful of times in my life, only one of which i was actually drunk. we started playing this drinking game called circle of death at 6pm. it's actually really fun. you put a beer can in the middle of the table, and everyone else has their own beer. you take a deck of cards and fan them out in a circle around the middle beer can (like the picture. that's not from us, btw). you take turns drawing cards, and each card means a different thing. 4 is whores, so all the girls drink. six is dicks, 9 is rhyme, 10 means you play a short verson of "never have i ever," etc. the ace means "waterfall," and whoever draws it has to chug their whole drink, and no one else can stop drinking until the card drawer finishes theirs. there are four aces in a deck. i drew three of them through the course of the game.

after countless beers and a few shots during circle of death, i was pretty gone. and then i had a little more, ended up spilling a margarita all over my shirt when i tried to sit back down on the couch. apparently, i proceeded to go outside to smoke a cigarrette. halfway through, i said, "i don't feel so good..." and then puked all over the ground and on jake's shoes. they got me inside and i puked again on his floor, then finally made it to the bathroom. jake took pictures (so he could show me in the morning, since i wouldn't remember) while he and his friend marissa sat in the bathroom taking care of me until i was done. by this time it was about ten o'clock. i passed out, then woke up again at 1:30am, and started drinking again. jake and marissa were also pretty wasted, and we started watching funny youtube videos. want some laughs? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. i can't even pick a favorite. me and jake ended up cuddling on the couch, me laying in his lap and he had his arms around me and every once in a while he'd just squeeze me really tight. i felt so loved. he's a cuddly fag :)

we didn't stop drinking until 8 in the morning today. needless to say, i am still feeling pretty good.

TODAY:

it's a good thing i've been buzzed all day, or i would have broken down from this.

jake had taken my phone last night so i wouldn't text anyone anything stupid. so when i got my phone back this morning, i had a long text from molly waiting for me. she was pissed that i didn't text her to tell her if i was okay. she said we weren't friends anymore. i texted her back apologizing and explaining that my phone had been confiscated. she said, "i don't care. i deleted your number from my phone. stop texting me."

as much of a bitch as she is, she was still a part of my life for two years. i thought that maybe, as friends, she would be better. she's always a good friend to everyone else.

so why not me?

there was just no reasoning with her. i tried talking sense into her, but i don't know if it worked. she said, "YOU MEAN A FUCKING LOT TO ME NICOLE." but then contradicted herself by repeating and repeating, "you're not my best friend anymore." when i told her she's my lifeline, she said go find a new one. i told her, "you say i mean a lot to you. so don't ditch me like almost everyone else i've ever cared about in my life!" all i got back was "k." eventually she said she was going back to bed. i tried texting her about an hour ago, asking if we were okay, but still haven't gotten a response.

half of me wants to tell her to go fuck herself. a fourth of me doesn't give a shit anymore. but the other fourth still wants her around, as a friend. honestly, i hope tabby breaks her heart. because then she'll know what it's like.

if you watched video 1, you'll understand why i changed her name in my phone to "ponita." she is ridiculous...


i actually managed to eat very little this weekend. aside from the countless beer calories... at least it was LIGHT beer. if i keep it up, think i could lose 20lbs in 2 months?

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Thursday, November 4, 2010

"relief exists, i find it when i am cut."

i cut my wrist last night.

but you wanna know the sick part?

the twisted part?

it felt fucking amazing.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

more sad songs


THE URGE

i think something's wrong
every day feels so long
then looking back, i can't remember a think
these latest wounds are sore
and then i close the bedroom door
i take off the mask
i fall apart and

chorus: i feel the urge again
lost the courage to live
it's easier to leave
it's every single night
when i turn off the lights
i'm left alone with my thoughts
and i feel
the urge

i don't think i'm carzy
i think i just got broken
so damaged that, i can't be a normal human being
haven't eaten in days
don't care that i'm wasting away
i look in the mirror
and i am ashamed so

CHORUS

no one sees the pain
written on my face
well maybe they'd see the pain
if it was written on a grave
if you live by the sword
you die by the sword

CHORUS

CAN I CAVE INTO THE URGE?


NO ONE CARES

some days i just need touch
when everything's too much
a physical tether to this world
could mean life or death for this girl
some nights i want to die
instead i lay there and cry
these voices are returning
they teach me and i am learning

chorus: just take the knife and draw your pain
she's never gonna see your sin again
you can throw it all away
AND NO ONE WOULD CARE ABOUT YOU
press the magic button and cleanse yourself
flush your sins all away to hell
let the acid eat your skin
UNTIL SOMEONE CARES ABOUT YOU

i feel fucking crazy
it's like my own mind hates me
i write the truth all over the mirror
but i'm still consumed by this fear
i wish that i could hate
get angry so it's easier to break away
blame someone else besides me
and feel like i'm worth something (NO!)

CHORUS

why am i the only one who hears the screaming?
tell me it's a nightmare, i'm just dreaming
you don't deserve to sleep
YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BREATHE!

CHORUS

chorus 2: dig a little deeper to end it all
don't bother running away, you'll only fall
drag yourself into her room
BUT SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU
do it slow, make the world watch you die
show them all how broken you are inside
if they see you waste away
SOMEBODY MIGHT CARE ABOUT YOU

CUZ NOBODY CARES-----
nobody cares about you



ILL

do you see me
reaching out?
eyes scarred
heart filled with doubt
i'm shaking
i'm cold
the voices talk to me
i do as i am told

chorus:
i see it
the light behind the hill
i just have to get better cuz right now
i am ill

these scars aren't hidden
anymore
they glisten in the moonlight
by the lakeshore
it'd be so easy
to dive right in
sink to the bottom
breathe in

CHORUS

i don't
want to die
but you don't know
what it's like
to feel
so alone
i know you don't care anymore
just go

you're just a black and white rerun
you put the bullet into this gun
every tear falls and leaves the stain of you
but now someone else's light is inside of you

i see it
can't get there
i'm too ill
i see it
can't get there
you left me ill


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

alone

I am exhausted

I want to sleep
But as soon as I lay down
I cannot help but weep
The loneliness
Is eating me alive
I fall into that darkness
And I don’t know how to survive

Have you ever felt empty?
Have you ever felt alone?
Just another night
Staring at the phone
But there’s no one to call
Just to say goodnight
And so the thoughts begin
And you feel like you’ve lost your mind

I feel pointless
My will is gone
I thought I’d gotten better
But it was a trick all along
Only temporary
As transient as you
I was never deserving
It was all bound to fall through

Have you ever felt empty?

Have you ever felt alone?
Just another night
Staring at the phone
But there’s no one to call
Just to say goodnight
And so the thoughts begin
And you feel like you’ve lost your mind

This is a new place
I’ve never felt like such a waste of space
Do you hear me little star?
Do you know just how needed you are?

I’m alone
I’m unwanted
Invisible
Forgotten…

Have you ever felt empty?
Have you ever felt alone?
Just another night
Staring at the phone
But there's no one to call
Just to say goodnight
So the thoughts begin
I feel like I've lost my mind